how common is it for marriage to a disliked spouse to end a close sibling relationship?

[LetsKillAllTheElves]

My best friend used to be super-close to her brother. They had an adorable supportive sibling relationship I was jealous of. Her brother married a bit of a bitch who he adored. My friend tried to maintain a relationship with her brother but its ended up with them barely speaking - because she doesn't like his wife and he won't tolerate anyone who doesn't think she is a wonder. It's so sad.

Recent media stories about Harry & William becoming distant apparently due to dislike of Meghan, made me wonder how common this is?

I don''t mean normal rubbing along together when you tolerate someone but don't really like them.

I mean - how common is it for close siblings with a great relationship ending up in a very different place and emotionally distant because one has married a partner that the other one thinks is no good for them?

I'm a bit worried as my sister is in a relationship a bit like this and I fear for our future if she marries this guy - especially after what happened with my best friend.

Is this a common thing?

I agree with a pp on page 1. This is clearly a sly Meghan-bashing thread. You need to stop reading the Daily Mail. They loathe her for several different reasons. One main one that's pretty obvious.

Sorry for being so dense, but what's the obvious reason?

What an odd post. Why would anyone care if you ‘liked’ them being jealous or not?

That was an uncommonly strange turn of phrase. Perhaps English is not her first language?

This happened with me and my younger sister, when I pointed out that her intended was most clearly an utter twat.
We're okay now she's found out that he was indeed an utter twat. Luckily she's divorced said twat and met a lovely chap. But things were pretty off for a long time between us, right up until she realised that I was right, and that I only had her best interest at heart.

Happened in my family too, brother and sister were very close, new girlfriend came along and didn't seem to like the relationship he had with his sister (or any of his friends) and the two of them pretty much cut themselves off from everyone.

Happens a lot. My SiL has managed to alienate my brother from his family ...previously close. She started off with me but has managed to work her way through to the point he speaks to nobody anymore. She’s also done it to her own family. She has major ishoos. I’ve given up. Tried and tried, but that ship has sailed, and they are very happy making each other miserable it seems. We were once very close and everyone noticed it changed when she came - I tried to be friends with her but she made it very clear she didn’t like me. She’s a real manipulator so initially people thought it was a problem ‘between us’ and I outright asked her what it was having tried and tried and been rebuffed, she told me she basically didn’t like me in a nutshell. As time has passed on everyone has had the same treatment. Her own family say she is stuck up. It’s horrible. I wish he’d divorce her or better still had never married her. They are the most unhappy couple I’ve ever met, I don’t understand it at all.

There isn’t really anyone who doesn’t get on in my extended family but it’s clearly understood that once married (esp with children) spouses come first. My DH and children are my priority, my siblings and his siblings feel the same about their spouses. So we have the same boundaries and same understanding that we would always put our spouses and children first. Which makes us all work to get on with each other’s spouses, to keep the sibling relationship positive.

I wonder, in families where there are spouse problems if part of it is having different expectations/ priorities in terms of whether the marital family or the ‘blood’family come first?

It is a shame but the way it should be.

Once you are married, that is your family unit. I wouldn't have siblings openly disliking my spouse. They can have their private thoughts but I don't want to hear them. Meeting up without my husband because the family don't like him would undermine the marriage. We come as a package.

It nearly happened with my sister. She was with a narcissistic, abusive, absolute cunt of a man. I managed to rub along for the sake of having a very close relationship with my sister until he insulted me in my home, behaved very questionably towards my sister in public and until it became very apparent to me he was abusing her. She left but kept going back and there was shit all I could do but distance myself and be there if and when she needed me. Anyway, long story short, they’re not together anymore and our usual relationship has resumed.

My DH doesn’t have the same relationship with his DB after he cheated on his wife and is now married to OW. They get along when neverssary but they arw no longer close and he won’t have anything to do with OW. It’s sad.

@ILoveHumanity

But what I want to say is sometimes the sibling doesn’t see it as you don’t like their spouse, they view it a bit more personally that you aren’t helping them be able to accommodate their new marriage life into the family...

This is interesting ILoveHumanity - how would this apply before they get married though? My sister is just dating at the moment - and I'm sensing this could be a longer term issue.

I get that anyone who's involved in this type of problem sibling issue will place their own perspective at the centre of it - but it does seem in most of these examples people have given that it is the married sibling that sort of fucks off/retreats - rather than the one who doesn't like the spouse going no contact.

I'm not sure whether to be heartened that this is apparently so common or depressed - my feared situation is not unusual and not weird or that it is the likely end point.

This happened in my family - my dad's sister married an absolute arsehole, and the family tolerated him for years until one year he had a go at my grandmother. There was a massive rift, my aunt sided with her cunt of a husband and this lasted 15 or so years until he, thankfully, died.

Aunt now is trying to foster a family relationship again - she always stayed in touch with my grandmother and intermittently with some siblings - but it is frankly too little, too late. She knew full well what he had done and she chose that "we are married, we are a unit" mentality ahead of basic right and wrong. So now she has no-one.

Despite that, I do think in general our family would say you put your nuclear family ahead of your siblings, but that's not a blanket rule. And the idea that you can't see your family without your spouse is extremely weird - if my partner told me I couldn't see my sister without him being there I would think he had lost his mind.

Agree with Winebottle - Once you are married, that is your family unit. I wouldn't have siblings openly disliking my spouse. They can have their private thoughts but I don't want to hear them. Meeting up without my husband because the family don't like him would undermine the marriage. We come as a package.

My brother and I don't speak very much as he dislikes my wife (however he doesn't like many people)

Meeting up without my husband because the family don't like him would undermine the marriage. We come as a package.

This is the bit I just don't get. A sibling might be married but they remain an individual. Just because you get married you aren't suddenly joined at the hip. You don't go to work with your husband hand in hand (unless you do work with him!). You don't see all your friends always with your husband (unless you are really tragic).

So what's the big deal about occassionally going for a drink or a meal or meeting up with a sibling on your own if that will preserve the sibling relationship?

Otherwise it means you are adopting a rule of "if you dont like my husband, then I don't want to know you at all". No one likes everyone and why throw out a close loving relationship with a sibling when you could keep it going to a degree.

I think it’s not about being joined at the hip. I see my siblings without DP and vice versa. But, if any of them ever expressed a negative view about DP to me or made it known they don’t like him I would see that as out of line and overstepping the boundary. In that situation Continuing to spending time alone would undermine my marriage because it would give the impression I was tolerating those sorts of comments about my DP.

Happened to my DBro and I. His first wife was toxic. We couldn't really see him without her, due to the nature of his job. Only good thing to come out of that relationship was the DC. Now he is happily (about to be) married again we are close again like we used to be.

Am closer to my brother since his "difficult" marriage because honestly I feel like he needs some support and he's not going to get it at home (his wife has been known to post publicly on FB that she's "not his counsellor" and so shouldn't have to listen to his problems).

Luckily I work at the same company as my brother so see him most weekdays.

AlaskanOilBaron I’m pretty sure it’s because she’s not an ‘english rose’

Why would you alienate yourself from someone you love because you don't like their choice in partner ... really ?

My BIL had a hugely close relationship with his brothers which his bitch wife has destroyed (she is a bitch, punched his mother in the face when she was dying from cancer etc).

However I respect his choice, because it was really a choice between his birth family and his children. He chose his children and I think that was the right choice above his children.

I agree that openly disrespecting the spouse .. or disrespecting the spouse behind their back to the sibling ... warrants to put some strain on the sibling relationship justifiably.

I think all what is owed to the spouse for the sake of the sibling is respect . Not love, or trust, or friendship.

Just respect and civil behaviour.

It’s optional whether the spouse is to be loved or not.

Harsh but saves a lot of headache

So what's the big deal about occassionally going for a drink or a meal or meeting up with a sibling on your own if that will preserve the sibling relationship

No problem with this at all...but if your family members never wanted to see your spouse...that would be an issue.

I don't think I could marry someone that my immediate family hated or disliked. There would have to be a good reason for their dislike and for me to press on regardless.

This thread seems to show a lot more men disregarding their families of origin.

I think women are more loyal on that sense and the old saying about 'a son is a son until he marries a wife and a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life's.

In people I know.. it's the man who has turned his back on the family.

This happened with us. DSIS’s partner is horrible. He slated my parents at a family wedding - loudly, drunkenly in front of other guests including their friends and family. He carried on the next morning at breakfast. He hates us, we hate him. He behaves appallingly to my niece and nephew - they can’t bear him either and spend most of their time at their dad’s now. He’s rude to us, has said some terrible things to my children (one of whom is disabled - I won’t repeat what he said).
We used to be close, our families spending time together, even holidaying together. We now see each other very rarely, but that’s more at his instigation. He’s essentially isolated her. My mum and dad see her more often, but can’t if her partner is with her. Sadly, she’s lost most of her friendships because of this man too. He’s awful to everyone. (Has no friends himself according to DSIS.)
He’s an awful controlling man. I just want her to be away from him.

It is the belief that sibling relationships are strong that is wrong. They are the most fragile relationships we hold.

Once into adulthood, many siblings have different interests, different lives, their own family and friendships with like minded people. Add that to the fact that there are often many held grudges from childhood and resentments over our places with the family unit and you have a very fragile relationship. How many times to you see on MN where people have labelled themselves the scapegoat or golden child?

That is fine as long as there is respect and boundaries within that relationship but siblings are probably the one relationship where this has never been learned. We often say things to siblings we would never dream of saying to friends.

Often it is big changes to the balance that can make things implode. Like getting a new partner. People are quick to blame the new partner but I believe it just shows that the relationship was fragile in the first place.

If this is about william and harry. Youve no idea whats really going on. I do think harry made a mistake but its his life and he looks happy. Re your question its very common.

Im also a hated wife!

Why is everyone so quick to blame the siblings partner? In reality its the sibling who is allowing it to happen. With DH its him who doesnt make contact or spend time with his family and Im sick of reminding him to call PIL.