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AIBU?

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Original poster

how common is it for marriage to a disliked spouse to end a close sibling relationship?

78 replies

LetsKillAllTheElves · 01/12/2018 14:36

My best friend used to be super-close to her brother. They had an adorable supportive sibling relationship I was jealous of. Her brother married a bit of a bitch who he adored. My friend tried to maintain a relationship with her brother but its ended up with them barely speaking - because she doesn't like his wife and he won't tolerate anyone who doesn't think she is a wonder. It's so sad.

Recent media stories about Harry & William becoming distant apparently due to dislike of Meghan, made me wonder how common this is?

I don''t mean normal rubbing along together when you tolerate someone but don't really like them.

I mean - how common is it for close siblings with a great relationship ending up in a very different place and emotionally distant because one has married a partner that the other one thinks is no good for them?

I'm a bit worried as my sister is in a relationship a bit like this and I fear for our future if she marries this guy - especially after what happened with my best friend.

Is this a common thing?

OP posts:
JohnCRaven · 01/12/2018 16:33

So basically he chooses his wives over his birth family. I don't blame them I blame him.

MrsReacher1 · 01/12/2018 16:34

Very common. SiL "took over" my DB - that was that. What she said went, how he interacted with everyone else was determined by her. OK - it made him happy but was horrible for everone else.

HollaHolla · 01/12/2018 16:36

Yep. Very sadly we ‘lost’ my brother for about 3 years, as she was very secretive, and wanted them to exist in a little bubble. He became secretive and evasive too - and didn’t want to do anything with anyone except her. She was so much work to even have a conversation with, on the 4 occasions I met her. My brother and I had been close; saw each other every week. That stopped. I get it, that you want to spend time with your partner, especially when it’s a new relationship, but not to the exclusion of anyone or anything else. She must have had a magic fanny! 🤣
Thankfully they broke up a few months ago. He’s a different person - back to being his old self. My sister and I are crossing everything that they don’t get back together again.... 🤞🏻

blackcat86 · 01/12/2018 16:37

Me and my brother are still close but not as close. We used to be part of the same social group (only 18 months age difference) but now see each other maybe 3 or 4 times a year. He's only met DD (15 weeks) twice. 5 years ago he started dating a rather stuck up Italian girl. She speaks perfect English but encouraged him to fade out his accent. She hates it when me and him speak because his accent comes back (standard UK southern accent). She is quite highly strung and always wants to do weird activities or go to random restaurants. You Can't suggest a takeout and bottle of wine or meal at Prezzo, it needs to be hipster place thats impossible to get to. DB can only eat takeout pizza in secret when she's away she kicks off that it's not authentic Italian. She's hard work so we have ended up seeing less of them sadly.

user1471449040 · 01/12/2018 16:40

my sister's partner not only brought out the worst in her, but also she mirrored his rudeness - mocking others, dismissive behaviour, entitled...so being around her, even alone, has never been the same since they got together 20 years ago. There can be that aspect to this issue, too.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 16:44

It's interesting to read all the family posts. It makes me wonder even more how DHs family think of me and how much of their family dynamic they choose to ignore!

I know they thunk I am a stuck up bitch. I know they think I ruined his life, changed him, made him unhappy. We were told that to our faces... when he gave up his job to go to University, in his mid 30s. Apparently I was pushing him too hard, they had so little idea of him!

RyanStartedTheFire · 01/12/2018 16:57

I'm the hated wife. My DH considers me and our DC his immediate family, and won't have people badmouthing us, so he doesn't have a relationship with his siblings anymore. It wasn't a healthy relationship to begin with, as they couldn't stand that he didn't immediately dislike me because they did. I'd say it's relatively common in overinvested families who can't put dislike for someone aside to put their siblings happiness first.

ILoveHumanity · 01/12/2018 16:57

I’m on both sides of this ...

But what I want to say is sometimes the sibling doesn’t see it as you don’t like their spouse, they view it a bit more personally that you aren’t helping them be able to accommodate their new marriage life into the family..

But I do think relationship should be directly with the sibling and I don’t understand this thing about “only meet us together”. Really gets on my nerves and sounds v controlling. That’s how I lost my brother

Sarahjconnor · 01/12/2018 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 17:05

I don’t understand this thing about “only meet us together”. I know DH said that a few times. His logic was that we met with their partners even though we may not have liked them. He would not have thought to dictate that a wife / girlfriend / partner was not part of his extended family whilst they had a relationship with his DB/DS. BIL was very specific about this: I would never be family, as had only married his DB. But his own wife was to be loved and accepted by everyone....

That his siblings thought differently made him re-think his relationship with them.

CuppaSarahsCuppaChristmasCheer · 01/12/2018 17:09

It sort of happened with me and my sister when I started dating my now DH. My sister hated him instantly and him her. I had no issue with it and was happy to see her without him, DH was happy with this too, but she just couldn't keep her opinions to herself and was so unnecessarily critical of the man who she truthfully just didn't know. So inevitably we started to drift apart.

Looking back my relationship with her was far from healthy and incredibly toxic. She couldn't handle loosing control of me and her not being my main focus anymore. Going low contact with her was great for my mental health. But from the outside I imagine the situation looks very different.

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 01/12/2018 17:10

My brother does this.

When he got with his wife her family became his family, he didnt really bother with us. I barely know my niece, my brother became the son they never had.

And then they split, her parents were devestated, he remained the son they never had until a silly fall out over some over priced trainers (( bro suggested my niece buy some £130 trainers with her birthday money - ex pil equated it to sack cloth and ashes and felt bro should be providing things like trainers ))

He became very depressed. We all rallied round him. Then it happened again. He met his new wife and her family became his family. He has a lovely relationship with her niece, yet barely knows my children or my sisters.

It's sad. We all get along fine, no issues there but I certainly won't be rolling out the red carpet for him again. If we see him we see him, if we don't, we don't. 🤷‍♀️

Tiredandemosh · 01/12/2018 17:11

My father cut me out of his life because I wasn’t prepared to lay at the feet of the woman he moved in a few months after my mother died. I did try to tolerate her despite him getting together with her just weeks after my mother died but this woman (or him) had no thought for our feelings and hated the close relationship my father and I had. She emotionally blackmailed my father over and over again, until in the end I told him I wasn’t having anything to do with her. This just drove him further into her arms. No one in the family likes her but all it’s done is made them into ‘us against the world’.
He can’t see that she’s a money grabbing, lazy bitch who is is there because she will likely inherit his house (he’s much older)and he’s a doormat who jumps to her every whim.

BonnieandHyde · 01/12/2018 17:12

My brother's GF is currently doing this. He no longer seems to be able to visit us or see our side of the family without her being here too.

Him and our Mum are very close as was he with me and my sister. Now he just doesn't seem to have the mental energy to maintain the family relationship. The sad thing is I actually like his gf Confused

Tiredandemosh · 01/12/2018 17:15

I had the “only meeting together” thing with my father. Bearing in mind that I didn’t know his new GF, he stopped visiting us and his only grandchildren unless she came along too. Every time. If he did attempt to come to us without her she’d put a spanner in the works, turn on the tears and threaten to break up with him. So every time he’d do as he was told. Fool.

DailyMailFail101 · 01/12/2018 17:15

I think it’s quite common, my brothers wife is an only child, she doesn’t understand my brothers relationship with me, we still see each other but it’s not the same as it was, she doesn’t even like him hugging me 😂🙄 my husband is fine with my brother and I’m fine with his siblings.

Debfronut · 01/12/2018 17:17

Very common more so it seems with men. All the cases I have dealt with have involved losing contact with brothers and sadly I have not spoken to my brother for 10 years because of his wife. Men generally seem follow their penises and are not bothered about who is right or wrong.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/12/2018 17:19

Crikey! You don't have much respect for men, do you?

schnubbins · 01/12/2018 17:20

I have twin brother who I have always adored and he me.He had a girlfriend who despised me because of our close relationship.He is no longer with her but that experience taught me to stay in the background Even so his now wife berated me a few years ago over the fact that everyone in my family thought I was wonderful and perfect and that she always felt she was in competition with me. She was so angry.I had no idea.Now I only see my lovely brother on special occasions .I don't want to come between him and his wife .I miss him and our close relationship.

Hoppinggreen · 01/12/2018 17:20

I quite like my Sil (. Brothers wife) and keep in touch with her. My brother on the other hand is vile and I haven’t spoken to him for over 5 years!
I also much prefer my bil to my husbands sister

n0ne · 01/12/2018 17:24

Yup, this is me and DSis. I can't abide narcissist BIL (none of my family can) but I humoured him for years. After I finally called him out on his BS this summer (politely and in as friendly a way as I could) the whole family has more or less imploded and my DSis has pulled away from all of us. This Christmas will be the first ever be don't all spend together and I don't know if we'll ever be close again. I'm devastated Sad

Bluerussian · 01/12/2018 17:25

I don't like you saying you were jealous of your friend's sibling relationship. Jealousy is a really ugly emotion. However I expect you really meant 'mildly envious'.

Regarding Harry and Meghan, apart from her family being publicly difficult, I've not heard of any family rift though I suppose that one (with her family) is enough.

My mother was the youngest of ten children, her oldest sibling, a sister, was some 20 years older. Though she was quite spoiled by everyone, being the baby of the family, she and that sister didn't speak for eleven years because of a row over a suitcase would you believe. I don't know the details.

When I was a child we used to walk past her and her daughter (my cousin), without any acknowledgement from either side. It was only when the older sister was on her death bed that they, sort of, reconciled. What is quite funny is that they were very alike! Not just in looks but their working class snobbery. She (my aunt) used to visit my grandmother regularly on a Wednesday afternoon and on that day, we never went there.

I broke the pattern when I invited my cousin, who was then widowed and had no children, to my wedding. She was quite nice but really obese. My mother used to refer to her as, "Fat" when I was a child Charming aye? Such as, "I saw Fat in the shops today". She was actually quite nice.

Stay out of other people's family difficulties. One can rarely see the entire picture and it's horrible for families to be split, having factions. Far better to just limit contact but make an effort when you have to.

WinterfellWench · 01/12/2018 17:43

@LetsKillAllTheElves

I agree with a pp on page 1. This is clearly a sly Meghan-bashing thread. You need to stop reading the Daily Mail. They loathe her for several different reasons. One main one that's pretty obvious. Wink

There is NO evidence that William and Harry are becoming 'distant' OR that Meghan and Kate hate each other. That's just what the gutter press (and people like you) want to believe.

And yeah, of COURSE some sibling relationships are strained when you don't like their choice of partner. But I don't think that's why you posted this is it? Hmm As I, and several others have said, this just seems to be a thread that has been engineered to bash Meghan Markle.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 01/12/2018 18:21

This could have been a really good question until William and Harry was mentioned.
Nice try LetsKillAllTheElves!!

CoughLaughFart · 01/12/2018 18:53

I don't like you saying you were jealous of your friend's sibling relationship. Jealousy is a really ugly emotion. However I expect you really meant 'mildly envious'.

What an odd post. Why would anyone care if you ‘liked’ them being jealous or not?