Aibu for 'punishing' DH by making him get the food shop?

[stiltonontoast]

DH and I have been married for 2 years, we also have a 10 month old ds.

Background: DH works full time 5 days, I work pt 2 days and 1 day from home (so 3 days all together) I do all the food shopping, meal prep, cleaning. Plus I'm the only one that drives so I do all the driving too, including taking him to work a 2 days a week. He does the bins/recycling and washes up most nights while I cook most nights

Yesterday I picked DH up from work, almost as soon as he got in DH asked what we were having for dinner - I replied beef noodles. He responded with 'oh not again, we have noodles a lot, I'm just not that into it.' I snapped that he can make his own bloody dinner then, and choose the meals and do the shopping from now on. We left it - have been moody with each other since.

He hurt my feelings and I want an apology. In my opinion this is not how you speak to someone who is making you dinner! I approached him this morning and said that I am still feeling sore about his comment, and that I would like an apology or some acknowledgement of wrong doing at least! He sulked... looked away and moodily mumbled 'SORRY.' and then said 'sorry we argued about noodles' with a smile on his face.

Wrong answer! Now I am even more pissed off, he has made light of hurting my feelings and made me feel like he doesn't give a shit.

I've just gone and dropped him and DS off at aldi with shopping list, bags and £1 for the trolley and left them there. He can do the bloody shopping for once. I've told him to text me when he's done and I'll pick him up.

AIBU?

I hope you’ve told him he’s cooking it all too?

Why give him the list?

YABU for writing him a list

I don't think it's wrong to say that you're not that into certain foods especially if you make them often however there's ways of going about it. He should have mentioned it to you previously that he's not that keen on them especially as you do the cooking, shopping etc.

I get in a rut with meals sometimes and DH will say things like " risotto again? " which I can't really argue with because it's one of the meals I make a lot as I like it and it's easy. I try to then leave it out for a while and so something else.

Well done OP. Make sure he does all the cooking and planning until he apologises.

I don't think that's unreasonable in the slightest. I think it's OK to put in requests for particular meals in advance but you don't get to complain about what's served especially if you're not the one doing the cooking and even more if you're not a regular cook.

Also, the task you've given him is one which needs to be done so it's hardly a punishment.

I think non-drivers forget how much work it is driving other people around especially if you're dropping them off. It might only be 30 mins for them but it's an hour for you.

OP I really mean this gently- it sounds like resentment has built up because you don’t have a fair division of homework (that’s what we call domestic drudge chores in our house!)

You definitely aren’t unreasonable to be pissed off that your meal was criticised, but is it a symptom of a wider problem, would it be helpful if you and DH sat down and divided up the homework a bit more fairly ?

So you snapped at your husband because he didn't fancy noodles. Isn't he allowed to express an opinion on what you cook and expect him to eat?
You sound rather childish.

I agree with you 68Anon.

Honestly op, he needs to start pulling his weight more. This is ridiculous. If you don't fix this now he's only going to get worse. He can bloody well manage splitting housework and shopping with you.

You dropped him off with a list and a pound for the trolley. Is he 12?

Sounds like resentment is building up and you need to have a chat about a fair division of responsibilities.

This is about more than the noodles and the shopping. I suspect you feel taken for granted by your dh. You need to that chat with him though before it gets blown out of proportion and you end up falling out over even small stuff.

Is he not allowed an opinion on what he eats for dinner? How bizarre. Seems such an odd thing to get so angry about. Do you never discuss with him what meals you’ll be making? Maybe you should at least meal plan together in the future but to go to the extent of insisting he does all the shopping and cooking from now on is a bit OTT. Maybe you just need to be a bit more collaborative about meals and try and share the workload a little more evenly to avoid you getting so wound up over it.

I agree anon tbh op it sounds like either you're over reacting or things have been building up for a while. It's a pretty daft thing to argue about really, he hurt your feelings by saying he's just not that into beef noodles? That's not s crime

Like pp, I think this is a symptom of something better and you should look at what's really wrong. If everything is fine and going ok, then you wouldn't have flipped out over noodles

He is allowed an opinion if he cooks

Bigger, not better

I don't understand why you gave him the list of you want him to do some meal planning.

I think you have over reacted a bit, especially dragging it into the following day.

A other one saying YABU for giving him a list.

I have a similar issue with my DH, although he does do a lot of the cooking now that he's changed jobs and gets home first. But I do all the meal planning and shopping, and of course he can only cook if he's been told what to cook. He announced a few months back that he wanted to start having a few meat-free meals, so off I went to find some ideas. He asked what we were having one night while I was preparing tea (halloumi and veg bake) and made a very unimpressed noise/face, because apparently he didn't mean 'things like that' and I properly snapped at him. And then cried. So I completely sympathise with your reaction!

I think you have really over reacted to his apology.
I suspect that after a day of bad feeling and sulks, he may have been trying to lighten the mood by expressing the silliness of arguing over some noodles.
I get it.
Your problem is division of labour.
We all get in cooking ruts, he wasn't being unreasonable in expressing an opinion. The timing wasn't ideal but you are turning into something it's not.

He is bloody rude. If he wanted something different he should have asked before, preferably before you did the weekly shop better still he should have offered to cook something himself! When he gets back ask home to draw up an evening meal menu for the month of December so you 'don't get it wrong' again. 🙂

Noodles is my DP's easy to prepare meal, he works full time and I'm a SAHM so I'm happy to cook most night but he does it at the weekends.
Why doesn't he want to drive? I'll understand if he's excempt.

You shouldn't have given him a list, nor a quid for the trolley.

I tend to ask every what they want to eat that week when I’m meal planning. That way we’ve all had an input, and try to rotate things a bit as it’s easy to get fed up with Samey meals.
Can’t be anything too complicated though as me & dh both work FT.

he does the bins and recycling to be honest, unless you are responsible for the bins for the entire street and organising the recycling for a small corner shop this is not actually a domestic job that earns points.

It's a bit like saying

He makes sure the top of the toothpaste is on properly.
It's his responsibility to replace the batteries in the remotes
He always makes sure the fridge door is closed properly before he goes to bed.

BIns *and recycling is a non job.

• unless you live on the 27th floor with no lift, and even then it's not really something a grown man needs an ego rub for.

Yes to this @abbsisspartacus. If they don't say what they want before the shopping is bought or the meal is cooked they don't get a vote because it's already done. Next time say in advance or make it yourself.