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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for 'punishing' DH by making him get the food shop?

77 replies

stiltonontoast · 01/12/2018 13:29

DH and I have been married for 2 years, we also have a 10 month old ds.

Background: DH works full time 5 days, I work pt 2 days and 1 day from home (so 3 days all together) I do all the food shopping, meal prep, cleaning. Plus I'm the only one that drives so I do all the driving too, including taking him to work a 2 days a week. He does the bins/recycling and washes up most nights while I cook most nights

Yesterday I picked DH up from work, almost as soon as he got in DH asked what we were having for dinner - I replied beef noodles. He responded with 'oh not again, we have noodles a lot, I'm just not that into it.' I snapped that he can make his own bloody dinner then, and choose the meals and do the shopping from now on. We left it - have been moody with each other since.

He hurt my feelings and I want an apology. In my opinion this is not how you speak to someone who is making you dinner! I approached him this morning and said that I am still feeling sore about his comment, and that I would like an apology or some acknowledgement of wrong doing at least! He sulked... looked away and moodily mumbled 'SORRY.' and then said 'sorry we argued about noodles' with a smile on his face.

Wrong answer! Now I am even more pissed off, he has made light of hurting my feelings and made me feel like he doesn't give a shit.

I've just gone and dropped him and DS off at aldi with shopping list, bags and £1 for the trolley and left them there. He can do the bloody shopping for once. I've told him to text me when he's done and I'll pick him up.

AIBU?

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/12/2018 14:07

I never understand why people "demand" apologies for perceived slights. If you're forcing someone to say sorry, it's hardly likely to be genuine, is it?

TheBigBangRocks · 01/12/2018 14:08

So he should eat up and not express any desire for a change in meal? If you only work 3/5ths of what he does then it's only fair you do more at home. I'd expect no less the other way round.

If my DH did this to me for daring to say I didn't want the same meal yet again, he wouldn't be my DH for much longer.

viques · 01/12/2018 14:10

And when you say he does the washing up, does he do proper washing up or the lazy persons washing up that means leaving the pans to soak overnight (!) , not drying stuff and putting it away in the right place , not wiping down the sink and kitchen surfaces , not putting tea towels in the wash and not popping down the top of the washing up liquid bottle so it doesn't thicken into primeval ooze.

MaisyPops · 01/12/2018 14:15

I think this has to be about more than noodles.

If it's as simple as DH said he'd bored of having noodles then you're way overreacting. I dont care who cooks in a house, everyone is free to have an opinion. I dont get the 'unless you shop/cook then you have no say and should be gushingly grateful for whatever is served' mentality.

Starfish28 · 01/12/2018 14:15

Good god your not overreacting. As others have said I won’t have given a list or £1. Why do you have to do all the shopping and cooking? In terms of the division of labour your basically doing it all.

Original poster
stiltonontoast · 01/12/2018 14:16

? If you only work 3/5ths of what he does then it's only fair you do more at home. I'd expect no less the other way round.

There’s some very bad maths in there. Since when is all day childcare not work?

OP posts:
howabout · 01/12/2018 14:18

YABU

Getting him to meal plan and write the shopping list for the week would have been a more appropriate punishment.

Now he will shop for you with bad grace, forget to check sell by dates and misinterpret the list all the way round.

diddl · 01/12/2018 14:19

Does he ever show an interest in planning meals?

I think if he doesn't even offer suggestions of meals, it'a a bit rich to be moaning tbh.

Perhaps you can each choose meals for the week?

Does he ever cook?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2018 14:22

You've shot yourself in the foot still giving him a list. He's a grown man. He should know what you're likely to need. And by providing a list, you've don't the "brainwork"...

Sirzy · 01/12/2018 14:23

You need to sit down and meal plan together. I would get annoyed as an adult at being told what I was eating every night. Even in your sulk your being controlling by sending a list.

While you at it you can also sit down and discuss the division of labour

PurpleDaisies · 01/12/2018 14:24

It’s hard carrying all the mental load for what the family eats every single day.

This is what works for us:
Meal plan for the week together
Dh takes responsibility for 2 meals (he does much more cleaning than I do)
Internet shop for ingredients

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 01/12/2018 14:26

I think he's allowed to express his preferences but imo he should be expressing those at the planning and shopping stage. In other words he should actually be involved in deciding meals, shopping for ingredients, prep and cooking. If he's choosing not to or you've sleep walked into this set up then it's time to change things.

The fact you see him doing the food shop as a punishment is ridiculous imo, it's reinforcing the idea that it's not really something he should have to think about. Seriously if you're feeling resentful or taken for granted then have a proper discussion about it but sulking and punishing is just a bit silly.

trojanpony · 01/12/2018 14:27

YABU for writing him a list

^ This

Hope you are in a cafe enjoying a book and coffee /cake

Sarahjconnor · 01/12/2018 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grumblepants · 01/12/2018 14:29

I could have written your post! The only difference in our situations4is that me and DH both drive.
I do all the cooking, shopping and meal planning and when he asks me what's for dinner and he doesn't like what I tell him, he responds with "or?" It's as if he thinks he's in a bloody restaurant and can pick and choose.
He would have a panic attack if I asked him to do a weekly shop, or he would come home with 7 large pizzas!

bringbackthestripes · 01/12/2018 14:33

My DH will sometimes say “oh no not X again”. It’s not a big deal, I just leave it off the weekly menu for the next couple of weeks. I wouldn’t snap at him for saying it and start thinking of punishments.

It sounds as though this is about more than noodles.

Aridane · 01/12/2018 14:34

He is allowed an opinion if he cooks

So if he doesn’t ok, he isn’t allowed to say anything at all? (!)

WisdomOfCrowds · 01/12/2018 14:39

I'm with you. My dp is currently paying for his sins by doing all the meal planning and cooking (and most of the other chores) until further notice. I don't care if it's childish and doesn't address the real problem, it's making me feel better.

BewareOfDragons · 01/12/2018 14:41

He shouldn't need you to write him a list ... but the reality is, OP was probably right to give him one anyway if she'll still be doing all the cooking, and she isn't going to want to have to go back to the shop if she doesn't have what she needs to actually prepare meals that will be eaten by the 2 year old and everyone else.

You do need a fairer division of housework, though. You shouldn't be doing all the cleaning, and he should know this, not wait for you to 'manage' his involvement in the maintenance and care of his own home and children.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2018 14:42

What's the rest of the story here OP?
Do you want him to do more around the house? I wouldn't blame you personally as washing up and bin duty is a bit shit.

WisdomOfCrowds · 01/12/2018 14:48

Since when is all day childcare not work?

Ah but you forget that it isn't salaried work. Don't you know that things only become difficult or exhausting once you're offered money to do them? Thats why childcare providers/ cleaners are super hard working and paid far to little for their services, whilst SAHM are lazy workshy leeches who should do everything at home 24/7 with a smile on their face and never ask for any help or appreciation. It doesn't matter if your partner works 9-5 mon-fri in a stress and responsibility free office job while you're on your feet all day doing everything for everybody and never get a day off, he's a wage earner and therefore indisputably harder working than you could ever be.

MaisyPops · 01/12/2018 15:00

If someone is at home more it is reasonable that they do more of the home things. It's basic common sense.

I have a feeling what is about to happen is:

  • People start saying looking after their own child is the same as being employed as a professional childcare worker
  • anyone who says otherwise will get told they must hate SAHP
  • general competition over who has it more difficult
dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2018 15:03

This is why I never packed in FT work to look after kids, because then you're assumed to become the Maid of All Work and you have no right to express any reaction to whatever the Almighty Earner does. Fuck that. We both worked FT and split the lifework including meal planning, prep, cooking and cleaning up.

YANBU.

onceandneveragain · 01/12/2018 15:04

agree with viques - I always laugh on MN when posters suggest they and (always male) partners split chores equally because OP washes/cleans/cooks/shops/meal plans and accumulation of other chores that approximate to 2-3 hours per day, every day, whereas partner does things like 'takes out bins' (30 sec job once a week or fortnight) and 'sorts out the bills' (set up a direct debit five years ago), or 'deals with the cars' (books MOT and service annually, possibly spends a minute filling tyres with air once in a blue moon).

Holidayshopping · 01/12/2018 15:05

Do you mean those instant noodles that you boils the kettle and pour water over? If so-I can see why that wouldn’t be a popular meal choice!

I would sit down with him and a bit of paper and divvy out the days and say-‘Right, that’s your day to cook, what are you doing and what stuff do you need for it? Here, write it on this list.’

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