Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu for 'punishing' DH by making him get the food shop?

77 replies

stiltonontoast · 01/12/2018 13:29

DH and I have been married for 2 years, we also have a 10 month old ds.

Background: DH works full time 5 days, I work pt 2 days and 1 day from home (so 3 days all together) I do all the food shopping, meal prep, cleaning. Plus I'm the only one that drives so I do all the driving too, including taking him to work a 2 days a week. He does the bins/recycling and washes up most nights while I cook most nights

Yesterday I picked DH up from work, almost as soon as he got in DH asked what we were having for dinner - I replied beef noodles. He responded with 'oh not again, we have noodles a lot, I'm just not that into it.' I snapped that he can make his own bloody dinner then, and choose the meals and do the shopping from now on. We left it - have been moody with each other since.

He hurt my feelings and I want an apology. In my opinion this is not how you speak to someone who is making you dinner! I approached him this morning and said that I am still feeling sore about his comment, and that I would like an apology or some acknowledgement of wrong doing at least! He sulked... looked away and moodily mumbled 'SORRY.' and then said 'sorry we argued about noodles' with a smile on his face.

Wrong answer! Now I am even more pissed off, he has made light of hurting my feelings and made me feel like he doesn't give a shit.

I've just gone and dropped him and DS off at aldi with shopping list, bags and £1 for the trolley and left them there. He can do the bloody shopping for once. I've told him to text me when he's done and I'll pick him up.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 01/12/2018 15:09

When he text send him the number of a taxi firm.

Onestep2 · 01/12/2018 15:10

Totally agree.

Me and DH both work FT and i do all meal prep shopping cooking etc. If DH doesn't like what I cook as far as im concerned he can make his own fucking dinner 😂

My DH would fail miserably if I left him to get food shop for a week. Though I would have a good laugh at his attempt.

And I defo wouldn't have gave him a list. 😂😂

theworldistoosmall · 01/12/2018 15:10

What is the point in sending him out when you have done the majority of the work? He still has to eat noodles he isn’t keen on.

Here we all get a say on the weeks meals regardless of who cooks. Even the dc’s got a day before they were able to cook.

Rudgie47 · 01/12/2018 15:17

I think he should start doing 1/2 of all the housework and the food shopping as well. You could do it one week and him the next.
I'd say we choose what to eat on say Friday for the following week, do rough meal plans, then one person goes and does the shop. He also needs to be cooking the dinner half the week.
I cant blame him though for not wanting noodles, they taste of absolutely nothing.
He sounds a lazy arse OP, tell him what he needs to be doing from now on. If he doesn't like it, he knows what he can do.

hairyspiderleg · 01/12/2018 15:18

"whats for dinner?" is my 13 year olds first question after getting in from school, she often replies with the same answer as your dh, but that's because she would happily eat pasta bake every day with the odd curry thrown in for a change! I shop on a Monday morning so we all sit down and write 3 dinners each we would like on a Sunday so that gives me a loose plan depending on offers in shops on Monday.

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 01/12/2018 15:20

I do all the cooking and shopping too (I love cooking, I really don't mind so I'm not complaining), but I say 'I was thinking of cooking XXX for supper, what do you think', kind of thing. But if it's a deeper grudge, rather than you would rather he did his share of the cooking, why not split it - you cook you choose?

paintinmyhairAgain · 01/12/2018 15:43

god this sounds so ridiculous all this pouting, sulking and want apologies over a percieved slight, punishing him - wtf ? sorry if i'm going my own way on this but this does sound rather immature arguing about what to eat, if you don't want to cook for him them don't but this is not the way forward. holding petty grudges builds up into bigger things and the next thing you know, you're really in deep shit.

TheBigBangRocks · 01/12/2018 15:45

Since when is all day childcare not work

How sad to see your own child as work. Childcare is providing professional care for a child not of your own for a salary. Looking after your own child is parenting.

PixiKitKat · 01/12/2018 15:48

My fiance does the cooking and I tell him if I don't fancy something or don't like it much.

Fortunately, he listens to me and will switch up the menu. Just because he does the cooking doesn't mean I have to eat what I'm given like I'm a child. I have a say in what is cooked too. However, we both do the food shop together. Can't you do that and meal plan together?

RedFin · 01/12/2018 15:55

Yanbu for being annoyed.
Yabu for having made the list

I suggest when you ask him how it went and he tells you it was fine and he doesn't know why you make such a big deal out of meal prep etc you say "great, the job is yours for the next fortnight (at least). No noodles please and I don't want to eat the same thing twice. Don't worry about the bins sweetheart, I'll take them out, is that a fair swap?"

howabout · 01/12/2018 16:01

Bigbang if Op was not looking after the DC then her lazy complaining DP would have to pay someone to do it. It is work whether paid or not. Or do you just go out the door in the morning and leave yours to fend for themselves? Shock

differentnameforthis · 01/12/2018 16:04

Good luck to your ds when he doesn't want what you cooked. What will you do then, op?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/12/2018 16:06

Yep I third what viques said - once a week, 30 second jobs and washing a few dishes for 3 people isn’t him pulling his weight. He works ft, OP works ft - 10 month old babies don’t look after themselves. Chores should be 50:50.

Jux · 01/12/2018 16:07

What RedFin said ^^

HavelockVetinari · 01/12/2018 16:13

Why doesn't he drive?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 01/12/2018 16:16

Yes! To what Redfin said too - will be interesting to see him backtrack out of that...

theWarOnPeace · 01/12/2018 16:17

The whole driving him to the shops with a list, a pound coin, and then picking him up is nonsense.

The main issue is that he’s had it too easy for too long and had left all the drudgery to you without you complaining (AFAIK). You complain when he insults your noodles, which appears to be the final straw of something that should have been settled previously. You didn’t need to snap and be childish, you just need to say “why am I expected to do all of the shitty work, and you have responsibility of washing up and bins? That’s completely unfair and needs to change from today”. Do you do the majority of the childcare outside of working hours too?

helacells · 01/12/2018 16:23

Plan your menu together like grownups

Adnerb95 · 01/12/2018 16:37

It's all a bit of a drama isn't it? All that's needed is an honest, calm review of the shares of domestic chores and a bit of rebalancing.

You can both then feel free to express any dietary preferences without fear of it becoming a major issue.

GreenTulips · 01/12/2018 16:44

All that's needed is an honest, calm review of the shares of domestic chores and a bit of rebalancing

If it was that easy I think OP would've obtained the perfect life balance already

Unfortunately some men assume that cooking and cleaning is wife work and they don't get involved

Good for you for dropping him off - enjoy the Jaffa cakes and crisps in abundance

paintinmyhairAgain · 01/12/2018 16:51

have does it make someone a second class citizen if they don't drive ? there doesn't need to be a reason,

StinksALot · 01/12/2018 17:02

Hope he got some nice extras and is now cooking you something delicious Grin

BlackeyedGruesome · 01/12/2018 17:09

And when you say he does the washing up, does he do proper washing up or the lazy persons washing up that means leaving the pans to soak overnight (!) , not drying stuff and putting it away in the right place , not wiping down the sink and kitchen surfaces , not putting tea towels in the wash and not popping down the top of the washing up liquid bottle so it doesn't thicken into primeval ooze.

I really liked this quote from viques so much I have copied it and put it here again.

particularly annoying if it is accompanied by a whining "I did the washing up for you "

Echobelly · 01/12/2018 17:20

It is annoying when someone complains about the food if they've made no effort to buy it and/or prepare it, although they still do have a right to say they don't like something.

I wouldn't use shopping as a punishment as a whole, but I think it would be a good idea to use this as a springboard to ask DH to do the shopping now and then if you need him to. Mine does do it sometimes; I slightly prefer to do it myself, but I appreciate a break from it as well.

AngelsSins · 01/12/2018 17:26

but this does sound rather immature arguing about what to eat

It sounds rather immature to whine about what your wife is cooking for you rather than cooking yourself sometimes. He’s a grown adult for fuck sake.