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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH annoyed I bought 1yo DD a coat

113 replies

Wingingthis · 01/12/2018 12:40

I picked up DD a coat I saw in the sale last week.
DH annoyed that he didn’t get a say, said he never gets to choose what she wears (told him just to buy stuff no problem he just never does) and in the future wants me to run everything by him before I buy it for her.

AIBU that this is ridiculous?!

OP posts:
KM99 · 02/12/2018 21:17

Sorry, I'm going against the grain here but my OH and I consult each other 99% of the time on house and child purchases. It didn't stem from disagreement or control, but a conversation we had when I was pregnant that we have equal responsibilities and equal rights in parenting.

Now and again we might pick up a little something for DS if one of us is out and about and that's fine. But we buy most clothes online and just quickly check with each other if we like it.

My OH wants to be actively involved in all aspects of raising DS. I'd be annoyed off he came home having bought DS a coat and not run it by me. And vice versa.

All these responses saying it's ridiculous. Maybe your OH just wants to be more involved? And not confined to some archaic gender roles in parenting?

Larrythecat · 02/12/2018 21:37

My DH did exactly the same with my daughter's first coat. This was about 4 years ago! It was because in his view, the coat was something she was going to wear every day, and not something like a t-shirt that gets chucked in the wash in the first day. He had the same reaction when I cut her hair as an under-the-chin bob. I think he felt left out, as if I was not involving him in what he understood were decisions that had an impact on the every day life for a longish term.
I just involved him a bit more, sent pics via WhatsApp when it was something that she would wear of have every day (backpack, bedding, house items, etc). To be fair, he does that to me too and sends me whatever link from online retailers if he sees something he likes, to see what I think. Usually things that have a long life and will be used for months, or things that are a bit pricey. I do tend to buy now the kids' coats with him or comment on them, but rarely anything else. I wouldn't do that with school shoes, for example, or even the lunch bag. But he does feel that the coat and the haircut give a more lasting impression of identity and he likes to have an input. To be completely honest, if I put myself in his position, I do understand it. It's more about imposing an style on my child, when I want to be the one that at least tries to convince my child to opt for my style, IYKWIM. He might not like the coat, he might have wanted to go shopping together for her first coat, same with her first shoes?
I would not think less of him. It's nice that he wants to be involved in that kind of stuff. Involve him more, he will tell you when he has had enough lol. My DH still likes buying the coats, as they last the year, and he is usually the one to point at new ones when out and about. He doesn't care much about any other item of clothing. He might comment on bedding, but I think he has a thing with coats, also for himself, in that he probably puts a lot of meaning into them, as personality statement. Same as me with shoes I guess!!

TurquoiseDress · 02/12/2018 21:47

YANBU

He is being properly ridiculous!

WTF he can go out and buy another coat as well if he wants...you picked up one in the sales, you had to act on the spot and just get it!

Racecardriver · 02/12/2018 21:54

Unless the cost was unforgivably hideous and you have form for dressing her in really awful clothing and thus was his attempt toorecebt that without having to tell you that you have terrible taste YANBU.

Hushhush89 · 02/12/2018 22:34

I can't believe what I just read, you brought something your DD needs and he is moaning about it. Tell him he needs to grow up and if he isn't happy with you buying clothing then he should take over with her wardrobe and making sure she has everything she needs, I bet then he'll be complaining it's too much for him to do.

I have 3 DD and every time I go shopping for me I always end up bringing them something back without having to ask my DH permission, yes if its something that I'm not to sure about I'll message him a picture and see what he thinks. And my DH is exactly the same, I've lost count how many times he walks in and says 'sorry but I just had to get this for DDs' no idea why he appologises tho but I say the same....lol

Barbie222 · 02/12/2018 22:44

In a few years' time, remind him about this conversation and that he needs to start buying her all her Sanpro and running each purchase past you. Or tell him now that that's what you'll do with a big giggle, the only thing to do with this is to laugh it away before he can register it as a serious thing to say.

Diverami · 02/12/2018 23:05

It sounds to me as though this might be the start of the road to controlling and abusive. You are right to train him by taking some of the suggestions offered.

Cornishclio · 02/12/2018 23:31

It is a £10 coat. He is being ridiculous. Something else going on here. Is he controlling in other ways?

threatmatrix · 02/12/2018 23:56

I might be old fashioned but what sort of a man moans about choosing a child’s outfit. Thinking that I could be wrong I asked my partner and my two sons, all of which looked at me as if I had lost the plot. All said it’s not really a man thing and that he needs to get a grip.

Touchmybum · 03/12/2018 00:23

Tell him to fuck off, and give you half the price of the coat!!
Twat.

Catsinthecupboard · 03/12/2018 03:56

My good friend's husband is like this. Has been 25 years. He is ridiculous. I think he's a turd. I listen to her as she tells me how she never thought that she would live like she does; no say in decorating her home, he watches everything she spends. I mean small amounts. Now our children are grown, her dd writes to me and calls her by her first name. My dc dislike him intensely.

He also didn't let their dd stay at home when she was 20 and needed stability and safety of home.

My dh once threatened to be sick while i was work clothes shopping for HIM! He only cares if we don't have money to spend. Not what i buy. He trusts me and (obviously) hates shopping.
I am not sure my point, except i hope this is a one time thing for you. OP.

Best wishes and a polite but frank conversation to understand the situation better may be in order.

KM99 · 03/12/2018 12:28

So I get some of the responders here are worried it's controlling and yes, if he does this in all aspects of her life that's alarming.

But some of the attitudes on here are straight from the 1950s.

"Not really a man thing", "get him to buy her sanitary products in the future". It's attitudes like that influence how our kids see gender roles. You wonder why there is still pay gap issues, sexual harassment, glass ceiling?? It's this "man make fire, woman do chores" attitude.

My husband has been known to buy my tampons, he shares the housework, he was main career for our DS when I went back to work. I'm the one who maintains our car. It's called living in 2018.

HoppingPavlova · 03/12/2018 21:36

KM99 I think everyone understands this but it still seems odd. My DH would have rather poked his eyes out with forks than clothes shopped for our kids. Yes, at times he HAD to do it, with it being the 2000’s and all, when I had no capacity and they needed new clothes. So while he had to do it every now and then it’s not something he would have ever jumped up to volunteer to do and I imagine having to make all clothes choices together would have made his blood run cold, no way he would have insisted on it.

It’s pretty simple really. If a kid needs a new item of clothing, one parent must get it. It really doesn’t need a committee approach to purchasing said item. That’s weird.

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