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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH annoyed I bought 1yo DD a coat

113 replies

Wingingthis · 01/12/2018 12:40

I picked up DD a coat I saw in the sale last week.
DH annoyed that he didn’t get a say, said he never gets to choose what she wears (told him just to buy stuff no problem he just never does) and in the future wants me to run everything by him before I buy it for her.

AIBU that this is ridiculous?!

OP posts:

formerbabe · 01/12/2018 13:31

*occured

Chocolatedeficitdisorder · 01/12/2018 13:32

Maybe the poor guy just wants to share in the experiences of shopping for clothes for his first child? I think many mums take it for granted that they can fire ahead with making the little choices alone. Certainly, some men don't care but other do and we call them controlling?

We want our men to be involved, thoughtful and equal parents but we insult them when they try. The OP's DH just wanted to make joint choices, not run off and lock the baby in a tower for only him to see.

Come on ladies, if the genders were reversed here, and a woman wanted to be more involved in buying their baby stuff, we would still be calling the man controlling for not involving her.

LilMadAgain · 01/12/2018 13:33

Twisted is right, I'd find his attitude very strange unless he's always neurotic?

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/12/2018 13:33

Nope, really wouldn't change my view if the sexes and roles were reversed.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 01/12/2018 13:33

It's not about the clothes.

It's about his need to be in control. I'd be stamping down on that pretty quickly OP before you end up locked in the house.............

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/12/2018 13:35

Also, he hasn't tried to be a thoughtful caring equal parent. He's just thrown a tantrum over a very minor choice. He could have noticed that DD needed a new coat and organised buying one together on his days off instead, if he really wanted to.

diddl · 01/12/2018 13:37

Op are you a SAHM so out & about & can pick stuff up as & when?

I mean if that's the case it's ridiculous (imo) to go home, tell OH about it & then go back again.

Make sure you have you a phone, send a pic & ask his opinion?

Does he actually want to go out & buy stuff or just feel involved?

I guess when you know something is needed you could ask him styles & colour??!!

theworldistoosmall · 01/12/2018 13:37

If he was interested in buying things then he could pop to the shop and buy something. But alas, op clearly says he never bothers. No-one is stopping him from making purchases. No-one really wants to be looking at socks and thinks oh hang on a minute and call their other half to ask their opinion, if my hypothetical partner did that I would wonder wtf they were doing.

theredjellybean · 01/12/2018 13:38

this is all over a coat for a 1 year old ???????
crikey i struggled to get dexh to remember to put a coat on dds at that age.
he needs a reality check..what a twat and sorry OP but basically he told you off and told you you were not allowed to make any decisions.
i would be laughing in his face..

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/12/2018 13:40

Good grief.

If one of us was out, saw something on sale and it was something we needed or would need either one we'd get it.

The odd message exchange to check on the size maybe if dp was unsure on account of not usually being the one who got the clothes

It's rather odd your dh objected. It's a coat not a dishwasher

AnoukSpirit · 01/12/2018 13:47

Don't be so fucking disingenuous with that "if the sexes were reversed" bullshit. Poor guy indeed.

He doesn't want to be involved in joint decisions. He's refused the opportunity to make choices and buy clothes himself. Repeatedly by the sounds of it. He's refused to be involved. He has denied himself any chance to make joint decisions.

Instead he's demanded that the op continue doing the shopping but runs all her decisions past him for his approval first.

The fuck is that not controlling. He refused every option that would have meant it was about a desire to be involved.

If you try to control people you don't get to bitch about it being insulting that you're correctly described as controlling.

Insulting is popping up online and telling someone it's normal or loving for their partner to gradually seek to exert control over them. It's not.

TheChickenOfTruth · 01/12/2018 13:48

If the husband was buying or asking to buy clothing and the OP was telling him no, their daughter could only wear the things she had chosen then it would be controlling.

Instead what this is is a man who takes no responsibility for actually realising that his daughter needed a new coat (I'm sure he had put the old coat on her and noticed it was getting snug and could have asked his wife if she had already planned/bought a new coat, but he chose not to. Or simply didn't notice because he doesn't care enough), and then insists that all decisions are approved by him without him actually having to do any of the work of forward thinking or going out and buying it himself.

If he wants her dressed in clothes he approves of, all he has to do is buy them and put them on her. Easy.

theworldistoosmall · 01/12/2018 13:48

Ahh is there going to be a drip feed and the coat cost over a grand and so there's no rent money Because that's the only logical reason I can think he would want to be consulted

Venison · 01/12/2018 13:49

This made me feel a bit sick.its really not normal and it's not ok. God I'm glad I got out of this before it was too late. Normal people.do.not behave like this. Run.

TwistedStitch · 01/12/2018 13:49

We want our men to be involved, thoughtful and equal parents but we insult them when they try

He hasn't tried though. OP clearly states that he never bothers to buy clothes for their child. His attempts at 'involvement' appear to be OP doing all the work and then asking him if she is allowed to buy the clothes she has found. Bollocks to that.

Hengine · 01/12/2018 13:52

I read the title as cat and thought he was going to have a point-
But a coat should not cause this much aggro unless there’s a huge backstory of no money/expensive coat or something

Orchiddingme · 01/12/2018 13:53

Divide up the clothes and shoes to be bought. Give him half the list. Tell him you trust him to get the right size/measure everything. Leave him to get on with it.

My husband did all the shoe shopping for our kids for years, plus some clothes from supermarket, I would get other clothes. Worked well. His responsibility to get ballet outfits as well.

Meangirls36 · 01/12/2018 13:53

Definitely a glue sniffer! but he could just send you catalogue links.

theworldistoosmall · 01/12/2018 13:55

Rather than sending links, he could just go one step further and make the purchase.

Ellie56 · 01/12/2018 13:57

He should be celebrating that you saved money and got a bargain in the sale when DD actually needs a coat, not complaining.

He sounds a right twat.

Oceanbliss · 01/12/2018 14:01

Chocolatedeficitdisorder the Op isn't stopping DH being equally involved. He can bloody well buy their one year old clothes etc when he's out and about or online and guess what? He doesn't even have to check with DW first. He can choose it and buy it simply because he likes it and thinks DD would look good in it.

MrsTerryPratcett · 01/12/2018 14:10

Come on ladies, if the genders were reversed here, and a woman wanted to be more involved in buying their baby stuff, we would still be calling the man controlling for not involving her.

You'd have a point if he'd offered to buy clothes, come shopping for clothes, gone online for clothes. He wasn't want to do the work, just the management. Like she's an employee. That's why it's controlling.

Original poster

Wingingthis · 01/12/2018 14:29

Just to be clear - it was £10 in the sale which we can most definitely afford. No weird back story that I’m hiding! And yes I’m a SAHM.

OP posts:

Crunchymum · 01/12/2018 14:36

Is he like this with all purchases?

Are you given free and easy access to all the money you need?

Does he "control" the finances? As he he deals with all the big bills etc?

I assume you are on ML, has this changed your financial dynamic?

user1484424013 · 01/12/2018 14:36

Fucking major red flags. Weird beyond belief. Soon neither you and your daughter will be allowed to pick your own food in a restaurant.

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