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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so annoyed with 'MIL'?

107 replies

PurpleRose01 · 29/11/2018 17:52

I'd like some other views on this, as I freely admit to not always keeping things in proportion.

DP's brother lives in London, but always comes up for Christmas. This year, his gf is coming up between Christmas and New Year. 'MIL' has announced that she will be hosting a buffet for family while she is up. Invited are me, DP, DP's cousin and her husband and DP's aunt.

My mum moved down to the town we live in back in 2016. She now lives about a 20min walk from us and 'MIL'. No mention of her being invited. Now, for many years it was mum and me against the world so I do take things to heart on her behalf. She might not even want to come along, but it's the fact she hasn't even been invited. AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
SillySallySingsSongs · 29/11/2018 20:33

Not gonna let her spend Christmas all alone.

OPs DM won't be! Itis s buffet between Christmas and New Year. Hmm

CurlyhairedAssassin · 29/11/2018 20:37

Yeah, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve - they’re totally different. Only a mean nasty person would leave someone alone on Christmas Day .

Narya · 29/11/2018 20:41

I know it's not the same in every family, but we generally see my relatives and DPs relatives separately. I wouldn't expect our respective parents to be inviting each other to things tbh, they really don't have anything in common except me and DP.

WhyAmISoCold · 29/11/2018 20:43

Are we now looking for the thinest of reasons to hate MILs. Don't be so utterly ridiculous OP, why on earth should your partner's mum invite your mum??!!

Purplejay · 29/11/2018 20:45

Unless it’s christmas Day yabu.

Holidayshopping · 29/11/2018 20:45

Does your DM invite MIL to every gathering she has?

This. Does she?

MulticolourMophead · 29/11/2018 20:46

Yeah, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve - they’re totally different. Only a mean nasty person would leave someone alone on Christmas Day.

Wrong. I would never have inflicted my dad's dad on anyone. That toxic, violently abusive, arsehole did the world a favour the day he died.

Sometimes, trying to be the bigger person and sucking it up simply results in everyone being thoroughly miserable. Some people deserve to reap what they sow and should be left alone on Christmas day. My DBro and I were scared of our grandad, and after one particularly bad Christmas day he was never invited back.

Mummyshark2018 · 29/11/2018 21:04

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. You said it's happening on the days between Xmas and new year, so it's not like it's actual Xmas day- if it was then I think you'd have a point. Would your mum actually want to go? If you think she would then just ask MIL

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 29/11/2018 21:15

YABU - there is no worse cheapskate that someone that wants to be social with their relatives but wants someone else to foot the bill and do all the work.

What entertaining are you doing this Christmas?

HauntedPencil · 29/11/2018 22:14

I think it's a bit unreasonable too, an invite for your mum would have been a lovely gesture but I wouldn't have expected it if she's doing a family thing.

KeiTeNgeNge · 30/11/2018 01:10

So does your DM invite Mil to all her social events?

ThistleAmore · 30/11/2018 01:14

Have you even considered the fact that your mother would have no interest in attending?

Jesus tapdancing Christ, get over yourself. You have been invited as a 'family outlier' - where would it stop, your third cousins twice removed?

SandAndSea · 30/11/2018 01:22

I'm close to my mum too but unless it's Christmas Day or Boxing Day and mil knows she's going to be with you, I wouldn't expect her to be invited.

ThatWouldBeNO · 30/11/2018 01:31

Are you coming back, OP?

junebirthdaygirl · 30/11/2018 01:33

My dm has 8 children, all married. She would have some fun at her buffets if this was a regular expectation!!
This is a family occasion. Your dm is in a different family and its perfectly reasonable not to have invited her.

Bluerussian · 30/11/2018 01:56

Why don't you just say to your mother in law that your mum would appreciate an invitation. Say it gently. She probably hasn't thought of it, people are sometimes thoughtless. Sorry if someone else has said this, I haven't read all posts - going to bed now.

CuntOnAShelf · 30/11/2018 02:05

I’m surprised to see the responses saying it’s the norm to not want to invite a child’s spouses parents to a meal (which I agree with btw) when I’ve just read a thread with lots of people calling an OP a tight-fisted miserable mean person for not wanting to go to her dds partner she parents for a meal and being pissed that when she accepts they change plans at last minute to a resteraunt and OP spends £80 she can’t afford.

Lots of posters telling her it’s odd to not want to socialise with her child’s in laws.

StoppinBy · 30/11/2018 02:33

Why don't you just ask if you can invite her?

lalalalyra · 30/11/2018 06:07

Unless the buffet is on Christmas Day or New Year's Day when you'd reasonably be expected to already have plans with your mum then you are being unreasonable.

The only way I'd expect your MIL to automatically invite your Mum if if it was your Mum's "turn" to have you and your DP this year, or if your Mum was staying with you for Christmas. Not just because she lives in the same town.

tryinganewname · 30/11/2018 06:13

Also find it strange that you would expect this.

What's more, putting 'MIL' doesn't make a difference, she's your MIL wether you like it or not but she sounds perfectly reasonable to me, even nice to be putting on a buffet to welcome a potential new member of the family.

junebirthdaygirl · 30/11/2018 07:29

On a shelf..it is the norm to be invited once to introduce parents to each other. But its not the norm to invite them to a family occasion where a new gf is coming to meet parents for the first time. These are completely different scenarios and need to be considered in a different way.
Imagine going home with your new bf for the first time only to find people outside the family there.

Quartz2208 · 30/11/2018 07:48

Onashelf two different things. This is a family event to meet the new boyfriend that was an event for the parents to meet each other

SillySallySingsSongs · 30/11/2018 08:14

Why don't you just say to your mother in law that your mum would appreciate an invitation. Say it gently. She probably hasn't thought of it, people are sometimes thoughtless

Nothing to do with being thoughtless. Hmm it isn't usual to invite your DS, partners mother to a buffet to meet your other childs new GF!

JustJoinedRightNow · 30/11/2018 08:23

Not sure OP is coming back - what’s happening here today? That’s two on the trot I’ve read and the OP didn’t come back!

CuntOnAShelf · 03/12/2018 00:41

This is a family event to meet the new boyfriend that was an event for the parents to meet each other

The Op said she’d already met the parents on that thread, she wasn’t refusing to meet them at all She didn’t want to socialise with them and manufacture a friendship. I can’t see where the OP of this thread says anything about the buffet being to meet a new partner either so assumed it was just a “all the family are here this year so I’ll throw a buffet” thing, rather than it being for a new partner.

It seemed comparable to me as the first was someone not wanting to go to a social meal with a child’s biyfriends parents and being told they are her family too and she’s a tight-fisted anti social whatever, and then here the suggestion that that someone include their child’s spouses parents in a family meal is met with she’s not her family and she shouldn’t have to include her in her family social events.

I’d read one thread after the other though and could have missed the meeting a new boyfriend in this thread. just found the opposing comments about forming friendships and socialing with a child’s inlaws being the norm and OP being told she’s anti social, to this thread where most are saying it’s weird to expect an invite to her child’s in laws social gathering and pointing out OPs mum is not her husbands Mum family.