To be so annoyed with 'MIL'?

[PurpleRose01]

I'd like some other views on this, as I freely admit to not always keeping things in proportion.

DP's brother lives in London, but always comes up for Christmas. This year, his gf is coming up between Christmas and New Year. 'MIL' has announced that she will be hosting a buffet for family while she is up. Invited are me, DP, DP's cousin and her husband and DP's aunt.

My mum moved down to the town we live in back in 2016. She now lives about a 20min walk from us and 'MIL'. No mention of her being invited. Now, for many years it was mum and me against the world so I do take things to heart on her behalf. She might not even want to come along, but it's the fact she hasn't even been invited. AIBU to be annoyed?

Is BILs GF mum invited?

YABU.

Have you posted something similar before, complaining that your partner's family don't include your entire family in their get-togethers, because if it wasn't you then there has been something pretty similar about a birthday dinner?

She invited you. It sounds like an opportunity for her (partners mum) to have HER family meet their prospective DIL, I don't see why she'd start inviting your family too? You're being a bit precious OP, your talking about your mum, not your 2 year old. She may even have her own plans - as you say, it's not like you even know she'd accept an invite! Leave it be be. If partner's brother and his girlfriend become serious I'm sure there'll be bigger get-togethers down the road.

Is BILs GF mum invited?

Hardly the same since she obviously doesn't live nearby.

OP didn't post an aggressive OP so I don't think there's need for aggressive replies. OP I don't think MiL would have thought to include your mum because in most families the couples respective parents only tend to mix at events organised by the couple themselves. Otherwise intimate family gatherings can become huge (each sibling's partner's parents get invited, cousin's partner's parents are invited etc) and lots of the people there won't even know each other well.

If the event was being held on christmas day itself I would expect her to invite your mum though rather than have her alone.

Including your mum isn't necessarily a bad idea if she knows MiL and your partner's family well (if she doesn't it might be better for them to get acquainted elsewhere and leave this event for getting to know the new girlfriend). Perhaps you could politely suggest it to Mil? Or alternatively if you feel your mum would like to be more involved with your partner's family you might need to arrange lots of gatherings yourself where they're both invited.

So the buffet isn't on Xmas day? YABU

My in laws kindly include my mum in Christmas celebrations but my mum does not expected to every gathering, even if it's near Xmas.

What do you and your mum invite MIL to?

Does she even know your mum? My parents met DH's mum only once - at our wedding. They lived 300 miles apart, and DD was born after my parents died, so they would never have had another reason to meet. We lived roughly halfway between the two BTW.

I do think it is unrealistic for you to expect your partner's parents to invite your mum though.

DD has been going out with her boyfriend for 3 years. We have never been invited to anything they do and we have never invited them either.

Just ask MIL if your Mum can come, too - simple

No, don't do that, OP. You will just put your MiL on the spot and she is not BU to not invite your Mum.

Bit weird to expect her to invite your DM.
Even more weird to be annoyed that she hasn’t invited her to a buffet she is putting on for HER family.
YABU

I definitely wouldn't push it though. When my FiL first got together with his partner she was very pushy about having her adult daughter included in all occasions. It made things very awkward, not least because the daughter was off living her own life and didn't want to attend weddings/christenings/engagement parties of people she'd never met and was unlikely to have much to do with. So there'd be a big fuss that the DD wasn't invited to the wedding, everyone would rearrange to enable her to come (without the DD's knowledge) then the DD once invited would politely decline as she had other plans (and didn't want to go).

If it bothers you, and it clearly does, I would ask DP to ask his mum if it is OK if you bring your mum along. Then if MIL doesn't want mum there, she can say no to DP without involving you. It would be difficult for her to say no to you, if you ask her direct.

Are you certain your mum would want to go? I am not sure I would!

In the end how many people would be invited if everyone's ILs were also invited.

I do have one aunt, who has many children most of whom live abroad, who would invite the lot and take it in her stride - but actually, she lives in a massive house with acres of grounds and bijou little outhouses whichwereonce cattle stalls etc but now are lovely little cottages, and all her dds and dils would muck in with the catering and clearing up and so on.

Unless you have a family hone like that and a dynamic like that then ILs of dils and sils is a step too far, really.

I'm not really seeing any issue here unless I'm missing some huge back story 🤷🏼‍♀️

Did she invite the girlfriends mother then? If not, why would she invite yours?

Does your Mum invite your in laws to every social event she hosts?

I think YABU.

I think it would be a lovely thing for your mil to do. Why not? Don't understand why people tbink it's odd. 2 mothers whose 2 kids got married to each other

I’ve been married 20 years and neither my Mum or MIL have invited the other to anything ever. If you really want your Mum to come, then just ask. She’ll probably be fine about it if it’s a buffet.

YABU. Why would they invite your mother to that? MIL is hosting a buffet for her family; your mother is not her family.

Now, for many years it was mum and me against the world so I do take things to heart on her behalf.
OP, I'm envious of your relationship with your DM. But I think that the above reads as though you believe you and your DM 'come as a package'. And that's not how it works once your in an adult relationship.

My mum and my mil get along very well and live relatively near to each other, but would never dream of inviting the other to a family event such as you’ve described. If my mum was staying with me and would be left alone during the party then I might ask, but otherwise it wouldn’t even enter my mind that she would be invited.

I really don’t think there’s an issue here, sorry.

It would not occur to me to invite your Mum if I were you MIL - its a family event for her family

Is your partner's brother's girlfriend's mum invited? (Can't believe I just typed that!). Because surely she is the same 'relationship' to your MIL as your mum is, so I can see why it would rankle if she is and your mum isn't.

YABU and weird!

Eh? Why should MIL invite your DM to her party?

Does your DM invite MIL to every gathering she has?

It wouldn't occur to me to do this - YABU and a bit weird.

WTF I can't believe you would expect her to be invited tbh!!

Why would her sons gfs mum be of any interest to the new girlfriend?!

I do actually get you, having come from being myself and my mom and nan every Christmas. If and when something happens with my nan I will want my mom down at my PIL with us. Not gonna let her spend Christmas all alone. So I do get it. Equally I'd just ask if she can come along