Is it ever justified to walk away from a child as a parent?

[disgustedandsad]

My situation is that DS father has chosen to. They had a relationship. DS father cut it and has walked away.

DS hasn't done anything wrong so I don't mean cases where adult offspring commit crimes or are addicts and parents cut contact because of specific reasons with the child. I also don't mean cases where parents are unable to cope and give up children in the hope they'll have a better life as they're incapable of providing adequate parenting.

I am completely blamed for the situation by his father. I thoroughly disagree and have evidence I have repeatedly tried to facilitate contact. There's no parental alienation etc and no barrier such as his father being imprisoned or abroad

Is there any circumstances where you are able to justify a parent cutting an innocent child off from a relationship with them when they previously had one?

I have a long email where he attempts to do so and dispute every word of it. Yet... some people do this and he clearly feels it's RIGHT to do and lists his reasons (I believe that virtually all of it is untrue and could challenge and prove it but I'm interested since he believes it if they get listed and supported as valid)

So what circumstances is it justified in? If any?

Won't go into any more specifics of our situation... would appreciate replies if they can in any way help me to understand and let go of feeling so disgusted by this before I even begin to work out the future from here

No its not justified. He sounds like a shitbag

I think it is justified in circumstances where further contact would be detrimental to the child, yes.

BarbarianMum

What would lead a parent to decide having future contact would be detrimental to a child if they sought it?

(Not a reason I've been given btw)

Wondering if I got so little replies because nobody can think of any or if I just posted at a bad time or worded it hard to understand

I think it’s a surprisingly common thing amongst men, sadly.

(Yeah yeah, NAMALT).

It is really common sadly. And every man who does it has his reasons

But are any of them justifiable, ever?

Only if the parent has such huge issues (alcohol, drugs, mental health) that they are causing harm to their child and walking away is the more responsible thing to do.
Otherwise, no

I don’t think there are any justifiable reasons. I do understand that at times children are alienated against parents and one parent gives up because the other repeatedly doesn’t allow contact/doesn’t comply with court orders etc. I work in Children’s services and I know that it can happen but it is very few and far between. Personally I’d see my child in a supervised contact centre for 2 hours every week (or whatever) if it meant I could see them so even in those circumstances and I’d gonna I to court as many times as I had to so I don’t really think it’s ever justified.

I think even if the parent has terrible problems there are no excuses for stopping all contact.

I have spent hours trying to justify why my ex does not think DD is worth a moment of his time but his older daughter is. The only thing that does is upset me.
He’s a shit bag and there’s nothing else to it.

... what reasons are we talking about here?

I think even if the parent has terrible problems there are no excuses for stopping all contact

Believe me, sometimes contact is more harmful than no contact

@Kissel similar here. ExH sees his son a lot but saw our daughter twice after she was born and never again. I think it’s mostly because his son is in his late teens and requires very little in comparison to a baby.

Nope never. It's a cop out and barring the reasons you have given there is no justifying it. Let me guess, he's blamed you for poisoning the child against her or creating a divide in some way? If so thats the typical excuse they all pull to justify shitty patenting. If we all buggered off at the slightest attitude from our kids then they would all be in foster care by 9+. Kids don't always like their parents, mine don't me! But I love them with every fibre of my being regardless, that's what's usually lacking in parents that drop their kids for no good reason.

I know of someone (a mother) who walked away because the custody battle with the Dad was making her mentally unwell, so much so that she attempted suicide several times. She now lives in another country and has occasional phone calls with the child. She seems safer but is deeply sad.

We can all give anecdotal stories, and we only have one side of this situation, from you, which is all shrouded in mystery.

So my anecdote (the very short version) DH friend (J) was married to (C). C became an alcohol and prescription addict after an accident and as a result was really quite vile (I witnessed several incidents in restaurants towards waiting staff). C and J split up, C took L, the daughter then aged 8 and poisoned her mind against J, refused access, made life very difficult.

J continued to send L cards, presents, etc, all returned unopened. J always paid over and above child and spousal maint, C also retained the house. After 20 years L sought out J, created a relationship, said she'd fallen out with C, really laid a guilt trip on J. L used his vulnerability, and absent father guilt to fleece him, and copy all his bank statements etc, which she then gave to C for yet another attempt to extort more money (L was 28 by this time) . There never had been a relationship breakdown. C had so poisoned L against her father she was willing to do this for C.

J no longer acknowledges L.

I think J's final actions are understandable. L is so brainwashed by C, she would never acknowledge this.

Depends if it's "Ooh, I'm not good enough for him/her, they deserve better, I'm unreliable, wah wah wah" and "I run the local drug-dealing gang".

No nobody has listed his reasons

I don't want to turn it into a guessing game or go into more detail

Was just interested if any would think the same as what he believes and if it justified it, so far it seems not- yet in reality there are people who must be validating the way he thinks around him

Also not our situation but I feel that one parent can justify stopping contact (I haven't) if the other parent is damaging to stay in contact such as abuse, drugs, crime etc and child is endangered ... but nobody can justify walking away unless they have been told in court there is zero chance at contact and it's harmful to the child to persue it. The only people I can think of who are told that are really dangerous people- even people who commit murder get access sometimes

It’s very common. It doesn’t even surprise me.

No, he's just a shit from the sounds of it.

The closest I can think of to justifiable is a case like my friend. She has schizophrenia. It's controlled, but has been bad, and she could get worse again. She's been hospitalised for months in the past. In her culture it is (even more) highly stigmatising. Her ex-h said that either she walks away, or he does. He doesn't want to share parenting with a schizophrenic.

So she agreed to go very low contact, as her preference was for her kids to hold onto the stability of their Dad. (Who is a dick imho, but seems to love the kids and take good care of them, along with his new wife).

My mother cut me out when I was in my early 40s.

No argument beforehand

Literally got ghosted by my own mother

I only know she is still alive as my Dad still rings, but he has to ring in secret, when he is out or something, almost like im the other woman

It is heartbreaking. Literally gave me months of panic attacks trying to work out why she would not speak to me

Then I realised...I'll probably never know, other than the suspicion she has always had diagnosed mental health issues

My mother, over time, before ghosting me, had done the same to her own mother, her sister, her brother, and her own (other) daughter / my sister

So I guess its fairly normal behaviour

Id never go back, its been several years now. Every christmas I recieve card handwritten by Dad saying 'love mum and dad' and if i forget her birthday or mothers day, i get a bollocking from dad...even though mother has not spoke to me in years

Go figure. Im expected to send mothers day cards to a woman who wouldn't answer the phone to me

I know the reason my mother cut my sister out was because sister has a serious mental health issue. Ongoing and lifelong

Mother could not / would not assist in any way and chose to walk out of her own daughters life. including 2 grandkids

It never stopped her throwing judgement of what a shit parent her own daughter was or slagging her off at every possible opportunity

To make it all the more laughable, my mother was, before retirement - (and at the time she cut off my sister) a highly paid high ranking health professional.

She would happily look after strangers, but when it came to her own family she wouldn't piss on them if they needed help

It is common but your story sounds more complicated and I’m sure you could explain more about it without being too identifiable in order to get specific advice.

You don’t say why he emailed with his reasons or why he’s blaming you, even if you don’t want to say what he said. It’s not what someone who’d simply decides to bail would do. He could walk away without a backward glance, awful, but people do it. Saying you don’t think what he says is true is interesting. You both have different versions of events but he’s still engaging with you, trying to explain how he’s got to this point, and you’re asking strangers whether you or he is right.

I know someone who’s ex walked away from their then 8 year old son because he was “sick of that kids selfish attitude” I was shocked and disgusted because I couldn’t imagine doing that as no other decent parent would either but it’s no worse than those who refuse to pay child support.

In answer to your question OP no it’s never ok to walk away from your child. I know/know of several parents that have not just my friends situation mentioned above. All but one are men who have done it. I wonder if it’s easier for them to somehow? And why?

My dad has chronic back pain. Lots of operations, medication, injections etc.
For my whole life he has abused, lied, manipulated and bullied. For 35 years I have been told by him and others I need to excuse his negative behaviour because he is in a lot of pain. Police would be called to domestic violence situations at our home and the chronic pain was always offered and accepted as an excuse.

I wish he had walked away from me as a child.

Funnily enough despite the chronic pain he was able to work full time in a job on his feet all day, he never sought to find a sitting down job and didn't retire a day earlier than 65. So that was convenient.

No I don't, and I can't stand to see adults punishing children because of their hatred for their ExP. Grown adults who cannot even manage email contact for the sake of arranging to parent their own children.

A child being kept from a parent because the parent is unfit is one thing, but when adults give up because it's "too hard", to reach a compromise; I find that quite unacceptable.