Is it ever justified to walk away from a child as a parent?

[disgustedandsad]

My situation is that DS father has chosen to. They had a relationship. DS father cut it and has walked away.

DS hasn't done anything wrong so I don't mean cases where adult offspring commit crimes or are addicts and parents cut contact because of specific reasons with the child. I also don't mean cases where parents are unable to cope and give up children in the hope they'll have a better life as they're incapable of providing adequate parenting.

I am completely blamed for the situation by his father. I thoroughly disagree and have evidence I have repeatedly tried to facilitate contact. There's no parental alienation etc and no barrier such as his father being imprisoned or abroad

Is there any circumstances where you are able to justify a parent cutting an innocent child off from a relationship with them when they previously had one?

I have a long email where he attempts to do so and dispute every word of it. Yet... some people do this and he clearly feels it's RIGHT to do and lists his reasons (I believe that virtually all of it is untrue and could challenge and prove it but I'm interested since he believes it if they get listed and supported as valid)

So what circumstances is it justified in? If any?

Won't go into any more specifics of our situation... would appreciate replies if they can in any way help me to understand and let go of feeling so disgusted by this before I even begin to work out the future from here

@QueenoftheNights

Firstly yes I was married and the child had a relationship with the father for the first 5 years if it really matters to you

It shouldn't. ONS or not shouldn't justify walking away from a child. Don't have sex if you don't want children... being married or not shouldn't be a justification either

I haven't posted the reasons because I've had a few MN thread over years about this man... and I would probably get lots of flowers and well wishes if I went into detail and completely miss what I hoped to try and make sense of

I simply wanted to find out IF any of it was true - would it then be a justification for anyone other than this man

Seems those for whom it is don't post on mumsnet

Or if he were to find out later on that the child wasn't his, then I guess it's also ok to walk away.

There's no mistaking the child is his - fertility treatment

I think the problem is there are complex issues between some couples and that I agree with the poster who described this post as a bit shady.

Just for example, I have no doubt that my DP’s ex would write a post very similar to yours. Ignoring the fact that she is a very nasty aggressive and abusive woman who has threatened him, his new partner (me) and his new baby, attacked and me, and has done countless other things.

Conversely to her behaviour IRL, she is very vocal about how awful we are, how much of a wonderful mother she is, and that she has “proof” that she has tried (after 4 years of being absolutely adamant that my DP would not see his son if he had a new partner) to “facilitate contact” but has in reality made he situation so unbearable that it’s a hugely toxic environment for everyone, with young children stuck in the middle and used as a pawn in power play.

I’m sure there are lots of men who are the classic irresponsible dads. But for a dad who has a relationship already with his child, I’d be very surprised if he has truly up and left completely indifferently.

This post is going to sound very callous.

As a child (and now as an adult) I wish my father had cut contact and never had a relationship with me of any type.
When he passed I felt absolute relief.

I think it would have been completely justifiable had he said he couldn’t longer be in my life but he was far too selfish to do that.

He wanted to have a relationship with me but was completely incapable of acting as a parent or even putting aside his shitty behaviour so instead he forced contact occasionally and made me utterly miserable and also made him more ‘woe is me’ as he realised how incapable he was as a person.

It may be hard for your DC now but as long as you can ensure they feel loved and wanted by you and any other extended family then honestly it will be better than having a relationship with someone who’s heart isn’t in it, although in your case it does sound very much like his father is a selfish shit who is using the child as a weapon to have power over you.

Queen if you think parents being married is a factor in weighing up whether a father is justified in walking away, then that only speaks volumes about you and your prejudices. Not acceptable if OP's relationship meets your standards, but fine if the child is 'the result of a one night stand'. Also odd of you to pluck things out of thin air when you don't know any facts. I always wonder why people tie themselves up in knots and speculate, just so they can go against the grain.

'OP must be doing things the man doesn't approve of'

For the record- never attacked or threatened anyone, never said if he had a new relationship they couldn't be part of DS life

I'm going to just get attacked whatever- my crime was being a victim of abuse and leaving. For this I am apparently a liar and actually the abuser myself.

Despite myself not wanting a relationship, I did try to ensure DS was able to continue his and DS is refused

Apparently if I hadn't opened my mouth my DS would have a father still

Was an awful husband but not a completely terrible father prior to me leaving

Ah, so this is all about punishing you.

He doesn’t want to hurt his child per se, but if hurting his child in turn hurts you, then it’s worth it?

Disgusted you've done everything in your power to try and do right by your child despite the circumstances.
This is just another form of abuse/gaslighting to get under your skin, have you question yourself. It's no use responding to him or correcting him as in his eyes he isn't wrong and you'll just be further fitting into his narrative where you're deluded, the wrongdoer, crazy ect...the more you give, the more 'proof' he has to think badly of you rather than himself. Waste of your time and energy trying to understand an abusive man.

'If I hadn't opened my mouth, DS would have a father still'

See, he doesn't even make sense. He's the one choosing not to see his son. He's just being manipulative, unless he genuinely can't divorce the concept of being in a relationship with you and that of being a parent.

You cannot get a concrete yes or no as people will always see things differently.

This post seems very one sided. My experience is that the “truth” is often complex and often, perhaps at a deeper, even unconscious level, does make sense.

I think even if the parent has terrible problems there are no excuses for stopping all contact

Could not disagree with this post more.

This is just another attempt to abuse and punish you OP. In the long run your DS will probably be better off.

it's not you it's him. If he loved his child he would want to take care of them, simple as that.
He sounds emotionally abusive, you are probably better away.

My cousins husband walked away from his two (young) children after falling into arguments with their mother over contact.

I have no respect for him and don't see how my cousin can have.

He tries to justify himself by saying his ex was making things far too difficult and not complying with reasonable contact arrangements, so he might as well walk away and let them make their own minds up in time.

It was a get out of jail free card IMO, if he was at all bothered about seeing them he'd have taken her to court.

Some are just dead beats who take the easy way out and it's convenient for them to lay the blame at the mothers door, completely overlooking the fact that the children are individuals and not 'just' an extension of a past relationship.

@QueenoftheNights I'm actually acquainted with adult children plus men who have had a child through a one night stand. The children have a close relationship with their fathers who in some cases have gone to court to get contact. Some people regardless of sex are able to see their relationship with their child is separate from their relationship with their former partner/fb.

As horrible as it is, you’ve done your best and long term it’s probably better that your DS doesn’t have contact with someone who abused you. I don’t understand how some men can turn their back on their children, but it’s not that uncommon, especially when they meet someone new.

In my experience, my ex's new wife couldn't handle the fact he had children with someone else. So much so, her jealousy resulted in him dwindling contact with our DC over time to zero.
When ex and wife eventually divorced, it all came out as to how she used to fly into rages at the mere mention of wanting to spend time with his dc's, after she got the ring on her finger that is.

Ex has tried to re establish a relationship with our dc's after ten years of no contact, and he can't understand why they don't want to know him.
Maybe he should've thought about that when he allowed himself to be put under the thumb by a complete bitch.

@BlancheM

You are right, it does say a lot about me. I am old fashioned and actually believe- and research backs me up- that marriage is the best foundation for a child to be brought up in. Feel free to poo-poo that if you wish, it doesn't bother me one jot.

The reason I asked the other questions was not to judge, but to have some context.

I have said that imo a parent should not walk away from a child. But this thread is so one sided- we've been given nothing by the OP till very late on - that it was impossible to make a fair comment. We could only ask questions to try to get a fuller picture.

Asking questions doesn't imply criticism! They are questions to help us try to uderstand what's gone on.

Well there you go. Now you can judge her as at fault and the man justified, as they aren't married.
Every single thread on here is one-sided, they are all written by one person. Either take the OP in good faith and give some support on the facts given, or find another one.

You have avoided giving enough detail for us to give an informed response. You've hinted at things, suggested about abuse, bad husband but great dad, he believes you've wrongly accused him of something. It all sounds a bit meh.
Something has seriously gone wrong if he won't see the child who was conceived through fertility treatment therefore one assumes was desperately wanted. But as you won't tell us, we can only guess.
If you want informed opinions, then you need to actually give us the timeline of events that has led to this situation occurring.

I'm stunned by the number of posters who suddenly find themselves incapable of having an opinion without all the details. Doesn't usually stop us.

But it might just be a little bit kinder to the OP to answer her bloody question.

Meanwhile, as has been discussed, thus is entirely normal when leaving a dv situation. If they can't have you, they'll make you pay.

Oh, and as for being more invested if they've gone through fertility treatment? Don't make me laugh. One unpleasant DH I know waited til ivf baby was 6 months old to state "I don't think I'm really ready for this whole 'family' thing".

If people step away because they feel they it is for the good of the child that is one thing, or they are unable to parent as you said in your OP eg have MH problems that affect their decision making or because of extreme behaviour of the child, but it is hard to imagine other scenarios that are justifiable. Selfishness or laziness could never be however it is dressed up.

Given that he seems to have been a total shit to you already OP, this seems to be just another part of the horrible person that he is. Some people will say anything to stop them feeling any guilt or responsibility, and this often comes with the added benefit (to them) of blaming and hurting someone else in the process.

It is somehow always shocking how low some people can go, but I think you need to be prepared that he will always act in ways that you and other people find unacceptable.

Perhaps it will be best for your child in the long run to not have contact, though it can be hard for the child to understand of course.

No I dont think its ever ok. my ex walked away from our 4 kids and hasnt seen them in a year, he has met his 18m old daughter 3 times. his excuse? mental health problems, i dont think its an excuse at all, he should be getting help for it but refuses to believe he is mentally unwell so choses not to see them instead, oh and he doesnt pay for them either but thats another story 🙄

I'm always surprised that anyone gives any credibility to the whole 'my ex is crazy- she's turning the children against me and making contact impossible' schtick. If I thought my ex was mentally and emotionally abusing my children by undermining their relationship with their other parent, I'd be fucked if I'd just give up and leave them to it!