Is it ever justified to walk away from a child as a parent?

[disgustedandsad]

My situation is that DS father has chosen to. They had a relationship. DS father cut it and has walked away.

DS hasn't done anything wrong so I don't mean cases where adult offspring commit crimes or are addicts and parents cut contact because of specific reasons with the child. I also don't mean cases where parents are unable to cope and give up children in the hope they'll have a better life as they're incapable of providing adequate parenting.

I am completely blamed for the situation by his father. I thoroughly disagree and have evidence I have repeatedly tried to facilitate contact. There's no parental alienation etc and no barrier such as his father being imprisoned or abroad

Is there any circumstances where you are able to justify a parent cutting an innocent child off from a relationship with them when they previously had one?

I have a long email where he attempts to do so and dispute every word of it. Yet... some people do this and he clearly feels it's RIGHT to do and lists his reasons (I believe that virtually all of it is untrue and could challenge and prove it but I'm interested since he believes it if they get listed and supported as valid)

So what circumstances is it justified in? If any?

Won't go into any more specifics of our situation... would appreciate replies if they can in any way help me to understand and let go of feeling so disgusted by this before I even begin to work out the future from here

DH’s DF did this. At the time though (70’s) that he had gone off with an OW meant that MIL honestly believed him to have no moral compass, and for OW to be a corrupting influence. MIL never stopped FIL from seeing DH but I think the atmosphere became so toxic he couldn’t handle it.

DH and FIL fully reconciled when DH was in his 20s, but I think they are both still wary of each other.

As a child I was rejected by both parents because of their selfishness and the damage of no contact at all is irriversable.

No contact is rarely justified, and 'reasons' for no contact are self-protective selfishness of the worst degree. It doesn't have to be all or nothing - surely the father could do something - cards, letters, honestly, any connection is better than silence.

@AnneLovesGilbert no I'm not asking who is right I'm wondering even if it was true (it isn't) anybody can see it as valid and justifiable

Nobody has on mumsnet

Many men need little justification because although they may love them, many men aren’t that bothered about having kids in the first place.

I’m pretty certain that if we were to ever split up DH would demand contact with DC, however, you notice I say ‘contact’ because as much as he loves them, I’m also pretty certain he wouldn’t demand to be the resident parent...

Many men would able to cope just fine if they’d never had kids.

I’ve seen several men leave all the hard work of the younger years to the ex then make attempts to hang out with their kids when they’re teens or take them to the pub when they’re older.

Your ex will rock up once your Ds’s voice breaks.

No, but some men will tie themselves up in knots trying to make themselves feel better about it, others won't bother. I don't think it's frowned upon enough to be honest. All the shit absent fathers I know of are never short of women who know they don't see their kids. Never short of friends to go out on the piss with ect

You are being very shady and coy here.
Without knowing the details, it's impossible to judge.

we don't even know how old your child is (unless I've missed that in your posts) OR if you are married or were to his father.

All of these are factors.

Overall, I think it is wrong for a parent to abandon a child.
BUT we only have your side here and very little of it at that.

We don't know how long the dad was in your son's life, if the child was planned, why you split up- so many questions.

The father could be depressed or having any number of MH issues and feel he cannot cope with being a dad to a child he doesn't live with (at the moment.)

If you want real value from comments, you need to be more open.

Some people are just lazy and selfish and don't want to put the work in as parents. Some people, post-separation, may think that (if the RP has a new partner) then they are surplus to requirements. Some may feel that their work is so all consuming that it would be better for the child just to forget about them. Sometimes, if there has been a long and bitter custody battle, the NRP may think that it's better to walk away and let the DC have some peace and stability.

In many cases, it would actually be better for the DC if the parent does try to continue contact, but that doesn't invariably mean that the parent who cuts contact is selfish or malicious - they might be well-intentioned but wrong.

Why do you think he’s explaining his views to you rather than just walking away?

No one can possibly assess his reasons without knowing them. People can share their experiences but all you’re saying is that none of them chime with what he’s saying so I doubt they’re very helpful to you.

So it could justify it depending on the reason we split up?

The length of time he was a parent?

The age of the child?

And whether I was married or not?

And if he has MH issues?

Still not his reasons but I find that quite a shocking view personally

Not unusual for men I'm afraid and the vast majority that do this are simply deadbeat fathers. It's a cop out.

The explanation is to blame and make me feel like shit and cast it at my door rather than take any responsibility himself

Simply put... suck it up, its all your fault I am rejecting our child

And of course I feel desperately sad despite my efforts DS is cut off now

People have explained throughout why MH issues are a possible reason and given moving examples. They’re not excuses but they’re the reasons given.

The age of the child may be a factor. 6 weeks old, 10, 19, 25 all very different things. Children need their parents no matter how old they are but the relationship will vary over time.

One thing that strikes me in all of this OP is that you are insisting you are right and cannot see another side. In your mind everything is black and white.

Well, it might be- but you aren't telling us are you? which makes me think there is a lot you are holding back because if we knew it all, we might not siding with you.

You yourself appear to lack empathy if you cannot imagine how someone with a MH issue may feel unable to be an active parent at any one time.

If your son and his dad had a good relationship and the dad has suddenly walked in and told you he's had enough, doesn't want to be a dad any more, then surely he has reasons for that?

If he has and you are not willing to share, we can't see the whole picture.

He could be going through a bad patch and feel overwhelmed OR he may simply not LIKE his son. It can happen.

We don't know enough- has he said he never wants to see him ever again?
I

the explanation is to blame and make me feel like shit and cast it at my door rather than take any responsibility himself

so what is he blaming you for?

This sounds as if your child is the scapegoat- you and his father are at loggerheads over something- they way you bring him up maybe and he doesn't agree??? - and his way of resolving that is to walk away from your son.

How long have you been apart, how much contact did he have, how old is your son, and why is your relationship with him so bad?

If you and the father have very different styles of parenting (good cop/bad cop..whatever) it may be creating a lot of confusion in your son.

If for example you are very lenient and he is more of a disciplinarian, your son could be confused and hard to be with (when he sees his dad.)

If you have different ways of behaving, different values, he may feel anything he does with your son is undone when your son is back with you (assuming you have the lion's share of his parenting.)

Is this at all possible?

It's not a reason for him to walk away, but it's possibly why he feels he cannot cope in the current circs.

One of DH’s uncles cut off contact with his DC when he got divorced. Oldest DC was about 6 or 7 at the time. They’d be in their 40’s now.

When he spoke about it, the uncle claimed that no contact was best as it would have been too confusing for his DC to go from living with him to only seeing him part of the time.
The uncle said he was very sad about not having contact with his DC, but hasn’t bothered doing as much as sending Christmas cards since the divorce. Because that would be too confusing for the DC.
He said it’s up to the DC to get in touch with him if they want contact, and said how terrible it was for him that they’ve not bothered trying to get in touch with him - choosing to completely ignore the points that he abandoned them as small children, and has made no attempts to contact them in the 30+ years since, so why on earth would they think he’s the slightest bit interested in a relationship with them?

But the uncle genuinely seems to have convinced himself that he’s the victim in all this.

My dad walked away from me when my parents divorced, I was 15 when it happened and it still hurts like hell. Op your ex sounds like a horrible person and your dc will be better off without them.

I think it’s a surprisingly common thing amongst men, sadly

More common than you’d think amongst women too. I work in social care and the amount of women who just turn round when the kid gets difficult and say I can’t do anything with him/her, i want them out of the house and don’t bring them back.

@unfinishedkitchen i think you are very wrong. My dad was desperate for kids, as was my bil, much more so than my mum and sister who just weren’t bothered. When dh divorced his first wife he sought main residence, but was told by a lawyer than he had no chance unless he could prove she was unfit (drink, drugs etc), even though they both worked full time and did equal childcare. I think most men know that the woman will get residence in court so don’t even bother. Parenting is heavily weighted toward women and many people even told dh he would be wrong to try and “take them off” their mum.

I knew a situation when husband suspected that his wife was cheating, so he divorced and didn’t contact ex wife and child at all. He said that the child’s not his, paid child maintenance though. It was about 25 years ago before tests became widely available.
I also knew a few situations when dads were not bothered at all with kids after divorce, just moved away and that’s it. Some of them had problems with alcohol but not all. I think men have tendency to associate kids with former wife whereas for woman kids are always her kids.

Queen I don't know how you can say OP has a lack of empathy after some of your posts. E.g., how would OP's marital status in regards to the father be a factor?

I would respond and be as factual as possible why you refute it (point by point but positive and as unblaming)and offering contact and giving him to option to contact you x,y and z email mobile address etc. So that if needed he can't play the card 'Here is the email I sent your mother' -she didn't deny it so it was true card.

I think one reason why men walk out is because they dint feel responsible. In their mind, the responsibility for the child is kn the mother’s shoulders. Not theirs.
Add the fact it requires effort to look after a child you see irregularly (harder work as yu dint know them)...

Is that OK? Probably nit but it’s what society has been telling them.

Nope never ever justified in my eyes, even if child has commited crimes etc. If your parents can't be there for you no matter what who can? Parents love should be unconditional. Having said that I think a lot of Dads find it easier than Mums to walk away.

. E.g., how would OP's marital status in regards to the father be a factor?

Because it is a factor

Parents who are not married statistically, break up more than parents living together. We don't know if the child is the result of a one night stand or a 25 yr old marriage/ partnership. It can make a difference.

In my opinion this is not about the child at all.

It's about whatever is going on between the OP and her DH. The child is a pawn and the DH is using him as such.

The implication is that the OP is doing things her ex doesn't approve of re. the way she is bringing up their child.

That doesn't mean he should disown the child, but in a fit of pique he may have said he wants nothing to do with either of them while she continues to behave in ways he doesn't agree with.

The fact she won't go into details seems rather odd.

More info is needed. For instance, if he was tricked into having the child (tampered condoms, whatever) then I wouldn't blame him for not wanting to get involved. Probably not very likely scenario but you're not telling us so who knows.