Friend announced pregnancy day of my ERPC. Both babies due the same day!

[TFD2016]

Hi all, my first time posting on Mumsnet but are feeling quite hormonal and very upset and want to know if it’s hormones or if this person was being completely insensitive. Sorry, it’s long!!

A woman I classed as a friend, & whom I have known over 15 years, & I, found out we were both pregnant with our second child a day after each other. We texted each other pics of our pregnancy tests the day we found out! Both of us due 31st May 2019. I ended up bleeding heavily at 6 weeks and spent weeks in and out of EPAS. At first it was a suspected ectopic pregnancy in my previous c section scar. After a week meeting many consultants it was decided it wasn’t in my scar and I was monitored for growth. Sadly after 3 weeks, the growth wasn’t enough and they diagnosed a missed miscarriage. The gestational sac was growing but no heartbeat was ever found, a very small fetal pole! I tried 2 rounds of failed medical management over a course of 2 weeks as I wasn’t miscarrying on my own and ended up with surgery 3 weeks later, at 12 weeks. My friend and I had been texting all the time & she was aware of everything. She texted 4 times the day of the ERPC but never once said she had her 12 week scan that day. I had previously asked her when it was and got a response of that week. My surgery was booked 2 weeks after the failed medical management so she had ample time to tell me. I am truly happy that she’s having a healthy pregnancy and her scan went well, but she decided to post her Facebook announcement whilst I was under general anaesthetic losing my baby who was due th same day. She knew I was in for surgery. I looked at Facebook once home around 9pm and it was the first thing I seen and it’s really devasted me. I’m feeling so low and wondering am I being unreasonable to have expected her to give me a heads up or hold her announcement off a day given we were both due the same day & she knew I was having surgery to end my pregnancy that day?! Only she and family knew I was pregnant and I’m feeling so upset that after losing my baby due the same day that she posted her announcement! Am I totally unreasonable and hormonal or was that completely insensitive?! Im struggling with my loss so finding it even more difficult! X

I should add, this happened yesterday so still very raw. She’s texted me today asking how I am today but I can’t get back to her as just so hurt! X

So so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself
It sounds like she has been a good friend, messaging you lots throughout. She's been there for you. You know she's having a baby so it wasn't an announcement as far as you were concerned, maybe that's what she was thinking. Me and one of my best friends were due around the same time but I lost my baby, it was so hard to see her experiencing all the things I wasn't. I really sympathise with will those feelings. But it sounds like your friend is a good friend and deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Just know that this will one day get easier but however you feel in the meantime is normal. Be gentle with yourself and your friend, at times like this we need all the support we can get xxxx

I’m sorry you’re going through this and I wish you well. In the nicest possible way, I think you’re understandably hormonal and overthinking it. She probably didn’t want to tell you about the scan trying to be sensitive to you.
I agree the timing could have been better but she doesn’t sound like she was trying to be insensitive. She’s checking on you so she clearly cares.

First of all, you need to be kind to yourself. You've just been through an awful experience.
I've been in your shoes... diagnosed ectopic pregnancy at 7 weeks, tried natural management but it didn't work so had surgery and lost my baby and my left tube at 8 weeks.
2 weeks later my SIL announced her pregnancy publicly.
It was like a stab in the heart but outwardly I had to smile and act like I was delighted. Every scan, every report back on how she was etc was excruciating. When she gave birth I broke my heart. But none of this was her fault.
Harsh as it seems, the world doesn't stop spinning when you experience a tragedy. In the kindest possible way, yabu to be angry at your friend. Yanbu to feel this way on the inside. ❤️

Oh love @TFD2016

Something similar happened to me a couple of years ago.

Failed medical management and then ERPC and a friend announced her pregnancy the day after my failed medical management and subsequent hemmorage. She knew I was actively miscarrying and only told me she was 6 weeks pregnant. I’m sure she could have waited another few weeks!!!

I absolutely know the feeling. It’s gut wrenching and just awful.

I hadn’t known my friend was pregnant and I cut her off completely. It just seemed like she’d gone out her way to be cruel. It’s slightly different in your case but please be kind to yourself. I could cry for you

If you need a virtual hug then don’t hesitate to PM me

I’m sorry for your loss but it is common to announce pregnancy after the scan. She has only done what hundreds of thousand of mums have done. She should be allowed this joy without feeling guilty because of your loss. It does sound like she has been there for you as best she can. And she also needs to limit the stress in her life right now.
I hope in time you can heal and not see this as a personal insult as it sounds like a friendship worth keeping.

I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks too, I’m so sorry for your loss, it really is devastating at the time and will always be with you but it will get easier with time.
Until I went through this it never occurred to me to be a bit more sensitive with others, I had a friend who had a few losses and I was never in her face when I was pregnant but looking back I wish I’d talked about it a bit less. She was amazing and took it in her stride but I bet she was sometimes upset. Until you’ve been there you really don’t understand how awful it is. I’m sure your friend doesn’t know what to say as she can’t make it better for you but she sounds like she’s listening and communicating with you as much as she can. I’d assume it was just bad timing and she’d be upset to know she’s made you sad. She sounds like a good friend so I’d try and get past this.
Good luck for the future

This girl also put a video on Facebook and Instagram announcing her pregnancy a week or so after she’d told me (and no one else)

It was so over the top and flamboyant that I just felt like she wasn’t a true friend

It’s ok to feel like you do. But please don’t share your feelings with your friend. She’s got every right to enjoy her pregnancy and she may have had her own personal reasons for wanting to share her news publicly on the 12 week mark, and not thereafter. Don’t make her walk on eggshells the rest of her pregnancy around you, as that’s not fair to her.

I'm sorry for your loss - I have had 3 miscarriages and two with the same circumstances as you. However she has every right to be excited about her baby. She's just had her first scan and is excited and really I don't see why she shouldn't post the news. Her pregnancy has nothing to do with your miscarriage - life is just shit sometimes

So sorry for your loss. I think maybe it was a little insenstive but I also think that it was just a horrible coincidence.

Also I dont think seeing it tomorrow or the next day is necessarily going to be any less of a kick in the teeth to you and maybe your friend realised this and decided that the best thing to do would be just to announce the news as she would have done anyway. She almost seems to have compartmentalised them - the being a supportive friend to you and her own pregnancy and probably doesnt know how to deal with it either. Coupled with the fact only she knows perhaps she felt holding off on the information would draw attention to the fact she did it for a reason.

Be gentle to both of you I think she seems a good friend who is trying to navigate a difficult and horrible situation as best she can as our you

I’m sorry for your loss.

Your friend sounds like she really had no intention of upsetting you. She was in constant contact it seems. She also gave you a vague answer when asked about the scan. That struck me as someone who either didn’t want the focus on her or was trying her best not to upset you as she knew the date. She seems like a good friend to me.

Maybe she didn’t think you’d see Facebook given the awful experience you were having.

I am gently suggesting to you that you congratulate her and let her enjoy this moment. I think from the sound of her she would do the same for you.

Wow what an arsehole.

I never would have done that. I would have held off for a while to save your feelings, she's not a good friend at all.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Oh OP you poor thing.

I think this would have been awful for you whether it was the same day or two days later - or any time soon really. So your friend (who was presumably waiting till after the scan) was not unreasonable.

Crap friend of the year award. She should have told you when her scan was. Sorry for your loss

I wonder if there would be any time that would be a good time for her to announce her pregnancy. It's so sad for you, but you can't deny her. She is clearly a good friend. Don't let your unhappiness destroy your friendship.

I wonder if there would be any time that would be a good

No time would brilliant, but there is a one time that is the shittiest and that's when she is waking up from her medical management.
That wouldn't be worse timing.
That's unforgivable.

Well I'm sorry but I think it's highly insensitive, if that had been me I'd have postponed it indefinitely but then not everyone thinks about things like that.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

Unfortunately your grief doesn't trump her happiness, and she has every right to announce it as and when she feels is the right time. However, had I been your friend I certainly would have not announced it at the same time as a close friend was going through medical management for a lost pregnancy. I completely understand why you are so upset about it and I do think your friend was thoughtless. I also think your friend would be distraught if she realised how upset you are as a result of her actions. I think she got caught up in the moment of seeing her baby at the scan and didn't think beyond that. It was thoughtless but not malicious.

I've lost two pregnancies, one of which resulted in medical management, and it's just the worst experience and takes time to recover from mentally. It makes it that little bit harder seeing pregnancy announcements on Facebook and I left social media for a month or so after my second miscarriage because i couldn't deal with seeing pregnancy and birth announcements. Do what you need to to recover, and if it means coming off social media or taking a step back from your friend then do so. Sending love

So sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like she has tried to be supportive. I think this was always going to hurt no matter what, every milestone will be a reminder for you, it's an awful situation. Maybe just distance yourself from social media for a bit and explain why. You are entitled to grieve but she is also allowed to feel excited about her own pregnancy without guilt.

Yes, but op had asked and if she had known would have braced herself.
It's going to be difficult but the friend was sparing her own feelings, op has to live with hers

Thank you all for responding! I purposely haven’t got back to her as I’m just so upset and don’t feel I’m thinking rationally. I don’t want to infringe on her happiness so are not saying anything, I did congratulate her Facebook post but not responding to messages, as just feel that this was so insensitive! I feel at rock bottom & to see that posted the day of my surgery losing my baby who was due the same day just devastated me!! I just don’t understand why she didn’t say?! Plus, if it was the other way around I’d never have done it to her!! We were “bump buddies”, all happy and excited about our pregnancies! She has had a previous miscarriage & knows only too well how difficult it is seeing other pregnant woman due the same time as you, so to see your friend posting about her baby, due the same day as yours, just feels insensitive to me! I’m so so upset & devastated that this seems to have made everything seem worse. I’m just trying to avoid talking to her as I don’t know what to say. I posted congrats to her post but can’t speak to her privately as I feel truly let down & just so upset! Thank you again for responding. I’m just so upset x

I sympathise, i really do, but you're taking this too personally.
She can't help what date her baby is due, or that it was the same date for you. She's been there for you as much as she can, but it's not fair to expect her to not cherish her own pregnancy.
12 weeks is seen by many as a relative safety point, she must have been bursting to tell like many other pregnant women are and is thankful her pregnancy is going well.
Honestly, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact her baby is going to have all the milestones when your baby would have. Finding out the sex, the actual birth, and all the future things like learning to walk, first word, first day of school.
Don't punish her for doing all the things many women, maybe that you yourself even, would have done, it's not her fault her baby is so far healthy and you lost yours.

I'm sorry OP and whilst she could have waited a few days or a week, it wasn't going to change how hurt you are and the fact her pregnancy is going to be a reminder of your lost pregnancy.

I had 2 friends due around the same time as me with my first pregnancy. I miscarried and they didn't. It was hard at the time but now they have 7yo's and my eldest is 6. I went to both of these children's first birthday with my newborn.

Be kind to yourself.