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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend announced pregnancy day of my ERPC. Both babies due the same day!

99 replies

TFD2016 · 28/11/2018 18:09

Hi all, my first time posting on Mumsnet but are feeling quite hormonal and very upset and want to know if it’s hormones or if this person was being completely insensitive. Sorry, it’s long!!

A woman I classed as a friend, & whom I have known over 15 years, & I, found out we were both pregnant with our second child a day after each other. We texted each other pics of our pregnancy tests the day we found out! Both of us due 31st May 2019. I ended up bleeding heavily at 6 weeks and spent weeks in and out of EPAS. At first it was a suspected ectopic pregnancy in my previous c section scar. After a week meeting many consultants it was decided it wasn’t in my scar and I was monitored for growth. Sadly after 3 weeks, the growth wasn’t enough and they diagnosed a missed miscarriage. The gestational sac was growing but no heartbeat was ever found, a very small fetal pole! I tried 2 rounds of failed medical management over a course of 2 weeks as I wasn’t miscarrying on my own and ended up with surgery 3 weeks later, at 12 weeks. My friend and I had been texting all the time & she was aware of everything. She texted 4 times the day of the ERPC but never once said she had her 12 week scan that day. I had previously asked her when it was and got a response of that week. My surgery was booked 2 weeks after the failed medical management so she had ample time to tell me. I am truly happy that she’s having a healthy pregnancy and her scan went well, but she decided to post her Facebook announcement whilst I was under general anaesthetic losing my baby who was due th same day. She knew I was in for surgery. I looked at Facebook once home around 9pm and it was the first thing I seen and it’s really devasted me. I’m feeling so low and wondering am I being unreasonable to have expected her to give me a heads up or hold her announcement off a day given we were both due the same day & she knew I was having surgery to end my pregnancy that day?! Only she and family knew I was pregnant and I’m feeling so upset that after losing my baby due the same day that she posted her announcement! Am I totally unreasonable and hormonal or was that completely insensitive?! Im struggling with my loss so finding it even more difficult! X

OP posts:

Original poster

TFD2016 · 28/11/2018 19:53

Just to clarify a point raised by a PP. I do not and have never said I would expect her to hide her pregnancy or joy. My question is only related to the announcement of her pregnancy the same day as I had an ERPC when we were both due the same day! I asked AIBU to think she should have been more sensitive and let me know beforehand or delayed the announcement as that’s what I would do! I fully expect to see 20 week scans, gender reveals etc and would never expect her to hide it! I feel that there could have been a bit more thought to what I was going through that day but that’s why I’m asking AIBU?? I’m suffering with the loss of my baby only yesterday so understandably hormonal so asking others opinions! I’d never have done it, but that’s just me. It seems the general consensus here is that it is unreasonably for me to think she should have told me and most would do the same as she did! X

OP posts:

Woooman · 28/11/2018 19:55

Thatonehurt, try reading my entire comment rather than just quoting one little section that doesn't sum up my whole message to the OP.

Original poster

TFD2016 · 28/11/2018 19:57

Carrieblu, this is what I would have done and think this is a much more sensitive approach! I would really have appreciated being told first. X

OP posts:

lucy101101 · 28/11/2018 19:57

I am so sorry for your loss. I do feel though that the announcement wasn't for you... you already knew. Yes it is painful, but I suspect it would have been at any point. I say this as someone who has been in a similar situation too.

M4J4 · 28/11/2018 19:58

I think you need to tell her you were hurt if there's any hope of this friendship surviving.

Shepherdspieisminging · 28/11/2018 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3timeslucky · 28/11/2018 19:59

I'm sorry for your loss.

Like others have said your friend does seem to be trying to do the right thing in being there for you. There could be any number of reasons why she announced her pregnancy at the time she did - maybe family members knew and were starting to tell people/other family who she felt should have heard it from her - you just can't tell what other things were going on in her life or head.

Yes the timing certainly feels awful for you and it must seem uncaring but when you put it in the context of her other behaviour I think you should let it go (easier said than done of course). It is going to be hard for both of you as her pregnancy progresses but good friends are worth holding on to.

Take care of yourself.

slutandslattern · 28/11/2018 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Celebelly · 28/11/2018 20:13

I wonder if she thought you wouldn't see it today or that it would fall down the feed, etc. because you had your procedure and wouldn't be around so much on social media, so actually thought it would be a good time to post it?

Serialweightwatcher · 28/11/2018 20:13

I am so sorry for your loss - so hard for you. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all - she should have considered your feelings and she could have waited - if she couldn't wait for a few days then she could at least have said she was planning to do it ... very insensitive of her

ReadMyLipss · 28/11/2018 20:15

I think the friend was pretty insensitive to announce her pregnancy on the day of the OP's ERPC. She knew when the procedure was and I think she should have been more considerate and not done it on that one single day when it would hurt the most.

Of course she's allowed to announce it however she wants and however loudly she wants to, but a good friend wouldn't do it like this.

Having said all this, I think we all get things wrong sometimes and get too immersed in our own lives, but you have to see how good a friend and supportive she was to you during your failed medical management and eventually forgive her.

ReadMyLipss · 28/11/2018 20:20

I forgot to say that I am so sorry for what you have gone through. It is utterly heartbreaking and shit to deal with.

I've had two miscarriages too and I don't think I'll ever forget the awful pain.

Allow yourself to grieve.

kitkatsky · 28/11/2018 20:27

I feel for you so much, BUT she was a good friend to you apart from slightly clumsy timing. You're entitled to be upset genuinely, but I wonder (more than a bit) if you'll be able to be friends with her now. You're understandably sensitive, but long term how will you manage new baby, first birthday etc?

For record I'm struggling to conceive DC2, so I think I'd feel same in some ways, but it's yours and my choice hoe we move forward with friends/ general population who find this stuff easier than us. My honest advice would be don't lose a friend over it 😢😢😢

Laiste · 28/11/2018 20:28

I have been in a situation where i was put on the spot surrounded by people when a preg announcement was made by someone who knew i had lost my own baby 2 weeks earlier. So i'm not unsympathetic OP.

However - this announcement was put on FB for people who didn't already know. OP already knew friend was pregnant. The exact scan date was a surprise, but friend probably felt it was best to keep quiet, have the scan and do her social media preg reveal and get it out of the way. As pp said she might have even hoped that this way you'd be feeling grogy and miss the update for yesterday altogether.

It went wrong but i don't think it was malicious or stupid. It's possiblee that in time you'll feel differently about this so don't burn your bridges OP

Delatron · 28/11/2018 20:31

So sorry for your loss OP.

I hate any announcement of pregnancies on social media so I’m with you that there was no need for her to post that on that day. Sure she could have started telling friends and family as is normal after the 12 week scan but what’s the desperate rush to announce it on Facebook? That was unnecessary.

I think she was just being clumsy though. And I think she didn’t tell you the scan date to protect you.

Having been through the awfulness of a miscarriage myself (and it sounds like your friend has too). 6 weeks was very early to be saying you were ‘bump buddies’. Neither of you knew what the outcome would be. I think early pregnancy testing can often be both a blessing and a curse.

Though maybe having been through this myself I am overly cautious. I didn’t even tell close friends until I’d had a positive scan with a heartbeat. To protect myself really as I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

I don’t think she was being intentionally mean, just thoughtless. I hope you can stay friends. Be kind to yourself.

WallisFrizz · 28/11/2018 20:31

I agree with the pp that said that she probably posted the announcement when she did because she would presume that you would not be on social media that day. She was probably TRYING to be considerate. Given the shared due dates, I doubt it would have been better for you even a few weeks later. You would have found it pretty devastating then too, maybe when you had just started to get over your own horrific experience?

Valasca · 28/11/2018 20:35

You knew yet 12 week date. But you still think she should’ve notified you first? So, you actually expected her NOT to announce it and if she did, you expected her to notify you first.

And after surgery, you jump on social media?

If this was a family member, I’d agree. But you are just friends. You don’t share that many common friends, do you?

H1dingInSight · 28/11/2018 20:38

I’m so sorry.

I’d not be at all surprised to hear that the friend’s hand was forced somehow - a family member about to post the scan photo or similar.

Original poster

TFD2016 · 28/11/2018 20:43

To Valasca, no I didn’t know her 12 week scan was on the day of my ERPC! I was 12 weeks when I had my ERPC and we shared the same due date. I knew the post would be soon & I was preparing for her to say! I never once thought she wouldn’t post!! I knew she would and would never stop her but given I was losing my baby that day, I thought she would have let me know so I could have avoided the additional upset.

After surgery I jump on social media?! Eh no!!! I had a bad reaction to the surgery as placement of the baby was at my c section scar! I had low blood pressure and was in agony that I was kept in for 5 hours post surgery. Only once home at 10pm, did I go on Facebook to message my friend in Australia!!! Your comments are harsh and unnecessary especially considering I just lost my baby!!! You’re comments are very unthoughtful!

OP posts:

OutPinked · 28/11/2018 20:45

I’m so so sorry for your loss . I experienced two missed miscarriages and subsequently two ERPCs last year so I completely understand how you are feeling right now. I also will confess to needing to block a woman that was due around the same time as I would have been, I just couldn’t bear seeing her pregnancy posts. One thing I would advise is taking as much time away from social media as you require and don’t feel bad about hiding triggering posts, it’s completely understandable.

I don’t think your friend meant any malice, she’s just an excited pregnant woman but it’s completely understandable why it hurt you. I would give the friendship a break for a while though, you need to work on healing.

TheChickenOfTruth · 28/11/2018 20:48

Also, she's not the only person involved in her pregnancy. I assume she has a partner and he has an equal say in when they announce it? Perhaps he didn't want to wait and she didn't feel like she could say no to the father of the child on something so important to him, arguably the biggest moment of his life so far. It's not all about the women.

Serialweightwatcher · 28/11/2018 20:52

Some people are so rude in the way they word their comments - this poor lady has been through massive loss and trauma .. if you don't agree with her, you could word it nicer instead of accusing and being downright rude!

TheChickenOfTruth · 28/11/2018 20:53

(Sorry, sent too soon)

I'm not judging at all, I think your feelings are valid and you know your friend better than any of us, and I'm very sorry for your loss.

I'm just thinking about other factors for the decision which might make some sense and offer some reason for thought later once you've allowed yourself to grieve and you feel able to think about things more logically and less emotionally.

Wishing you all the best.

crispysausagerolls · 28/11/2018 20:54

There is an option on fb to hide your post from someone - why she couldn’t hide it from the OP or just wait a bloody day is beyond me.

Laiste · 28/11/2018 20:55

It's very very early days OP. Give yourself time. And be good to yourself. Try to let go of the anger and hurt as much as you can right now - it will do you no good

I'm saying this in a friendly way. Maybe step away from this thread now and try and relax and lose yourself in a favorite program or music, chat with your partner or another friend

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