Friend announced pregnancy day of my ERPC. Both babies due the same day!

[TFD2016]

Hi all, my first time posting on Mumsnet but are feeling quite hormonal and very upset and want to know if it’s hormones or if this person was being completely insensitive. Sorry, it’s long!!

A woman I classed as a friend, & whom I have known over 15 years, & I, found out we were both pregnant with our second child a day after each other. We texted each other pics of our pregnancy tests the day we found out! Both of us due 31st May 2019. I ended up bleeding heavily at 6 weeks and spent weeks in and out of EPAS. At first it was a suspected ectopic pregnancy in my previous c section scar. After a week meeting many consultants it was decided it wasn’t in my scar and I was monitored for growth. Sadly after 3 weeks, the growth wasn’t enough and they diagnosed a missed miscarriage. The gestational sac was growing but no heartbeat was ever found, a very small fetal pole! I tried 2 rounds of failed medical management over a course of 2 weeks as I wasn’t miscarrying on my own and ended up with surgery 3 weeks later, at 12 weeks. My friend and I had been texting all the time & she was aware of everything. She texted 4 times the day of the ERPC but never once said she had her 12 week scan that day. I had previously asked her when it was and got a response of that week. My surgery was booked 2 weeks after the failed medical management so she had ample time to tell me. I am truly happy that she’s having a healthy pregnancy and her scan went well, but she decided to post her Facebook announcement whilst I was under general anaesthetic losing my baby who was due th same day. She knew I was in for surgery. I looked at Facebook once home around 9pm and it was the first thing I seen and it’s really devasted me. I’m feeling so low and wondering am I being unreasonable to have expected her to give me a heads up or hold her announcement off a day given we were both due the same day & she knew I was having surgery to end my pregnancy that day?! Only she and family knew I was pregnant and I’m feeling so upset that after losing my baby due the same day that she posted her announcement! Am I totally unreasonable and hormonal or was that completely insensitive?! Im struggling with my loss so finding it even more difficult! X

I'm sorry for your loss but you know you're being unreasonable, albeit understandably.

Be kind to yourself and to her.

All these things are true, op knows that but her friend ha stopped sharing. That's another loss. She doesn't have to rub ops nose in it but just to have informed her would soften the blow.
Perhaps your loss has made her revisit hers, perhaps she is missing the experience you would have had together.
Take some space op and look after yourself

I know it hurts, I have been where you are twice before but I don’t think she could have done anything else, she had her scan then she announced her pregnancy, If she had her scan tomorrow and announced it tomorrow then you would still be hurting.

Be kind to yourself, the anthestic made me feel spaced for a while, text her when you are feeling stronger

so sorry for your loss

I think she sounds like a good friend, one I'd hate you to lose over this. Sadly, every step of her pregnancy - and future special dates related to it - are going to be especially jarring for you. How could you not be upset? BUT, and I know this feels really bad, but it is her pregnancy and she is happy and excited. She can't help that, any more than you can help being so sad. It will maybe get easier in time, but maybe not.

Sending healing thoughts to your body and your heart today.

Sorry for your loss TFD2016

If i were you i would reply to her messages asking how you are with something like ''thank you for asking, feeling very down, sorry if i'm off the radar for a little while while i take some time to myself''. This will give you a little breathing space before you carry on (or not) with the usual friendship with her.

While it's not really for any of us here to judge her actions, it does sound like the hurt she caused was not intentional. The 12 week mark is a pretty traditional time to announce. How long would she have left it? Would it not have been worse/more pressure if you knew she was waiting for you to seem 'ok' somehow before she announced it?

I think the friend deliberately kept the scan date from OP with the best intentions. What a horrible coincidence for both appointments to fall on the same day.

Unfortunately your grief doesn't trump her happiness

Yes it does. For one day. A tiny 24 hours, yes it does.

Sorry for your loss

Perhaps she was just really excited as she had a miscarriage previously; what she did was insensitive but I'm just thinking maybe her 12 week scan was very significant to her due to the past miscarriage and so she wanted to share it?

So sorry for your loss. I also had a missed miscarriage and ERCP at 12 weeks. You will feel better, but take time to grieve. And you will never forget. Mine was 15years ago. I think your friend was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Did she not tell you when her scan was for fear of upsetting you?

I think it was incredibly insensitive and she could have waited a few days. I'm surprised how many people think she was in the right.

I'm sorry you are going through a really difficult time.

I wonder if your friend thought that announcing yesterday was a rational decision as a. It's a common time to announce a pregnancy b. You were immersed in what was happening and unlikely to see her announcement.

So few people go out of their way to be hurtful. It seems like she has been a real support to you over the last few weeks. At worst she might have misjudged what was a good time to tell people.

I'm very sorry for your loss, and you are very understandably feeling oversensitive at the moment. It's an unfortunate coincidence that your friend's pregnancy will be a reminder of yours, but honestly it sounds like she did her best to support you and not rub your nose in the fact she had her scan yesterday. YABU to expect her not to announce her pregnancy. I've had 4 miscarriages so I have plenty of experience of the green eyed monster, it is very hard to watch someone sail through pregnancy when you are grieving, and the same dates thing is particularly cruel, but that is not your friend's fault. You may need to take a step back from the friendship to protect yourself at the moment, I'm sure she will understand you will not want to participate in baby chatter, but I would not break a long friendship over this, it sounds like she is trying her best to consider your feelings.

I’m so sorry love.

If you guys have a strong relationship, bang out an email from the heart, saying what has been said here.

The truth is you guys are friends, she sounds like a decent one and this is one of life’s cruel and nasty twists that can blow people apart.

Tell her how you feel and that whilst you guys are happy that you might need time out to get your head round all this. How much time is too early to call.

Be candid. But with love x

Maybe she was thinking she would have to do it sooner not later else she couldn't do it at all as she knew you would be upset about having the procedure and she'd have to be focused on supporting you. Your hormones will be magnifying your upset and providing you with an outlet at the huge unfairness of it all, big hugs xx

Going against the grain here but I think your friend was really insensitive to announce on the same day you went in for surgery. Is it really so critical that she post on social media at precisely 12 weeks?! Surely it could have waited another week or two, and she could have sent you a quick message to give you a heads up which I'm sure you would have appreciated. It would still have been painful for you but even having a little time to heal may have helped. If I was in this situation I would be so aware of my friend's feelings and would make every effort not to upset her further.

Of course she had 'every right' to announce but sometimes it's nice to not be so wrapped up in ourselves and think of others. YANBU

I don’t want her to feel she shouldn’t be happy & can’t celebrate! Not at all & I don’t want her to feel down about this, hence not responding, but I feel she should have been more sensitive and let me know beforehand. I’ve went through 2 rounds of failed medical management with pessaries before ending up with surgery which was booked for 2 weeks after the failed medical management. That’s why I’m asking am I being unreasonable to think she should have gave me a heads up considering she knew everything & how bad I was?! I’d have spoke to her first, I definitely would. I feel that if she said to me she was going to post on Facebook that day, I could have avoided seeing that once home. I only wanted to message friends in Australia and that was the first thing I seen!! I am excited and happy for her, of course I am, but just feel that was insensitive. It’s not her fault her pregnancy is healthy but if it was the other way around, I wouldn’t have done it & would have spoke to her first. That’s just me though and we’re two different people. I’m emotional just now, absolutely devastated, so doing nothing to allow time to think rationally! Thank you all for replying and for your thoughts. This is so difficult xx

I am really sorry for your loss, but you are unfair to take it personally. Especially if she had lost a baby in the past, she probably spent the last 12 weeks worrying about her own baby, and couldn't wait to tell friends and family as soon as it felt safe.

It's horribly unfortunate, but a week or so wouldn't have made any difference for you. Don't follow her on facebook, but you can't expect her to hide because of your heartache, it's really not fair on her.

I don't think she's done it to be intentionally hurtful or as a deliberate slight. It doesn't make you feel any better about it, of course not, but it would have been hurtful at whatever stage she announced it. I mean this with utmost kindness but if not this, wouldn't it have been something else? It's only natural when we're hurting to look for something for that hurt to land on.

I agree with the suggestion above, go off radar for a bit and give yourself time to heal before making any decisions about the future of your friendship

I feel she should have been more sensitive and let me know beforehand.

She quite probably thought it would be insensitive to tell you, couldn't think of a way to phrase it that wouldn't potentially be upsetting for you, or decided the best way was to act normally and not make it a 'thing'. People don't always know how to act in these situations and what is nothing to one person can be upsetting for another, it really doesn't seem that there was malice intended.

I’ve been on the other side of this, where a close friend and I were due on the same day but she lost her baby at 11 weeks. At the time, I knew she was pregnant already but she didn’t know I was. A few days after she miscarried I had my first scan and then told her face to face about my pregnancy a couple of days later when I saw her. I would have rather held off for longer, but as we were going to start telling other people, I wanted her to hear it from me first.

I never announce my pregnancies on social media for a multitude of reasons. But if I had been your friend, I would have just held off for a couple of days.

My friend was able to, at least outwardly, be pleased for me and in return I tried to be considerate in not rubbing her face in it.

I’m sorry for your loss but it is common to announce pregnancy after the scan. She has only done what hundreds of thousand of mums have done. She should be allowed this joy without feeling guilty because of your loss. It does sound like she has been there for you as best she can.

^This

OP I can completely understand how you must feel. Others are saying that your friend has every right to celebrate her news BUT there is such a thing as empathy and tact, which in this instance I would have thought would take total precedence over her announcement. I’m not a fan of FB at all and announcing something so personal and still early on, doesn’t sit well with me anyway - unless it was posted to just close family and friends and not all ‘friends’.
Please take care of yourself, that’s the most important thing. It does sound like she has been a good friend - just a little thoughtless in this instance.

I can only imagine your friend thought it kinder to not say that she was having her scan the day you were booked in.

This is a terribly sad situation and it would be even sadder if you lost a friend over this as I think she was doing what she thought best.

See, if that was me I would not have posted at all. Especially not just then. Very callous.
Like lots of women I have had so many gynae problems, perhaps mine more severe than others, but it's all very traumatic..
I am so sorry for what you have been through.