Friend announced pregnancy day of my ERPC. Both babies due the same day!

[TFD2016]

Hi all, my first time posting on Mumsnet but are feeling quite hormonal and very upset and want to know if it’s hormones or if this person was being completely insensitive. Sorry, it’s long!!

A woman I classed as a friend, & whom I have known over 15 years, & I, found out we were both pregnant with our second child a day after each other. We texted each other pics of our pregnancy tests the day we found out! Both of us due 31st May 2019. I ended up bleeding heavily at 6 weeks and spent weeks in and out of EPAS. At first it was a suspected ectopic pregnancy in my previous c section scar. After a week meeting many consultants it was decided it wasn’t in my scar and I was monitored for growth. Sadly after 3 weeks, the growth wasn’t enough and they diagnosed a missed miscarriage. The gestational sac was growing but no heartbeat was ever found, a very small fetal pole! I tried 2 rounds of failed medical management over a course of 2 weeks as I wasn’t miscarrying on my own and ended up with surgery 3 weeks later, at 12 weeks. My friend and I had been texting all the time & she was aware of everything. She texted 4 times the day of the ERPC but never once said she had her 12 week scan that day. I had previously asked her when it was and got a response of that week. My surgery was booked 2 weeks after the failed medical management so she had ample time to tell me. I am truly happy that she’s having a healthy pregnancy and her scan went well, but she decided to post her Facebook announcement whilst I was under general anaesthetic losing my baby who was due th same day. She knew I was in for surgery. I looked at Facebook once home around 9pm and it was the first thing I seen and it’s really devasted me. I’m feeling so low and wondering am I being unreasonable to have expected her to give me a heads up or hold her announcement off a day given we were both due the same day & she knew I was having surgery to end my pregnancy that day?! Only she and family knew I was pregnant and I’m feeling so upset that after losing my baby due the same day that she posted her announcement! Am I totally unreasonable and hormonal or was that completely insensitive?! Im struggling with my loss so finding it even more difficult! X

You’re angry with a woman who has done nothing wrong. It’s understandable given what you have been through but if it’s otherwise a good friendship, don’t cut her off over it.

I am so sorry for your loss :-( I had a mc at 10+9, 2 failed MMC, the first utterly humiliating and traumatic and then an Evac (yuk - I hate that word). I know how horrible it all is. And I know that during times of grief and trauma it is easy for us to focus on things that annoy or upset us (may be to distract us from the real pain?) Your friend has felt the pain that you have and is most probably overwhelmed with emotion and relief and she wants to share with her family and loved ones. She is your friend, but is not your best friend so it may not have dawned on her that she should plan her announcement around events in your life. I hope that doesn't sound harsh as I'm sure she really cares about you and is really sad for you. Try not to focus on being angry or annoyed with other people. Right now is such a difficult time for you so take care and be kind to yourself. My heart really goes out to you. X

maybe she thought that you would not be on facebook today and decided to do it so you wouldnt see it and she wanted to avoid further hurt

I think you need to realise that there are no right or wrong ways in this simply different ways of dealing with it. She made a decision and by a terrible coincidence on top of a date coincidence it was there at the top of your feed when you look.

She didnt tell you the date to avoid hurting your feelings - she is trying OP with difficult circumstances and with that she and you might make some missteps and hurt feelings

BUT its clear that she is sympathetic and she is trying - I am not sure you could ask for more from a friend but your part is allowing her to make mistakes and forgive.

If you cant there is no future in this relationship

I'm sorry you're going through this op and it's harder with your friend being pregnant, I think though you're focusing all your upset about your loss on your friend. As you need something to be angry at.

She likely didn't tell you when her scan was due to the sensitivity, I think most people wouldn't want to say.

Her announcement on Facebook is normal, you already knew, so her holding off for a couple of days would have changed nothing, it probably didn't even occur to her, because it wasn't news to you so she won't have dreamed you'd see it and be upset.

Be kind to yourself, take some time, and don't focus on your friend, it sounds like she does try to support you and it must be difficult for her to tread the right path here,

Sometimes people do the wrong thing whilst trying to do the right thing. She may have not told you the exact date of the scan as she felt it was insensitive and may have posted her announcement that day, as another poster suggested, as she thought you would miss it.

Alternatively, she may just have been excited and dint think it through.

It sounds as though she has been a good and supportive friend, it doesn't sound as though she would intentionally hurt you.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Yes I can see how you would be very upset over this it’s so hard. My heart goes out to you xxx

@Valasca maybe a little on the rude side there??

“To Valasca, no I didn’t know her 12 week scan was on the day of my ERPC! I was 12 weeks when I had my ERPC and we shared the same due date.”

So... you were both “12 weeks” at the same time since you knew you had the same “due date.” She announced her pregnancy and your ERPC was scheduled on that day. You just wrote that you knew.

I’m sorry you find my comments harsh but you were on social media the day of your surgery - for whatever reasons.

Your world has shattered. I get it, I do. And so does she. She’s had miscarriages too.

So maybe when she was in your situation, she didn’t expect of others what you’re expecting of her.

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I've been there too. It's a horrible place. I don't agree that your friend has done anything wrong though and I hope when you're feeling better you can see that too. She's allowed to be happy - especially after she's gone through grief too. She has been a good friend to you but that goes both ways. You need to be a good friend to her too. I was due at the same time as a friend and she lost her baby. I will never ever forget how supportive and kind she was to me during my pregnancy. When I expressed amazement at things like her buying me a gift after my scan, she said the two things were totally unconnected, and that I didn't take away her baby, and at least one of us should be happy, and not let what had happened suck out the joy for both of us. I valued that and her so very much.

I’m sorry about what you’ve been through 💐

I do think your friend was very insensitive, you were ‘bump buddies’ no one else knew about your pregnancies and you were a ‘team’. In her situation I would have celebrated with my DH and not announced it on FB* until I’d spoken to you to see how today had gone and forewarn you I was going to post it on FB.

• I don’t ‘do’ Facebook anyway, but if I did...

However, she does sound like she’s a good friend. She didn’t do it maliciously, so I honestly think YOU will be better off genuinely forgiving her. Right now your hormones are racing around, don’t let them ruin a good friendship.

Yesterday, a friend said something very insensitive and it hurt, she really didn’t mean to hurt me and has no idea that she did. I’ve known her forever, I forgive her...totally. But it’s still going to hurt for a while.

People refer to a 12 week scan but screening can be done from 11+2 - 13+6. I don’t think the OP knew her friend had a scan the exact day of her ERPC, her friend on the other hand knew the days were the same.

I would have expected her to wait at least to the next day.

Valasca is blunt but correct. OP, take some time to yourself. Cocoon at home. Social Media can only magnify rage/sadness.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read this and to respond. It means a lot. I know myself I’m hormonal and grieving hence the reason I asked was I being unreasonable to have expected her to have forewarned me. I’m not angry at her in anyway and would not expect her to hide her pregnancy or any future announcements. I guess I just thought she’d have let me know to help protect me as it was the same day I lost my baby - I feel let down and upset, but not angry! I think time away from social media is definitely needed and are going to leave it a while before I say anything to her, if I say anything at all. It just hurts. Thank you again to everyone who gave me their time & responses! X

I think that if you hadn't known about her pregnancy, but she'd known about your loss, then yes, she should have given you some warning before the FB announcement. But since you did already know, I can see why she wouldn't have thought she needed to let you know beforehand.

Still a huge shock and upsetting for you, of course, OP, and it's completely understandable that you're upset. When you're grieving anyway, even small things seem massive.

🌷

I think you should reply to her messages though, just say you feel dreadful and very sad and need to curl up on your own for a bit. Just keep your replies brief and make some space for yourself without worrying her that you’re not coping, for her sake and yours.

I really am sorry you’re going through this 🌷

I don’t think you should even worry about whether or not you’re being unreasonable in the eyes of other people - you’ve been through a major trauma, and there’s no right or wrong way to react. I think as long as you try not to project those feelings onto other people, such as your friend, then you’re entitled to go through whatever emotions necessary. And if you need to talk, rant or cry, turn to your DP and family if you can and possibly think about getting some counselling.

@CarrieBlu, you’ve left a couple of really helpful & nice messages. Thank you. The way you treated your friend in a similar circumstance is how I thought my friend would have with me. It’s how I would have been if it was the other way around. You were very respsectful and sensitive of the situation. You sound like a lovely friend. Thank you again for responding. Going to take some time out. DH isn’t the most sensitive or emphatic of people, he just carries on as if nothing has happened, but I have sisters I’m close to and one who has been through loss in the TTC journey. Thank you again x

You’re welcome OP, I’m just very sorry that you’re going through this. Take time and look after yourself

Sure she could have started telling friends and family as is normal after the 12 week scan but what’s the desperate rush to announce it on Facebook?

Lots of people announce on Facebook as a well of telling all friends and family at once, rather than dealing with 'why did you tell so and so first' crap. Facebook is how I tell friends and family.

she's not the only person involved in her pregnancy. I assume she has a partner and he has an equal say in when they announce it?

I am genuinely amazed that you are the first poster to point this out! Especially with some posters claiming they would postpone announcing their pregnancy indefinitely!? Your DH would be on board with not telling his friends and family 'indefinitely' too?

The 8 weeks of waiting between finding out you are pregnant and the scan can feel a long time not to tell people as it is.

And I know the OP may not feel this, but I honestly think the announcement would have been gut punch whether they had delayed a few days or not.

OP it’s really difficult to know what to do in situations like that. If I were your friend I’d have probably avoided telling you in advance about my scan and upcoming announcement in an effort to be there for you on the day without making it about me and my pregnancy directly to you. I do empathize with how you’re feeling. I had a very late loss a few years ago and honestly it stings to see an announcement or celebration of a baby due the same time as yours no matter whether it’s the same day or a month later. for you and if she’s been a good friend to you (which it sounds like she has) I’d let this go. She will have only tried her best and unfortunately not made the decision you would’ve preferred.

I think your friend was very insensitive. I wouldn’t do this. Really shocked so many posters think what she did was fine. Of course she’s allowed to be happy and celebrate but really her actions show a lack of empathy and compassion; it would make me feel as though the messages to check on you were superficial and she wasn’t truly thinking of how you would be feeling. Actions speak louder than words.

I stand by my statement that it was incredibly insensitive because on social media you can block a friend from seeing a post, I do that with elderly relatives if I'm going to post something a bit rude. It's a simple thing to do and would have saved your feelings. I'd have been hurt too.

I was in a similar situation except I was the friend with the healthy and viable pregnancy. I had my baby on her due date. It must have been devastating. I have always tried to be incredibly sensitive to my friend. When announcing that my baby had arrived, I didn’t message our group chat with all our friends as I would have done as I didn’t want her to have to read the congratulatory messages. I was so conscious of not rubbing it her face. But it’s hard, a pregnancy is difficult to avoid sharing and discussing. She still needs to be able to experience the joy of her pregnancy without worrying about upsetting you.

I’ve never experienced a loss but it did take us a long time to conceive. I remember coming home and crying when a colleague, who’s a great friend of mine, told me she was pregnant. I was so, so happy for her but gutted for myself. The conception green-eyed monster is horrid and I can imagine it’s far worse with grief thrown into the mix. Try to be kind to yourself. Speak to your friend rather than let the resentment build.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss.

I don't think your friend did anything wrong though. I think you are very naturally so upset about what happened to you that you are genuinely and understandably overreacting.

Maybe snooze your friend on Facebook for 30 days and then see if you feel up to seeing her happy posts?