AIBU to refuse to sort DH family gifts at the last minute?

[MrsMiggel]

DH won’t let me buy gifts for his family because he doesn’t like my chosen gifts and wants to choose himself. Except he never gets round to actually buying anything. I remind him repeatedly, then a day or two beforehand he panics because he has no time left to order anything, and he asks me to drive miles to certain shops looking for gifts (which often aren’t what the person actually wants, it’s just a scrabble to get them something, anything).

This year I have baby DC and told him I will not be going out seeking gifts at the last minute. In October I sent him a list of gifts I’d chosen for his family and said I can order those or something else if he prefers, and if the gifts weren’t ordered by the end of October I was washing my hands of his family and he’d have to sort it himself. He said ok order those gifts.

Fast forward to BIL’s birthday tomorrow. DH is annoyed with me because apparently I rushed him into buying BIL’s gift and he doesn’t even remember what was bought. And he’s annoyed because the gift hasn’t been wrapped and given to BIL, even though he’s had ample opportunity because it’s been sitting there for a month.

DH has gone away on a business trip and won’t be back till next week. He’s known about this trip for months. This afternoon he called and asked me to wrap BIL’s gift, put the baby in the car and make a 1.5hr round trip to BIL’s house in the dark tonight to deliver the gift. I said no. He said ok then make a 40 minute round trip to MIL’s house tonight and she’ll take the gift to him tomorrow. I said no. Can MIL not make a 20 minute detour to our house to pick up the gift on her way to BIL’s house tomorrow morning? DH said no, MIL doesn’t want to be inconvenienced by a detour tomorrow. But it’s ok for me and the baby to be even more greatly inconvenienced tonight, in the dark? BIL is an adult, I’m sure he’ll be ok with receiving his gift late, when DH gets round to delivering it.

DH is mad and isn’t speaking to me because apparently I’m selfish and ruining BIL’s birthday. He’s so angry that I’m actually wondering if AIBU to have refused to deliver the gift?

Didn't you know you were the gift wrapper and the gift deliverer as well? He's taking the piss

Stop buying gifts on his behalf - if he doesn't do it, then thats his problem not yours.

And YABNU to not deliver this gift. He could have dropped it off in the last month, put it in the post, or ordered something online from wherever he is working

Stop getting involved. He wants to do it. Don’t remind at all. Simply state you’re having nothing to do with it if it comes up. Not your circus not your monkeys. He sounds batshit.

Yanbu, let him off to not talk to you and let those be the last gifts you ever buy for his family

No don’t deliver the gift! In my family we might not see each other for couple of weeks after a birthday and just wait to give the gift.
The bigger issue tho is that it’s not your responsibility; I’d stop buying the gifts and leave DH to it. If it goes wrong then DH can explain.

And stop suggestions and reminding him, do absolutely nothing

Your DH is being ridiculous. Don’t deliver the gift and remove yourself from having anything to do with gifts for his family - no reminders, no suggestions, no purchasing, no wrapping or delivering - nothing.

I certainly wouldn't do it now. Tell him that's the end of your involvement in any way in buying gifts for his family, as it only leads to trouble and last minute unreasonable demands. He can do it all himself in future. You were doing him a favour to get them in the first place.

Easy. Tell him you aren't going to nag any more or do it for him. Give him plenty of time to soak in. Then stand back and hold your nerve. Sometimes presents will not be given, His problem not yours. This is not your monkey

Your dp is being a twat. Just leave it with him, and wash your hands.

YANBU. Give your cheeky fucker husband a copy of "Wifework" for Christmas. Beautifully wrapped, of course.

Your 1st sentence, he doesn't want you to buy gifts for his family.

So why did you present him with a list of things you'd chosen for his family. He's asked you not to.

Just stop. Stop it all. Leave it to him. No reminding, no ordering, no driving, no looking, no wrapping, no delivering. Let him get on with it.

Do tell him you're stopping though, wouldn't be fair not to warn him. But tell him the once, just once and enter in to no further discussion.

Is your real name Amazon? If it is YABU. If it isn't, YANBU OP.

He sees MIL at least once a week and has had a month to pass the gift to her. Also he visited BIL four days ago to borrow an electric saw so could have wrapped and delivered the gift then. But now he’s gone away without delivering it and apparently I’m selfish for refusing to pack the baby in the car and deliver the gift the night before BIL’s birthday. Of course MIL (who has no baby or any ties whatsoever) is not selfish for refusing to pick up the gift on her way to see BIL tomorrow.

Don’t remind him of upcoming occasions, don’t drive him to shops when he inevitably forgets, don’t make lists of potential gifts, don’t do wrapping and delivery service for him, don’t let him blame you when he’s disorganised and has a stressful Xmas eve.

I’m sure an adult can wait a few days for their birthday present. Or just tell DH to send him something from Amazon Prime instead.

It's fine for him to want help with gifts, but you've offered plenty of help with gifts. It sounds like he keeps getting upset with you for not magically getting everyone exactly the gifts he would have chosen, without him actually taking the time to choose them. HIBU!

And HIB especially U not to understand that now that you have a small baby to care for, your availability to run errands and do favors isn't what it was. They are known to be tiring and time-consuming!

YABU! the gift stays at your house until someone collects it or DH gets home. I’m not usually one for ‘his family, his responsibility’ but in this case I think you’ve done more than enough and he should have sorted it.

He is mad at you?

You just haven't got the same time and spontaneity that you have pre-baby.

So it's best he realises that you are serious, when it's a Birthday and not Christmas.

Stick to your guns.

You need to let him sort it. It’s not your responsibility to sort out gifts for his family. My dh deals with all the gifts for his family. They are routinely 2-3 weeks late (as are theirs to us), but whatever, no one spontaneously combusts because they didn’t get their gift on their actual precise birthday. People have busy lives and we all understand that’s just how it is. If he can manage the logistics of a business trip, he’s perfectly capable of managing the purchase and delivery of a birthday present!

I have freed myself from this. It feels fantastic. Don't play his game. You're not staff.

YANBU. I can't believe he isn't talking to you. What a dick. I think, to avoid any ambiguity in the future, you should do absolutely nothing with regards to his family gifts. No reminders, no buying, no wrapping, no driving parcels for him.

As for driving him around to collect presents...."Erm, no, fuck you Miss Maisy".

YANBU. Stand fast! Hold your nerve.

I started this with DH last year as he asked me to rush around buying last minute items that were not in stock two days before Christmas. I did literally EVERYTHING else. Now, I give him the money in cash out of our allocated Christmas budget for the three gifts he has to buy and wrap. If he doesn't do it, his side of the family suffer and its entirely his fault.

I stopped sorting out gifts for DHs family other than his teenage niece - figured if I'm buying for our teenagers I might as well get hers at the same time. I was fed up with getting rubbish stuff back (£1 old lady fold up nylon gift bag for example) whenI'd expended a lot of time and effort in choosing nice things. I feel so much better for it. To be fair DH does pick out books for my DF as they have similar interests tastes so it has never been 100% one sided.

In your case I'd tell your DH that if he is so concerned about BIL he can do the round trip tomorrow from wherever he is on business.

YANBU

BiL hasn't had a present from us since the Christmas that our baby was born. BiL was the kind of person that required a browse around the shops for inspiration. Baby was due Christmas week and I couldn't get to a shop from mid-November due to SPD. Everyone else I managed to do online or making jewellery before my hands were too numb from carpal tunnel. DH failed to buy BiL's present or mine, the only two for him to do. It turned out that BiL didn't really mind and we mutally agreed from that point on to buy for DCs only. I was significantly more cheesed off that DH had left it to the last moment as a slightly early baby wasn't really unforseeable as a complete barrier to late Christmas shopping.

You are not responsible for BiL's presents, especially as DH is a PITA about it anyway. BiL is a big boy who can wait until it is convenient.