AIBU to refuse to sort DH family gifts at the last minute?

[MrsMiggel]

DH won’t let me buy gifts for his family because he doesn’t like my chosen gifts and wants to choose himself. Except he never gets round to actually buying anything. I remind him repeatedly, then a day or two beforehand he panics because he has no time left to order anything, and he asks me to drive miles to certain shops looking for gifts (which often aren’t what the person actually wants, it’s just a scrabble to get them something, anything).

This year I have baby DC and told him I will not be going out seeking gifts at the last minute. In October I sent him a list of gifts I’d chosen for his family and said I can order those or something else if he prefers, and if the gifts weren’t ordered by the end of October I was washing my hands of his family and he’d have to sort it himself. He said ok order those gifts.

Fast forward to BIL’s birthday tomorrow. DH is annoyed with me because apparently I rushed him into buying BIL’s gift and he doesn’t even remember what was bought. And he’s annoyed because the gift hasn’t been wrapped and given to BIL, even though he’s had ample opportunity because it’s been sitting there for a month.

DH has gone away on a business trip and won’t be back till next week. He’s known about this trip for months. This afternoon he called and asked me to wrap BIL’s gift, put the baby in the car and make a 1.5hr round trip to BIL’s house in the dark tonight to deliver the gift. I said no. He said ok then make a 40 minute round trip to MIL’s house tonight and she’ll take the gift to him tomorrow. I said no. Can MIL not make a 20 minute detour to our house to pick up the gift on her way to BIL’s house tomorrow morning? DH said no, MIL doesn’t want to be inconvenienced by a detour tomorrow. But it’s ok for me and the baby to be even more greatly inconvenienced tonight, in the dark? BIL is an adult, I’m sure he’ll be ok with receiving his gift late, when DH gets round to delivering it.

DH is mad and isn’t speaking to me because apparently I’m selfish and ruining BIL’s birthday. He’s so angry that I’m actually wondering if AIBU to have refused to deliver the gift?

because I don’t work but I don’t do anything else either.

Are you not looking after your child?

ok on the basis of your last update - take a massive step back. You have a baby to take care of that is your 'job' as things stand. Persumably you are on maternity leave - that is the purpose of it!

Stop doing his laundry, stop cleaning up his mess. let him get on with it.
(And make sure to get yourself back to work and dont rely on this looser - waiting for the next update where he controls 'his money' too whilst you look after HIS child!)

"Housework. Laundry. Stuff he thinks I should do during the day while he’s at work. Last week he yelled at me about the bedroom needing to be cleaned. Despite the fact he could have cleaned it himself at the weekend if he was that bothered. Ad then he said I’m lazy and I’ve got it easy because I don’t work but I don’t do anything else either."

How old is your baby? Presumably you're looking after the baby full time, and that's why you're not working? Of course you don't have it easy, of course you're not lazy FFS.

There are some warning bells ringing for me. Does he do (m)any things on this list?
liveboldandbloom.com/02/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

This isn't good OP. You ARE doing something, you're looking after a baby! You'd be lucky to even have time for a shit, let alone clean a bedroom, or run around delivering his family's presents.

He's even got you feeling bad about it. This is not a good man. Sorry.

He sounds awful OP.

Are you not looking after your child?
Yes. Baby is 8mo. But according to him other mums manage to look after their kids and still do the housework and laundry and shopping etc, so he doesn’t see why I can’t.

Ah, right, so he's an all-round cunt. Got it.

Where's that cartoon when you need it? The one where the bloke comes hometo a totally chaotic house and the wife, sitting down calmly, says 'I thought the best way to show you what I do all day was not to do it'.

Men can be angry and in a huff about stuff without women running to fix their issues for them you know. You can choose to give no fucks about his mantrums. Or at least pretend to give no fucks.

Housework. Laundry. Stuff he thinks I should do during the day while he’s at work. Last week he yelled at me about the bedroom needing to be cleaned. Despite the fact he could have cleaned it himself at the weekend if he was that bothered. Ad then he said I’m lazy and I’ve got it easy because I don’t work but I don’t do anything else either.

He's a gem isn't he. A really lovely man. How on earth did you end up procreating with this asshole? I suppose he hid it well.

He is supposed to love you and like you more than anyone else in the world. not treat you like a servant. Well in fairness I doubt anyone would get away with being angry with a servant these days so let's say worse that a servant.

Go back to work as soon as possible OP. You'll need it whether you stay with him or not. Men like this only value money. He has no respect for you because you are not at work.

God he's an utter twat isn't he.

Has he ever looked after the baby by himself for more than an hour or two? In the 8 months he's been a father?

He would piss me right off. I would abdicate all responsibility for his family's gifts, that way there's no confusion. He is the gift buyer, gift wrapper, gift deliverer. If he forgets then the person won't get their gift and it's all his fault.

He still needs to be doing half the housework, just as he (hopefully) was doing before baby came along. Are you also doing all the night wakings?

Has he ever looked after the baby by himself for more than an hour or two? In the 8 months he's been a father?
No.

Well there you go. He doesn't have a clue.

He's a common or garden sexist. And he sounds like a bully too. Please do check that list of signs.

He's a pain in the arse.

I can't stand men who forever dump mental.load on a woman. Just fuck off with that, if you want a PA then go hire one

No way on this earth would I be involved in present buying for his family, with his attitude. Let him do it all himself.

You will have to learn not to sweat it when it doesn't get done and his family don't get gifts. It's not your call and you actually don't need to be involved.

WTAF.
Think the presents are the least of your worries op.
He’s a right shit.

You’ve got bigger issues than the presents. He’s a bit of an arsehole isn’t he?

Just wow. Just say no.

Get yourself a copy of Wifework, have no involvement AT ALL in any gifts for his family, and get back to work full time after maternity leave - this is not a man you can rely on financially.

He sounds like a right twat tbh. I refuse to get presents for my dh family and have refused for years, they are his family and his responsibility. And you know what, he manages just fine. He has a job,and everything and still manages to buy gifts. He also manages to stick a load of washing on or vacuum if it needs doing. I can't understand these grown men who hold down jobs but seem to struggle to do basic life work.

I don’t shop for my dh because he has a brain. I might give him advice on what to chose. I did/do more household stuff as I’m at home but I wouldn’t take kindly at all to what appears to be a very shitty and unpleasant attitude.

OP he sounds really awful - he has a job its not a more important one than you looking after your son at all.

He really does not respect you at all

according to him other mums manage to look after their kids and still do the housework and laundry and shopping etc, so he doesn’t see why I can’t

Perhaps he would like to spend a day with the baby, doing the childcare, laundry, housework and cooking so that he can give you concrete examples of how to structure your time like these "other mums" he knows, and who have shared their tips and tricks with him.

I'm sure you'd be delighted to do the round trips for gift delivery etc then, whilst he sorted out the housework rota and explained it to the 8mo baby.

Jesus. Some men have so little empathy and insight it's frightening.

YY

Oh dear, he sounds pretty dire. I think you’ve got more problems than his crapness with regard to presents.

You need to have a proper talk with him about all this.