AIBU to refuse to sort DH family gifts at the last minute?

[MrsMiggel]

DH won’t let me buy gifts for his family because he doesn’t like my chosen gifts and wants to choose himself. Except he never gets round to actually buying anything. I remind him repeatedly, then a day or two beforehand he panics because he has no time left to order anything, and he asks me to drive miles to certain shops looking for gifts (which often aren’t what the person actually wants, it’s just a scrabble to get them something, anything).

This year I have baby DC and told him I will not be going out seeking gifts at the last minute. In October I sent him a list of gifts I’d chosen for his family and said I can order those or something else if he prefers, and if the gifts weren’t ordered by the end of October I was washing my hands of his family and he’d have to sort it himself. He said ok order those gifts.

Fast forward to BIL’s birthday tomorrow. DH is annoyed with me because apparently I rushed him into buying BIL’s gift and he doesn’t even remember what was bought. And he’s annoyed because the gift hasn’t been wrapped and given to BIL, even though he’s had ample opportunity because it’s been sitting there for a month.

DH has gone away on a business trip and won’t be back till next week. He’s known about this trip for months. This afternoon he called and asked me to wrap BIL’s gift, put the baby in the car and make a 1.5hr round trip to BIL’s house in the dark tonight to deliver the gift. I said no. He said ok then make a 40 minute round trip to MIL’s house tonight and she’ll take the gift to him tomorrow. I said no. Can MIL not make a 20 minute detour to our house to pick up the gift on her way to BIL’s house tomorrow morning? DH said no, MIL doesn’t want to be inconvenienced by a detour tomorrow. But it’s ok for me and the baby to be even more greatly inconvenienced tonight, in the dark? BIL is an adult, I’m sure he’ll be ok with receiving his gift late, when DH gets round to delivering it.

DH is mad and isn’t speaking to me because apparently I’m selfish and ruining BIL’s birthday. He’s so angry that I’m actually wondering if AIBU to have refused to deliver the gift?

Stand your ground. As you say, he has had ample opportunity to sort this and he just hasn't.

Our issue used to be Christmas cards. It always used to fall to me to make sure they were sent to his large extended family. My own family is small, just my parents and sister. I did it for years but it was a huge job and about 3 years ago I just said that I would no longer do it.

"Fair enough", said DH, "I'll do them in future".

Guess what? He never has. He never will either, as he will never get around to it. His sister pulled him up on it last year. He was embarrassed, stuttered for a bit and promised to change. Change is unlikely though.

He hasn't got mad at me though. We don't mention it at all.

Don't listen to him, let him sort his own family out from now on.
YANBU! X

Well you now know what to do next year - leave gifts for his family entirely to him. He sounds pathetic.

YANBU

He grew up with his family so should know what gifts to get them and when their birthdays are. Leave him to buy his family their own gifts and to deliver them in time. Men are perfectly capable of doing this. All brothers not their wives buy me any gifts they give me and have been doing so since I was a child. My nephews - their sons - have also learnt how to buy presents for people on time and how to get them to them.

God I’m annoyed for you. Simply stop trying to remind him, he’s a big boy he can set his own reminders from now on.
Tell him (not you) to open a moonpig account and send a card and one of the presents off there if he’s that bothered.

Agree with everyone else OP ...leave him to it..The only way he will change is if he is personally embarrassed. He choose to have this situation not you and with a new born you have more than enough on your plate..let him sulk.

Stop with the mental load of this!

Not your problem to sort practically nor mentally, just step back!

Class is blame deflection. He feels shit for not sorting the present in time, pressured you to do it, if you say no then it’s your fault the gift is late. See, not his fault at all so he can stop feeling pissed off at himself.

I don’t know any adult that would expect a gift to be handed over to them on their exact birthday, from anyone that does not live with them / is their partner?

You just hand gifts over the next time you see each other.

Well he appears to hold down a job and therefore capable adult.

Stand firm.

Look at him not speaking to you as a bonus

Let him take the flack.

If MIL asks or BIL mentions it - just say 'oh it was DH's job not mine, speak to him' and leave it there

I no longer deal wit DHs side of gift buying and it much less hassle

Wifework!!

Agree with PP - tell him from now on he is entirely responsible for all purchasing, wrapping, and delivery of gifts to his family.

Fucker.

He sounds ridiculous. YANBU.

BIL will get his gift when your DH (his brother, presumably?) gets back to sort it. Or begs his MIL to bail him out by stopping by your house.

Never give in on this type of shit.

He's not too busy to sort this out, he's too disorganised and hasn't prioritised it. Not your problem. You warned him, after all.

You could tell him that you'll generously wait in for the same-day courier if he wishes to arrange it, though

Good god. I wouldn't do what you've described for my DH even if I didn't have a baby. To agree to your suggestion (which helped him out), then be pissy about the gift, THEN fail to bestir his lazy arse for 10 minutes to find and wrap it over the course of a MONTH, and THEN ask you to do it, and to make a long trip to deliver it that he doesn't expect of his mother ... fuck that for a game of soldiers.

He is taking the rip-roaring piss and it's you that should be mad at him.

What did he do before you met?

I sincerely hope you have not delivered anything anywhere... if you have you have signed up for eternity. You’ve more than gone half way.

Don’t do it!!!
If you feel bad ring MIL yourself and ask her to pick it up.
Remind DH that he asked you to leave gifts for his family to him, and never get involved again. YANBU, but he is .

My ex was hopeless with presents. I used to have all the stress of doing all his family's presents because otherwise he'd buy last minute crap from Asda. One year I got so fed up I told all the relatives that this year Save was doing all the gift buying, so not to think badly of me if he forgot, as it was his family and he should make an effort! They thought it was funny. They got Asda crap again. I think we split up the next year!

Your husband sounds even more pathetic!

he doesn't want you to buy gifts for his family. So why did you present him with a list of things you'd chosen for his family
Because if I don’t push him to order gifts, he won’t buy any. Then he’ll want me to run round the shops at the last minute (massively inconvenient) and will get angry if I refuse. And potentially his family will end up with no gifts and I’ll feel crap.

DH’s family have always been thoughtful, bought nice gifts and made sure we received them in advance. I feel truly awful texting BIL (who has already delivered my birthday gift for next month) to say happy birthday, sorry you have no gift from us. I doubt his family will just blame him.

What did he do before you met?
He was less busy and had a less important job, therefore more time to choose gifts. And I think he used to hit the shops on Christmas Eve and just buy random stuff. Plus obviously there were fewer in-laws because his siblings weren’t married yet, and no nieces and nephews to be disappointed back then. And if he failed to buy gifts I didn’t feel awful because I wasn’t there!

Are there other things that he asks or expects you to do, then gets angry if you don't do them?

Why are you feeling "awful" and "crap"? Your DH has really fvcked your Perception here OP.

There are business leaders, high pressure sports athletes, surgeons... Who are male and yet able to deal with this themselves, because they respect the person they're giving a gift to. Your DH actions say he doesn't give a shit, and you've been (more than) covering it up.

Unless your D"H" is really the prime minister, or some such person, he's got no excuse. It's his problem, and getting angry at you needs to be rediverted to a more appropriate target.... Himself.

I feel truly awful texting BIL (who has already delivered my birthday gift for next month) to say happy birthday, sorry you have no gift from us.

So just say 'Happy birthday' then.

Are there other things that he asks or expects you to do, then gets angry if you don't do them?
Housework. Laundry. Stuff he thinks I should do during the day while he’s at work. Last week he yelled at me about the bedroom needing to be cleaned. Despite the fact he could have cleaned it himself at the weekend if he was that bothered. Ad then he said I’m lazy and I’ve got it easy because I don’t work but I don’t do anything else either.

Your DH is sounding less and less appealing. Not really a catch, that one.

I'd preempt this. Group message saying DH is buying your presents from here on in. So if you want to give him some ideas I'm sure it would be appreciated. Then step away from the shit show entirely.