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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little bit ashamed to be a 2x divorcee

85 replies

Rosskidsmum · 28/11/2018 09:45

It’s not something I thought about until I met my current partner and after 4 years he still isn’t aware I have been married twice before, I was separated when we met and divorced during the time we have been together, but people’s opinions on divorce led me to hide my first failed marriage.
I was married at 23 and divorced by 26, I had been with him since I was 16 and instead of walking away after we were no longer in love we got married. I met my second husband litterally after I was divorced and fell pregnant within 3 months, me being pregnant and I think because I had been married before prompted him to ask me to marry him, I never really thought about it and sort of just went along with it, we had 2 children and it was a very turbulent marriage that lasted 6 years before divorced him. I then spent 2 well deserved years on my own with my sons and it was great.
I’m now 37 have been in a relationship with a fantastic man for 4 years we have a daughter but I can’t bring myself to tell him I have been married twice not once before I know he’ll be a bit disappointed as he takes marriage very seriously.
Am I wrong from hiding my past from people? Or will people just judge

OP posts:

BunsOfAnarchy · 28/11/2018 09:51

OP the divorcing twice is no big deal. You're missing the actual issue.
How the hell have you made it 4 years without telling your partner youve been married twice!!! Sorry but thats awful!

Alfie190 · 28/11/2018 09:52

I have a friend on her third marriage, I have never given it a moments thought. First marriage was young, 23 like you, second husband who I knew did something horrible.

I would be more annoyed at a partner not mentioning it than actually having been married twice.

SillySallySingsSongs · 28/11/2018 09:53

How the hell have you made it 4 years without telling your partner youve been married twice!!! Sorry but thats awful

I agree. You need to tell him. If you get married he will find out.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/11/2018 09:53

I understand why you feel this way, but honestly I do think the secret keeping is worse than the secret itself.

SpottingTheZebras · 28/11/2018 09:53

I don’t think the issue is being married twice before, but the fact you haven’t told your partner this and that you live your life based on what people think of you.

MrsStrowman · 28/11/2018 09:55

I agree with PPs is the hiding it that is worse, you've lied to him for four years!

PoesyCherish · 28/11/2018 09:56

I would be so upset if it turned out DP had actually been divorced twice not once. But only because I'd be hurt he hadn't told me. If, when we'd met he'd said to me "I've been divorced before and now I'm separated from my 2nd wife and we're going through a divorce" I wouldn't have thought anything of it other than to offer my support.

Please just be honest with your DP. The longer you leave it the more hurt and upset he's going to be that you lied.

Original poster

Rosskidsmum · 28/11/2018 10:11

I don’t feel that I have lied to him, I have chosen to not disclose all of my past, he hasn’t really told me about any of his past relationships so I never felt right bringing it up.

OP posts:

Birdie6 · 28/11/2018 10:16

Why worry so much about what others think of you ? My DH was married and divorced twice before he met me - his comment was "everyone's entitled to make a few mistakes " . If only you realised how little anyone else would judge you !

You are living a lie for absolutely no reason - nobody could care less about your "past" . You certainly need to be honest with your DP . He obviously knows about your 2nd marriage, since you were still married when you met him . Just sit him down and tell him . Your fear of being judged has turned this into something much bigger than what it really is - a mistake you made when you were young.

Blanchedupetitpois · 28/11/2018 10:18

You really should have told him before, and you had better do so now.

People get divorced - it’s just one of those things. No one can predict the future, or know for sure that they are making a bad decision. But you shouldn’t have hidden it from him.

Clutterbugsmum · 28/11/2018 10:19

My brother was married and divorced twice before he was 28. He now been married to his 3rd wife for coming up to 20 years.

redexpat · 28/11/2018 10:21

It's thought to be a sign of failure by some. I feel its a declaration of standards and should be applauded.

Snowwontbelong · 28/11/2018 10:22

Dh is my 4 th!
Best to ltb than stay in a miserable relationship.
No shame in that op.

greendale17 · 28/11/2018 10:24

How the hell have you made it 4 years without telling your partner youve been married twice!!! Sorry but thats awful!

^I agree. I wouldn’t be happy if I was him at all.

puzzledlady · 28/11/2018 10:24

I would have more of an issue that you lied to me. Sorry OP, but it’ll be hard to trust you after this.

BettyCrook · 28/11/2018 10:24

what?!! how did he never know that you were married twice?
you had a child together and been together 4 years and he still doesn't know?!

I'd worry more about telling him than some randoms judging.

WinterfellWench · 28/11/2018 10:26

I think that's really odd that your partner doesn't know you are a twice divorced woman (after four years together with him!)

However, it's nothing to be ashamed of ... I know several women who are 40-50, and have been divorced 3 to 5 times. I have a lot more respect for them than I do for someone who is 40-50, and has been married for 20-30 years, but is not happy, not in love with her husband, and is only staying with him because she is too scared to leave for fear of being alone.

Much better to be divorced 5 times in 25 years, than stay in a dead, shit marriage, because you are trapped, and too scared to leave.

You do need to tell your partner though. And soon! I bet he won't care about the divorces, but will be a bit miffed that you kept it from him. Doubt it will bother him much though.

RiverTam · 28/11/2018 10:27

you have lied by omission.

I don't think you need to feel ashamed, though, in my personal opinion, you do seem to move quite fast in relationships. But you have kept something really massive from your partner and the father of your DD.

MummyDummyNow · 28/11/2018 10:27

The divorces aren't an issue but the lying is. If I found out my partner hadn't "disclosed" this information I'd be absolutely bloody furious, never be able to trust them again and in all honestly, I think the relationship would in fact be over. It would be that big f a deal for me.

raffle · 28/11/2018 10:28

Doesn’t he know any of your friends or family?

Alfie190 · 28/11/2018 10:32

I don't feel that I have lied to him

I suspect he will think differently when / if he find out though. As would most people.

I have never asked my DH for a run through of past girlfriends (although I know of a couple), but I would definitely expect to have been told about past marriages.

bigKiteFlying · 28/11/2018 10:36

I know he’ll be a bit disappointed as he takes marriage very seriously.

I'd have though having a child with him - your 4-year-old DD - was a bigger commitment in many ways than marriage. (Marriage had legal implications but a child is reponsiblity that can't be undone)

Are you sure he doesn't know - some may have told him in the 4 years possibly your DS - and are you really sure he'd be disappointed – you’ve been together 4 years and had a child if marriage was important to him I’d have expected a few conversations about marriage – and then it would have been easy to mention you’d been married before.

Bluerussian · 28/11/2018 10:42

You're in good company.

Husband's cousin married someone twice divorced, been together thirty years plus! It happens. Ignore everyone else but work out if you are compatible.

Good luck .

RoboticMary · 28/11/2018 10:43

I’d be livid if I were your partner. How deceitful not to tell him you’ve been married before. I’d find it impossible to trust you.

Shepherdspieisminging · 28/11/2018 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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