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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a little bit ashamed to be a 2x divorcee

85 replies

Rosskidsmum · 28/11/2018 09:45

It’s not something I thought about until I met my current partner and after 4 years he still isn’t aware I have been married twice before, I was separated when we met and divorced during the time we have been together, but people’s opinions on divorce led me to hide my first failed marriage.
I was married at 23 and divorced by 26, I had been with him since I was 16 and instead of walking away after we were no longer in love we got married. I met my second husband litterally after I was divorced and fell pregnant within 3 months, me being pregnant and I think because I had been married before prompted him to ask me to marry him, I never really thought about it and sort of just went along with it, we had 2 children and it was a very turbulent marriage that lasted 6 years before divorced him. I then spent 2 well deserved years on my own with my sons and it was great.
I’m now 37 have been in a relationship with a fantastic man for 4 years we have a daughter but I can’t bring myself to tell him I have been married twice not once before I know he’ll be a bit disappointed as he takes marriage very seriously.
Am I wrong from hiding my past from people? Or will people just judge

OP posts:

Shepherdspieisminging · 28/11/2018 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Rosskidsmum · 28/11/2018 10:45

I know he would be disappointed, he said in conversation, when we first dating that Rebecca Vardy being on her 3rd marriage was awuful, I struggled to drop my failed marriage last in to conversation after that

OP posts:

FaceLikeAPairOfTits · 28/11/2018 10:47

Having a child together is a much bigger commitment than getting married, it seems odd if he takes marriage so seriously that you haven't discussed getting married to each other.

WorraLiberty · 28/11/2018 11:00

I'd be fuming if I had a child with someone and they kept that from me tbh.

Shepherdspieisminging · 28/11/2018 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarbados · 28/11/2018 11:04

When I met my first husband he told me he'd been married before. What he forgot to add was 'three times'. We were in our early 30s and I didn't worry about one 'mistake' but if I'd known I was about to become the 4th wife, I might have viewed it differently.

(It lasted 2 years before he was off into the sunset holding hands with one of his students aged 19.)

Jux · 28/11/2018 11:05

You say you haven't lied to him, but really you have. You have lied by omission, allowed him to believe something important which is not the truth. You know this otherwise you wouldn't be worrying about it.

You have to tell him, and take the consequences, whatever they are.

RiverTam · 28/11/2018 11:06

Ross I'm very sorry, but I do think you're going to have to bring this up and deal with the fall out. You really should have gone through that before committing to having a child with him. It could well be that his comment about Ms Vardy was a silly, throwaway comment that people make (usually about women) and it doesn't reflect any deep-seated view. But you can't keep this under the carpet.

Alfie190 · 28/11/2018 11:07

If I was in early dating and had been divorced twice and new BF said that about third marriages, I would have told him about my two divorces right there and then. And told him to walk if it bothered him so much.

And your DP definitely doesn't take marriage seriously as you wouldn't have his child but be unmarried if he did.

adaline · 28/11/2018 11:07

I found out my ex-partner of three years had lied to me about this. We broke up about an hour later! I was furious and so, so hurt that he'd lied to me about it. The marriage itself wasn't a problem, but the fact that he'd lied to me for three years was!

I'm sorry OP but I think you've made a massive mistake here.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/11/2018 11:08

You've lied by omission... and you've had conversations that presented the opportunity to tell him, and haven't.

You need to tell him. Soon. He'll find out anyway if you get married; and the longer you've lied, the more damage you'll have done. Four years is already substantial.

BunnyColvin · 28/11/2018 11:08

Agree with the PP. The universe is probably trying to tell you to give the third time a swerve.

Tell him, don't tell him, but if he's really looking down in judgement on ppl who've been married more than once, yet it's ok to bring kids into the world and not bother with getting married, then he's hardly one to preach.

Prettyvase · 28/11/2018 11:08

Oh come on. Be lighthearted about it! Say I've been married 5 times before just to get over the shock factor and then laugh and then actually tell him the truth.

If he doesn't like it then say humans are flawed, that your standards are high and those men didn't meet up to expectations as they were lazy around the house, gamblers, (insert reason here) and you woeren't putting up with that all your life.

Be breezy about it and say your comment about Rebecca ardy was misplaced as you don't know her reasons but as she is a strong individual and a good mother and doesn't take crap from anyone then good on her.

If he has a problem with that and is judgy then that tells you a lot about him doesn't it?

Craft1905 · 28/11/2018 11:08

TBH I've been married once, I wouldn't bother again.
I certainly wouldn't do it 3 times.

Being married twice is ok. But a 3rd marriage after 2 divorces is a triumph of hope over experience.

Missingstreetlife · 28/11/2018 11:10

What a lot of moralising. Nobody's business but yours. If dp wanted to know he should have asked. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Is your dp religious?
If you want to tell him, or you're thinking of marrying him, just pick your moment. We've all got secrets op, it sounds like you've grown up a lot.

Augusta2012 · 28/11/2018 11:11

Jesus, I know someone who had been divorced four times before 30 and was on her 5th.

Twice is nothing, twice is just bad luck.

Augusta2012 · 28/11/2018 11:12

If he judges you he is not the one for you.

adaline · 28/11/2018 11:12

I don't think people are moralising (expect maybe OP's DP!) they are just saying that the lie would be a massive problem. I've had this happen to me and the deception is awful - I didn't care that he had been married before, I care that he'd had hundreds of chances to tell me and had chosen to keep it from me anyway.

If he could lie about that, what else could he lie about? The trust I had for him was gone in an instant.

Alfie190 · 28/11/2018 11:13

triumph of hope over experience. My friend is on third marriage, it is the longest lasting and I think it is one that will last.

Baking101 · 28/11/2018 11:16

You've set yourself up for potentialbfailure again. You've lied to him. Dress it up how you want, but he thinks he will be your first husband, if you get married. Tell him and accept the worst that may happen. I would leave you for this, as would many others. He might not, but he will certainly be angry, rightly so. Good luck if you tell him, but I don't think you will.

BettyDuMonde · 28/11/2018 11:21

I’m on husband number three.

Still on good terms with husbands 1 and 2. I have them listed in my phone as Hn1, Hn2 & Hn3.

I don’t feel any shame or embarrassment about being a double divorcee, but I did tell people not to buy me any more wedding presents this time 😂

Better to recognise a mistake and walk away with respectful friendships and successful co parenting relationships than to stay stuck in a unhappy marriage due to fear of social stigma, I reckon.

Not mentioning a previous husbandnto a partner of 4 years is a bit of a weird one though - how has it never come up? Did you keep your own name during the first marriage? Have you killed off all your family and long term friends to guard your secret?

You’ll have to ‘fess up at some point, so the best thing to do is be honest and say you didn’t mention it because you were young and impulsive at the time and now you are embarrassed about marrying someone despite knowing the marriage had no future on your wedding day.

Alfie190 · 28/11/2018 11:26

What a lot of moralising

OP has lied by omission, not wanting to be lied to, is not moralising.

Craft1905 · 28/11/2018 11:27

Twice is nothing, twice is just bad luck.

To quote Oscar Wilde, once is unfortunate, twice is carelessness.

ILoveTreesInAutumn · 28/11/2018 11:28

he hasn’t really told me about any of his past relationships

Then you owe him no more than that.

Personally there’s no way I would be with someone and not have discussed previous relationships. I wouldn’t judge someone having been married twice before, but I’d want to know why the marriages had failed, the same as I would expect them to want to know why my previous significant relationships had failed. IMO it’s an important exchange of information that could lead to either deciding those factors are/aren’t an issue in OUR relationship.

...but as this isn’t what you two have done, he has no right to complain you haven’t told him, when you know nothing about his past.

Just as importantly, if he’s SO hung up on marriage being the be-all and end-all of commitment to another person (once only, for life, according to him) then why didn’t he insist on being married before you had a child? Who is he saving his commitment for?

MissCharleyP · 28/11/2018 11:28

DH was married 3 times before (he is 23 years older than me). He was upfront about it from the beginning. As pp have said; it’s not the amount of marriages but the fact you haven’t said anything. I hit the roof when I found he was still ‘friends’ on social media with his ex-DSD because a) he hadn’t told me and b) I didn’t want any of his ex-W’s family (I wasn’t the OW - she left him) to be involved with us.

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