To feel a little bit ashamed to be a 2x divorcee

[Rosskidsmum]

It’s not something I thought about until I met my current partner and after 4 years he still isn’t aware I have been married twice before, I was separated when we met and divorced during the time we have been together, but people’s opinions on divorce led me to hide my first failed marriage.
I was married at 23 and divorced by 26, I had been with him since I was 16 and instead of walking away after we were no longer in love we got married. I met my second husband litterally after I was divorced and fell pregnant within 3 months, me being pregnant and I think because I had been married before prompted him to ask me to marry him, I never really thought about it and sort of just went along with it, we had 2 children and it was a very turbulent marriage that lasted 6 years before divorced him. I then spent 2 well deserved years on my own with my sons and it was great.
I’m now 37 have been in a relationship with a fantastic man for 4 years we have a daughter but I can’t bring myself to tell him I have been married twice not once before I know he’ll be a bit disappointed as he takes marriage very seriously.
Am I wrong from hiding my past from people? Or will people just judge

Mind-boggling that you haven't mentioned it. Or does he know that you were with those guys but just not that you were married to them? What does he think you were doing all those years? Who does he think you are? Sorry, but it is a huge deception and not at all comparable to not discussing past girlfriends. Getting married and getting divorced is a big deal, of course it is. If you can hide that then I'd be worried about what else you could omit/lie about. Sorry but you have to tell him. Downplay it and explain you were worried and love him and hopefully he'll be okay about it. Not sure I would be though, sorry.

*not a big deal in a judgy sense, that's not the issue. They're a big deal emotionally. You must acknowledge those marriages and divorces have formed who you are now.

You have lied to him. It is not an insignificant thing it is a major thing in your life. I would be furious if I was him. Your relationship is based on lies.

betty, I know a couple, the last of whom has just died. It was her second marriage and his third, plus she was pregnant out of wedlock when they married which was a huge scandal at the time. She was in her late twenties and he in his early 40s when they married; massive scandal, nobody thought it would last. It did, until she died in her mid seventies so about 50 years. He died recently.

So yes, I agree with you, just because you’ve said two marriages are too unhappy to stay in doesn’t mean that a third will be too. And given divorce rates, statistically it’s going to be fairly common to be on a third marriage and will happen to normal people rather than being some pearl clutching scandal.

Triumph of hope over experience here, my marriage is my third, we celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary next year. The first (I was 18) lasted six years, the second lasted six months.

I was completely upfront about my two divorces. My bloke is as pro marriage as they come and didn't turn a hair when I told him, he'd have been very upset if I hadn't told him in the first few weeks.

Reminds me of a story told to me by a friend from a very strict Catholic family. Her sister emigrated with her DH and they had a family. A few years later the couple got divorced but didn’t tell her family back in Ireland. When the sister remarried she passed her second husband off as her first. Seems relatives didn’t notice that family photos showed a different man.
Panic when uncle, a retired priest was due to visit the family as part of world tour. Sister came clean and they all laughed about it but family back in the Emerald Isle were left in blissful ignorance.

You have purposely lied to him over something because you believe he thinks is significant.

It must be a worry that any one of your family or friends could drop you in it at any point, or are they in on the deceit too...have you told them never to mention it because he doesn't know? That would make it even worse.

While 2 divorces isn't a major issue your purposeful lying is, he will wonder what else you have lied about to suit your agenda. Time to come clean and apologise.

I don't understand. You have been with this man for 4 years and have a child with him, but he has never asked if you have been engaged or married before? Really?

You have never had a conversation where he asked "Who did you go to Menorca with?" "Did you live alone when you lived in X?" and you have actively lied to him?

I would be furious if I were him.

Having said that - I would run very swiftly away from any man who thought it his right to make value judgements on women based on how many times they have been married. Does he make the same judgements about men who have been married multiple times? I bet he bloody doesn't.

I refer to XH number 1 and XH number 2 in normal conversation with anyone. I couldn't give a shit what anyone thinks. Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter.

OP I think you’ve been fortunate no one has let the cat out of the bag. Has DP never seen your DC’s birth certificates?
Do you plan to marry DP because you will have to produce proof of the dissolution of your marriages to get a licence.

Augusta that’s a lovely story ❤️ I am sometimes envious of the couples who met when young and stayed together for decades, the pensioners you read about in local papers, who live together for 50 years and die just days apart. And then I think how lucky I am to have found my love, and even if we were 49 and 41 on our wedding day, we might still squeeze out 30 years together!

We actually recycled our legal witnesses, he chose the same friend who had been his best man 25 years earlier and I picked a friend who I’ve known since I was a teenager, she was my witness when I married Hn1.

Friendships often last longer than marriages, so it was nice to recognise that, it went nicely with the triumph of hope over experience theme (as a previous poster called it)...

I prefer ‘third time’s the charm’ 😂

Actually, you only have to show your most recent divorce papers when giving notice to wed (because you showed the previous lot to a registrar when you gave notice last time 😂). I know this because I took two sets along and only needed one of them!

This does not mean I endorse not telling third or subsequent husbands about all one’s previous marriages, mind you.

Actually, you only have to show your most recent divorce papers when giving notice to wed

That's interesting. I was wondering how he would find out just by marrying OP. I know with DP we'd have to show his divorce certificate but he's only been married once before that I'm aware of! so I had always wondered what would happen if you'd been married more than once.

That said I still stand by what I said before about being upset about the lie, lying by omission is just as bad. And boyfriends are not comparable to husbands. We all have pasts but I really think you should have at least told him. All you can do now is damage limitation. Tell him asap, apologise, explain your reasons and for the love of God stop giving a damn about what anyone other than your DP thinks.

You have to give all previously known-by names, if I recall correctly, so it could still come up. Bit hazy on that because I kept my own name.

Its deceitful on your part to hide behind that it's your past and didnt know you had to disclose it. It's one of those things you should know. He might not be bothered by it, or he could wonder who hes with that could hide such a big thing. Would make me wonder tbh. Come clean.

I understand how you feel OP I rarely tell people that I was married before as that part of my life feels so alien to me that I kind of figure, why bother? Saying that, I think your partner should know.

Op theres nothing to be ashamed of really. Just by hiding it you make it seem worse than it is.

You have bigger issues here!!
Trust. Lying by omission.
Big secret. How can he not know? Does he not know about the first marriage? Or the second?
I wouldn't trust you.
Your People judgement is way of kilter - the fact that you got married so quickly the first time, and then again the second time, to not suitable people, means your people judgement is way off.

It’s not that you’ve been married twice before that’s the problem- it’s that you lied by omission that’s the problem.

If my partner was divorced twice before they met me, it might give me pause. I’d wonder what went wrong. Anyone can have bad luck but is there a pattern?

If I found out they’d concealed a previous marriage that would be a much bigger deal. It tells me that they’d rather keep secrets for fear of what I’d say or do if I had the full picture. It’s selfish. If he wouldn’t have got together with you knowing the whole story, that would have been his choice. You’re not owed a relationship.

Every day you continue to conceal it the lie gets bigger. It’s crap to say “it never came up”. It’s come up now. You feel guilty and ashamed. Fix it! Talk to him, apologise and give him time to process his reaction rather than seeking reassurance.

You’ve been unfair. To both of you really. Summon up your courage and tell him about your past.

I probably wouldn’t have entered into a relationship with my DH if he was divorced twice before. I would divorce him on the spot if it turned out he’d lied about it. You took the choice out of his hands really. If I were in his position I would be v pissed off. You absolutely must tell him now. It might not change anything, it might change everything, but he deserves to make an informed choice.!

I wouldn't have entered a relationship either with a person who has been twice divorced so two sets of vows broken. It would indicate they didn't take marriage seriously.

Your DH has been truly deceived and even worse now you have children because you let him commit to that without knowing the true facts. Id leave immediately if deceived so badly.

if he takes marriage so seriously he wouldn't have wanted a child with you before marrying you.

Well, quite. Marriage clearly isn't that big a deal to him. I do think you should tell him, but if niether of you has discussed the past much there's no need to make a big deal of it.

It does seem strange though. I've always had a rough idea of a boyfriends past.

Hold on, so you divorced the second husband DURING the relationship with your current partner, am I getting that right? I couldn’t care less how many relationships someone’s been through, but you’re out of order for being so deceitful.