This is not my idea of a 10k holiday !

[Itwillgeteasieripromise]

Ex pats, heading home for Christmas after a tough year, not taken any leave really in 12 months and just finished an ivf cycle with one in the freezer for when we get back. We need a rest, DH and I are shattered.
I love my family dearly, but dear god the demands !!! Every day I'm literally sent a list of 'events' to attend, including helping my sister with her kids while she has to work late. Coming home is expensive, all
you seem to do is be expected to come to people because they are so busy with Christmas. Everyday day I'm literally sent a new invite, if it's not a birthday party, it's a school play ! It doesn't help that DH and I are from opposite ends of the country (and his family think I'm a spoiled bitch) If you think of what a holiday would look like if you spend 10k I can promise you, I wouldn't be rushing around like a headless chicken, spending it sat in people's living rooms seeing their kids and being an unpaid babysitter for family ! (Rant over) I am excited honestly, but it almost feels like an ex pat tax that you have to pay every couple of years .....

Oh i see bits of this from all angles. Am about to emigrate to Aus OP and received a small minority of unhinged posts from bitter posters when i asked a question recently re. family dynamics in context of moving overseas. Ignore the small-minded haters.

I think the problem is it being Xmas. You've explained why you're going over xmas upthread and while that's clear and understandable, you've got to appreciate your friends and family back home don't give a fig about what's best for your work when it comes to their xmas plans. At xmas i think most people want to be cosy at home in comfy clothes drinking baileys, eating quality street and buffet food and not worrying about taxis. Everyone has a fridge groaning with food and booze and will be delighted to share it with you. It's natural to hibernate at home at xmas but they want to have you on the sofa next to them while they do so. Try and look at ot that way.

At least everyone is valuing your time and appreciates the logistical difficulties you face. You would really have something to complain about if everyone said 'yeh look we would rather see how we feel nearer the time let's catch up when you're over'. Now that would suck!

However, apart from at xmas (when it os law to stay home and slob out) i agree with you expat families should make an effort to.

We are coming home from Aus in July for a wedding and will spend one week in london working and seeing friends after work blah blah (i hope!) and then we'll be renting a villa or cottage somewhere ryanair-able for both sets of parents, filling the fridge and telling them and siblings where to find us.

The next time we come home after that we will try and see extended family but on our terms e.g. Organise a big family bbq at our parent's houses. (our parents live in different countries but we are lucky that in each set all relatives live around / in one city).

Exceptions made for grannies who can't travel of course. There are obvious reasons to prioritise time with grandparents. But with everyone else I'll be hoping we can meet at the bbq but not stressing myself or them if that doesn't work out - we all have our lives to live and that includes us!

Thank you for all your responses. I know the minute I'm home it won't see so hectic and I'll just slip into the routine. I'll be in heaven sat round an open fire with my family. Christmas doesn't feel the same in a swimming pool, in bright glorious sunshine. I just need to get through the next few days of work, the constant chasing of couriers for gifts to take home (I thought online shopping prior would take the weight off when I got home - turns out not so much)
It's been a tough year, I guess I just need to adjust what my idea of a rest will look like!

I get you op. Next time could you hire a cottage and get people to visit you?Book in dates?

OP next time send the parcels to your parent's house and spend the first evening at home with a btl of baileys, the Now Christmas CD and wrap!!!!!

Perhaps your sister thinks 'Hallelujah, for once my Sis can help me out'?

I don't understand this? Why should OP be grateful that her family might want her to "help out" on her holiday?! FFS, I've lived overseas for over a decade and left when my niece was 14 months old.
And you know each time I went back to visit, not once did my family think "oh good, I can hit up Stroke for some free childcare cos she owes me". No, they thought "yay my sisters coming home, I can't wait to spend time with her" and we worked together to make sure we all saw loads of each other. There was no entitled behavior or my family acting like I was the wanker for moving away.

Honestly, do normal families really think it's acceptable to hit up a visiting sibling for childcare just because they have the audacity to move to a different country? Give your head a shake.

Having lived abroad I too got a bit miffed when people didn’t take time off for me or wanted to stay in with a takeaway instead of going out. And then I realised that it was me that chose to move away to make, let’s face it, more money than I would at home. So to expect people to disrupt their day to day lives, take a day off, or spend a shit load of cash just because I decided to pop home is a bit of a CF. After I’d taken my head out of my own arse I realised I should be the one slotting into their lives, not expect them to arrange a welcome home parade like I’ve returned from war.

It's not really a holiday though, is it?

You're going home to visit family.

Excellent idea!

It's your holiday - plan it better! Change the flights and do one week and home and one week somewhere relaxing half way back to your home destination. If you don't like what you've planned - change it!!

Oops
I meant getting everyone in one place

Gosh you sound awful OP! I'd do everyone a favour and stay home

I so understand OP. We lived in HKong for quite a few years and so looked forward to trips home - but it was exhausting! Because you are baseless, so you visit everyone at their place and unless they too have lived abroad, they find it hard to relate to your life. In the end we rented a self catering cottage and invited everyone to us, then we were in control! Re the IVF..... we went through 3 cycles all of which failed. Then while recovering from the last effort, I fell pregnant! (DH had had a minor op which I think helped this happen!) so many miracles can and do, happen. Good luck!

Not that’s terribly unfair and unkind.

Other MNers living abroad have said they understand exactly what she’s saying. Visits “home” are extraordinarily difficult not least because they are meant to be fun.

This happens when we visit my IL's in NZ, we fly really quickly with no stop-overs to NZ and then spend 2 weeks in IL's houses and then come back again. We fly over really exciting countries, but never stop there. It's just the way it is. Nothing you can do to change it, but you can change your expectations. Look on it as a treat, and maybe try a night away somewhere gorgeous. Good luck OP!

Haven't read the whole thread but rather than organising "an event" yourself, I would pick a night early on in your stay and email everyone saying on this day at this time you will be in named pub/bar from 6pm til 10pm. Would love to see you there if you want to drop in and say hi.

If you feel like you need it book a bit of space in the pub/bar.

All "visits" done in one shot.

I get this, even going 300 miles to home town. If you see ppl early in the visit they want to do it again before you go, if late why didn't you come before. They don't want to travel 5 miles but you must come to them, er I just drove 5hours.
Not a holiday, but at least you don't have to go every weekend or more.

I feel for you OP... husband and I have been expats working in 3 different countries across 3 continents in the last 12 years. We envy people who get to have annual proper holidays when all we do are spending money and time off ‘going home’. Easily have had saved a decent house deposit by now if we didn’t spend it on the flights home!

I know exactly what you meant. When we get home, we are expected to go around to see our families... it gets exhausting. I know it’s lovely to be home but at the same time it can get too much.

Try to be selective of what you do. You don’t HAVE TO babysit or see any family members if you don’t have the time or plainly don’t like to. I could have done the rant you did 10 years ago!!

Enjoy the holiday OP. And good luck on the IVF!

I get this absolutely. I think it is very common for people living abroad. I've lived abroad for over 20 years. I used to run around like you describe each time I went back and it was exhausting. Over the years I got a lot better at prioritizing. So I don't see everyone any more and instead just see my closest friends. This means that some friendships have been lost, but that is the cost of living in another country. I usually plan a few days away tacked on either end of the trip or a few days in the middle, where I am actually holidaying somewhere new or relaxing. I'm also very clear that I am not there to be the cleaner/babysitter/whatever. That this is my holiday, not that I have come to give a helping hand.

Pretend you will have to work while your here. That should free up some days to yourself

It must be a a pain to have so many friends and family wanting to keep in touch - maybe next time just come over and not tell anyone ?

As already said, have one get together with friends and family either soon after you arrive or just before you leave. Then you can go away for a few days though at this late date you'll be lucky to find accommodation easily. Good luck finding a compromise.

Maybe if you don't come over the Christmas period would be easier. The journey less crowded, you'd find people more relaxed and there wouldn't the pressure of buying Christmas presents. Easter holidays are usually great and you'd pay much less for the ticket too

On the one hand OP, I get your point, it’s very exhausting, I can relate to that. Especially at this time of year.

On the other hand, though, whst I don’t get is why you go back home at all if it’s such a financial and emotional strain? Do you have to? If you don’t want to spend Christmas in the sunshine, there are places all over the world that will give you a snowy Christmas along with peace and quiet.

Spending Christmas with extended family just for the sake of it is overrated anyway. But honestly, would you feel better if you’d spent the 10K, came home and was ignored by your family until Christmas dinner? I’m honestly curious.

I think if I were you I’d have booked a nice cottage and not told any family I’m back for a week, have a week to myself in order to be ready for the family onslaught!

I get the OP.

The only time I’ve loved away was at Uni. When I came home for the hols it was a mad dash fest getting round everyone. Lovely to see everyone but you NEED a rest.

My idea of a rest is doing fuck all, feet up, book out and no-one disturbing me. I don’t even get that when I’m on holiday.

As for babysitting, what does the OPs sister do when you’re living on the other side of the world. Babysitting a little one is NOT a rest, it’s fucking relentless. Best to see the child with his parents so they can run around all over with him. Bizarre request!