Have I done wrong???

[onepickleonefurryoneannoyance]

Please can someone give me some perspective on this situation?

We have planned a "big" family holiday next year as we have had a little share windfall and want to treat ourselves.

We do regularly have holidays, but this will be a "biggie" and will be our first two week break together for 5 years.

Anyway, years ago, I was discussing taking my own DD to New York when she turned 16, which is not for a while yet. My niece, who was about 18 at the time said "can I come with you then"? I answered "yes, why not"???

Fast forward to last weekend and we had a family gathering. My DD, being excited about the holiday, told the rest of the family where we are going next year.

Later that evening, I get a text from my sister (not my niece) asking if my niece can come on our big holiday with us next year. She is working, so is prepared to pay her own way, but "if she can save up enough, can she come with us"?

I immediately replied saying that I would have to discuss it with my DH. Which I did, when I next saw him. We both agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea for the following reasons:

My DH only sees our niece about 3 times a year to talk to, if that, he hardly knows her anymore.
The family holiday dynamic for us with a teen is completely different to that of a 23 year old.
Our holiday is not a package and we have already paid for a lot of the elements. The only element that has not been paid for yet is the hotel. The flight has already increased in price by £300.
Our niece said she would "save" for the holiday, but we are paying for it straight away and cannot afford to pay for a 4th person and risk paying for a 4th person and then her pulling out.
It is our "special" family holiday and we don't want to share it.

Anyway, I sent (what I thought), was an email explaining most of these elements. I copied in my niece and my sister.

Since then I have had no response whatsoever. I sent my normal evening "hi" message to the pair of them last night and had nothing back.

Have I done wrong? Are they right to be off with me?

No, you have the right to have a family holiday, and decide for yourselves what that means.

Even if disappointed, if they have any reaction other than 'okay' they are heading into CF territory.

I wouldn’t be stung paying for someone to go to New York unless they had the money upfront to pay for it.
I think your sister is a wee bit cheeky asking you if she was invited tbh.

You said your niece could come when originally discussing it, but now even though she has offered to pay you're saying no she can't come.

Whilst I understand you want a family holiday it was very unkind of you to get your nieces hopes up. If you didn't want her tagging along then it should have been a no from the start.

She’s 23, she can go to New York by herself! What a strange girl.

YANBU. And as PP have said it was a bit cheeky of your sister to ask.

You should have discussed it.

She may have just wanted the security of travelling with you and the odd dinner, but was prepared to follow a different itinerary.

You had promised and your DH not knowing her, is irrelevant, really, at this stage.

But I agree that you have the right to your own holiday.

Why would you promise to take her? Is your DD not your DH's bio child and it was before you were with him?

Where are you going? America?

Does the niece see this holiday as a replacement of the NY trip?

"She’s 23, she can go to New York by herself! What a strange girl"

Wanting to go on a holiday that she was promised?

Or not wanting to go on her own?

Nothing strange about either scenario.

It's not at all unreasonable to not want her to go for the reasons you've specifier; or even just because you'd rather she didn't, but you did tell your niece that she was welcome and I think you'll need to suck up some of her disappointment over you rescinding that offer.

Hopefully it'll just blow over after a few days.

She's your niece! How lovely that she wants to go on holiday with you!

I don't think the OP is saying she changed her mind - I understood that the trip to New York and the family holiday are 2 different trips.

Are you going to New York?

OP, tbh MN isn't the best place to discuss Family matters.

Very few posters seem to have no relationship with wider Family and its all about their little family unit.

Have you asked your DD if she'd like her to come?

Assuming you are going to NY, YABU if you don't let her come because you previously said that she could. You knew she'd be 23 when you made the offer.

If your DN asked 5 years ago if she could join you on holiday I don't think that was a promise that you need to stick to now she's asked again. It's cheeky of them to ask in the first place and why would a 23 year old want to go with you? I think it's fair enough to say no for the reasons you explained. It's a special family holiday and she would change the dynamic plus she can't commit to it financially now anyway.

OP, tbh MN isn't the best place to discuss Family matters. Very few posters seem to have no relationship with wider Family and its all about their little family unit.

So you do not feel that the thousands of people on MN are representative of the general public?

I'm a bit confused about the timeline. Is your DD now 16 and is the holiday you are going to now New York, so this is the holiday you had said 'of course' to? Because you imply that your DD is still not yet 16 and therefore this is not the New York holiday, but another holiday?

I think if this is the New York holiday that you said "of course" to, then your niece has a bit of a right to be disappointed - you had told her she would be able to come and she has anticipated her place on this holiday.

If this is not the New York holiday, and you still intend that she can come in the NY holiday, then that's no big deal, just say that.

This isn’t the New York holiday as far as I understand. OP said that was for her daughters 16th and that her daughter is still a few years away from being 16z So this is completely unrelated.

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to not take her with you. Doesn’t matter what the reasons are, to just not want to take someone else on an already planned holiday is fine.

The only thing I would have done differently I think is not have copied your niece in to the email seeing as the only person who’s spoken to you about it is your sister.

You said she could come and now you have said she can’t. I can see why she is upset. Even if it seemed like a throw away comment when she put you on the spot years ago, it obviously meant more to her. But realistically, what were you supposed to say, ‘no dear, it would just be us’? I can see why you would just agree that make an issue of who comes on a hypothetical holiday.

It is tricky as you are entitled to a family holiday without your niece and it is a bit weird that your niece and sister would put you in this position by even asking. Plus even if she pays her own way, in practice it’s very difficult to go as a family and have her paying separately for everything.

It’s your big holiday, it’s a bit strange she even asked really so if you don’t want her to go say no. You will only resent it otherwise. She’s 23, she will get over it and should understand.

I am assuming that you are going to NY. Surely otherwise the information about you agreeing to take her on that trip is irrelevant here.

They are 2 separate trips, OP said niece could come to New York.

She was then asked by her sister if niece come come on family holiday too.

*could come

I am assuming that you are going to NY. Surely otherwise the information about you agreeing to take her on that trip is irrelevant here.

This, surely if it was a separate trip to another country there would have been no need to mention the previous conversation about New York. I took the OP's mention of a windfall to mean the trip to New York was happening sooner than her daughter turning 16, as they had originally planned. Therefore the niece feels upset that she has been told she can't now go, after originally being told she could.

I read that totally differently to other people as I assumed the OP isn't going to New York for two weeks and the neice wanted to join in this holiday as well and that neice had decided whatever they're doing sounds like fun and wants to go and the reason the op included the bit about going to New York was to show that she'd already agreed to taking neice on another holiday so had maybe set a precident by doing that.

Sounds to me like they asked, got back no with reasons and are now accepting it to be honest. Doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, unless you just said no and didn't actually explain why - which isn't very clear from your op.

Ok I may have read it wrong, but if OP is no longer going to NY then she's not going back on anything

How frivolous people are spending Other Peoples money