Have I done wrong???

[onepickleonefurryoneannoyance]

Please can someone give me some perspective on this situation?

We have planned a "big" family holiday next year as we have had a little share windfall and want to treat ourselves.

We do regularly have holidays, but this will be a "biggie" and will be our first two week break together for 5 years.

Anyway, years ago, I was discussing taking my own DD to New York when she turned 16, which is not for a while yet. My niece, who was about 18 at the time said "can I come with you then"? I answered "yes, why not"???

Fast forward to last weekend and we had a family gathering. My DD, being excited about the holiday, told the rest of the family where we are going next year.

Later that evening, I get a text from my sister (not my niece) asking if my niece can come on our big holiday with us next year. She is working, so is prepared to pay her own way, but "if she can save up enough, can she come with us"?

I immediately replied saying that I would have to discuss it with my DH. Which I did, when I next saw him. We both agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea for the following reasons:

My DH only sees our niece about 3 times a year to talk to, if that, he hardly knows her anymore.
The family holiday dynamic for us with a teen is completely different to that of a 23 year old.
Our holiday is not a package and we have already paid for a lot of the elements. The only element that has not been paid for yet is the hotel. The flight has already increased in price by £300.
Our niece said she would "save" for the holiday, but we are paying for it straight away and cannot afford to pay for a 4th person and risk paying for a 4th person and then her pulling out.
It is our "special" family holiday and we don't want to share it.

Anyway, I sent (what I thought), was an email explaining most of these elements. I copied in my niece and my sister.

Since then I have had no response whatsoever. I sent my normal evening "hi" message to the pair of them last night and had nothing back.

Have I done wrong? Are they right to be off with me?

*You were perfectly entitled to say no but I think you've over explained your reasons, in writing, which unfortunately can come across like you sat and thought of a whole list of excuses and almost serves to hammer home a 'we don't want you' message that wasn't really what you intended.

Far better to have phoned and said something like 'Actually we're really looking forward to getting away just us this time, we feel like we need it but we're certainly still planning NY'. Never over explain perfectly normal, reasonable decisions!*

Yes to this!!!

No need for endless pages faffing about NY or not. This is surely just about the social niceties - I think the email to sister and niece copied in is the problem. They're not HR and this isn't work! A quick 'sorry, we'd like this to be just us' and there would be no drama.

(I really do find it odd for a 23 year old to want to go away with aunt, uncle and kid cousin though! Surely that's the age for solo travel or with friends or partners? Not odd for an 18yo to think it's fun, or a girl's trip together though.)

How long ago were the New York holiday plans discussed? And how old is your DD now?

How long ago were the New York holiday plans discussed?

The OP says that NYC was discussed when DN was 18, and is now 23...

send email:
^please tell me you haven't taken the hump over this
I made a vague reply 5 years ago, when N asked if she could come to NY
& I've promised my DD that we will go when she is 16. I am more than happy to take N to NY in a few years time, but her joining us on this holiday just isn't possible.^

You are not wrong.
They really shouldn't have asked in the first place, but since they did, you were well within your rights to say no.
And as she's 23 now, why on earth can't she go by herself, or with friends?

Does your DNiece not go on holiday with her own DP's? Why the need to crash yours ?

Wow, your responses have amazed me.

Right - DN has a "boyfriend" who is a bit of a dick. They have been together for about 3 years and have been away abroad every year since they've been together. DN is now trying to distance herself from her boyfriend as, I suspect, the relationship has run its' course.

DN and my DSIS do not go on holiday together as a family. They haven't ever, as far as I am aware. We took DN away with us for many years, both on her own before our own DD was born and again, when DD came along. This all ended when we had a NIGHTMARE holiday in Cornwall and DN said "never again".

The NY trip was mentioned years ago, as I said, when DN was 18.

I now have had contact from my DSIS, not my DN, saying "okay, we understand, it's fine".

So, that's it!

Oh, I always email my DIS on a daily basis. And my DN. I struggle with telephone conversations, so unless we are actually physically together, our communication is via email and text.

What happened on the Cornwall trip to make you all think 'never again'? It might be worth reminding yourself in case you're ever wavering. not nosy no not at all

Unless you're missing something I don't see why either of them could have got so upset. A girl's trip to NY is different from a big family holiday . Are you extremely close to your niece? Does she have any reason to think she's part of your nuclear family? I get on well with my aunt but can't imagine expecting (or wanting) to go on their family holiday with them, especially as a grown adult.

Reading your update I would be disposed to think about it charitably. Perhaps DN is just having a hard time at the moment and the idea of a really nice family holiday struck her as just the kind of thing she needed. Maybe she feels especially comfortable around you guys. Having got knocked back perhaps she felt a bit crestfallen (perhaps she felt hurt but knew you hadn't done anything wrong) and rather than writing back a hasty reply she might regret decided to keep quiet for the time being.

"DN and my DSIS do not go on holiday together as a family. They haven't ever, as far as I am aware."

That seems odd to me. Why not?

Oh yeah what happened in Cornwall??

Yes. What happened in Cornwall?

Agog with nosiness over Cornwall

Yes, sorry, gonna need to know what happened in Cornwall! (This is a bit like Uncle Bryan & 'that' camping trip! )

Uncle Bryn that is!

I know others are saying differently, but I would never ever hold someone to something they agreed to (almost in passing, looking at what the OP has written) five years ago.

Cornwall!

The trip was in August 2011, so my DD was coming up 6 and my DN was coming up 15. We camped (never ever a good idea). DN hated the world (and us) so it was tension from the word go. Nothing sinister, she just decided that camping wasn't for her (not enough plugs for her straighteners/hairdryer/curling tongs etc). We ended up coming home early as the hassle wasn't worth it.

We have all been together since I posted this and all is fine. DN admitted that she is green with envy about our planned trip but agrees that it is wise that she doesn't come with us this time.

The proposed NY trip in 2021 was discussed and is still planned.....

am more than happy to take my niece to NY in a few years time, but her joining us on this holiday just isn't possible.

It is possible, you just don’t want her to come.

You need to be more careful when discussing plans that you don’t invite people on holidays you’ll later refuse to take them on.

what OP didn’t do that
She agreed to take her niece to NY ( and will still do that). This is a completely different Holiday - Op is under no obligation to take her