Have I done wrong???

[onepickleonefurryoneannoyance]

Please can someone give me some perspective on this situation?

We have planned a "big" family holiday next year as we have had a little share windfall and want to treat ourselves.

We do regularly have holidays, but this will be a "biggie" and will be our first two week break together for 5 years.

Anyway, years ago, I was discussing taking my own DD to New York when she turned 16, which is not for a while yet. My niece, who was about 18 at the time said "can I come with you then"? I answered "yes, why not"???

Fast forward to last weekend and we had a family gathering. My DD, being excited about the holiday, told the rest of the family where we are going next year.

Later that evening, I get a text from my sister (not my niece) asking if my niece can come on our big holiday with us next year. She is working, so is prepared to pay her own way, but "if she can save up enough, can she come with us"?

I immediately replied saying that I would have to discuss it with my DH. Which I did, when I next saw him. We both agreed that it wouldn't be a good idea for the following reasons:

My DH only sees our niece about 3 times a year to talk to, if that, he hardly knows her anymore.
The family holiday dynamic for us with a teen is completely different to that of a 23 year old.
Our holiday is not a package and we have already paid for a lot of the elements. The only element that has not been paid for yet is the hotel. The flight has already increased in price by £300.
Our niece said she would "save" for the holiday, but we are paying for it straight away and cannot afford to pay for a 4th person and risk paying for a 4th person and then her pulling out.
It is our "special" family holiday and we don't want to share it.

Anyway, I sent (what I thought), was an email explaining most of these elements. I copied in my niece and my sister.

Since then I have had no response whatsoever. I sent my normal evening "hi" message to the pair of them last night and had nothing back.

Have I done wrong? Are they right to be off with me?

Well it's kind of relevant for background info x

YANBU.

This is a totally different holiday. If your DD was 16 and you were going to NY, then yes, you would be going back on a promise. But you’re going elsewhere along with your DH.

NY is relevant because it gives the backstory that the niece has already invited herself along on one holiday and now wants to come on another.

Tbh I think she is a cheeky fucker for even asking to go though, you wait for an invite or you don't go you don't just invite yourself on other people's family holidays!

The fact that you said she can come on a girly trip to New York has literally no impact on whether she is invited to this one. We all receive invitations to specific things and don’t expect them to be open ended right?!

You were perfectly entitled to say no but I think you've over explained your reasons, in writing, which unfortunately can come across like you sat and thought of a whole list of excuses and almost serves to hammer home a 'we don't want you' message that wasn't really what you intended.

Far better to have phoned and said something like 'Actually we're really looking forward to getting away just us this time, we feel like we need it but we're certainly still planning NY'. Never over explain perfectly normal, reasonable decisions!

No you've not done wrong, you could remind them you're still going to take DN to NY when DD is 16 as you said you would.

Two weeks is a long time anyway. You could go shopping to ny for a couple of or few days, girls only, when dd is 16.

The only thing you’ve done wrong is over explain the reasons she can’t come to her and your sister.
A simple “ sorry no” would have been fine

our first two week break together for 5 years

Yanbu to refuse for niece to tag along on this family holiday for this reason alone.

Anyway, years ago, I was discussing taking my own DD to New York when she turned 16, which is not for a while yet. My niece, who was about 18 at the time said "can I come with you then"? I answered "yes, why not"???

Vague plans FIVE years ago are not an eternal lifelong promise to anyone, circumstances and feelings change. I once declared I would be marrying a member of Bros, I have now changed my mind many years later, sorry Matt or Luke (can't remember which one now)

My niece, who was about 18 at the time said "can I come with you then"? I answered "yes, why not"???

Even if this had been the New York holiday, a casual "why not" five years ago doesn't equal a promise to take your niece ... since it isn't that same holiday, there's even less to be concerned about

I would, however, be concerned about that "if she can save up enough". You know your niece best of course, but is it realistic that she'd pay for the whole thing or would some subbing be expected?

Anyway, if they push I'd have hoped a simple "that won't work for us" would cover it

I think a king and detailed list of ALL the reasons you dint want her was slight over kill. I sorry but we really wanted this one to just be the three of us, tell her sne needs to get saving for New York in 20XX though might have screamed less NOOOOO, GET AWAY FROM US!

OP, do you intend to offer your DN the chance to go with you to NY with your DD at a later date? Or not?

If you do, then maybe reiterate that - "we'll look at NY at a later date and see what's feasible". But doing this I sent (what I thought), was an email explaining most of these elements. I copied in my niece and my sister was unnecessary and I think has caused bad feeling.

If you'd simply said "oh we've already booked it all but in year x y or z we can investigate that NY trip we talked about" then that would have been much better.

Unless you now no longer intend to ask your niece at all?

I find it odd that the niece would ask to go away with you. Has your sister not taken her away on holiday?

Given how confused we are about the two holidays, is it possible that there has been some miscommunication with the niece and the aunt and yourselves?

Might be worth clarifying that you are, in fact, going on two seperate trips to America, and that your niece is totally welcome on one, but not the other.

Op I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, I’d not want anyone else coming on my family holiday either, they are precious. I think your dn and ds ate a bit cheeky to ask. If you offered, fair enough, but they shouldn’t have asked

Simples, the NY trip is a girlie holiday for DD when she’s 16. DN will have time to save and is welcome to join us. Holiday next year is a family holiday.

I reckon they were hoping you'd pay.

It's a bit weird and cheeky for another relative to ask to hop on to your family holiday, especially one who is a grown adult.

A girls trip to NY is one thing - this is a long family holiday package. You're not remotely unreasonable for saying no.

I hope they don't get their knickers in a twist about it but if they do you can say you're looking forward to NY with the niece but this holiday is already arranged and it's not possible to make changes now.

Do you think your Neice thought you'd decided to go to instead of New York, so was asking to come because she had asked to come to New York? Perhaps when she asked to go to New York, she wasn't asking "Can I come to New York, when you go?" but really, just asking "Can I come on holiday with you, when you go?" So she was jumping at the chance to go on holiday with you.

It was really cheeky of your sister to ask imo, there's a difference between a girls holiday with you and your daughter and a family holiday

You're not being remotely unreasonable. Your sister is for even asking.

Holidays completely change dynamic with another person added, even if they are family.

YANBU at all - you're entitled to want a holiday with your own immediate family.

If you think she's offended, why not start planning the NY trip early. She can start saving up for that (even if you were planning to pay she'll need spends).

She was probably just asking, but if it’s not feasible as long as you let her know then fair enough. Perhaps if she has some spare money but doesn’t want to go travelling on her own and her immediate family don’t go away then she probably just saw a potential opportunity. It is sweet she wants to go with you, so as long as she is told tactfully you aren’t doing anything remotely wrong to say no.

Sounds to me like she wanted a little share in your windfall, by you paying for your niece.