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AIBU?

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Original poster

To keep this a secret from my best friend...

88 replies

PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 11:51

... that I love him as friend and also fancy him rotten. We tell each other everything, except this. We're both in relationships.
He's the one person who could help me make sense of this madness but is also the person I mustn't tell. What would you do?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 26/11/2018 11:58

What would the aim of telling him be?

You need to make a call about your relationship. Do you want to be with your partner? You need to make that call without your friend. If you want to stay with your partner; you're going to have to distance yourself from your friend until this dies down. If you don't want to stay with your partner, you owe them a clean break.

Then your friends' relationship. If you tell him and he doesn't feel the same; you may make it very awkward. If he feels he needs to tell his partner, you might find that you see him a lot less as a result, as it's less of a friendship then.

If he does feel the same; he'd need to consider his options and graciously end his relationship; and you'd likely both need some time.

So; what is your plan here?

Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 12:41

What would the aim of telling him be?
I'm not sure. I just feel terribly sad, anxious and confused about the whole thing and I know that his wisdom and soothing words would make everything better.

OP posts:
overagain · 26/11/2018 12:41

Telling him will irreversibly change (and likely damage) your relationship. If he doesn't feel the same he may feel that he must tell his partner, and it is then likely that the relationship with you will start to dwindle.

Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 12:43

Do you want to be with your partner? I thought that I didn't. If I could wave a magic wand I would be with my friend and everyone else would be happy. But, as it is, it would cause so much pain for everyone else.

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 12:45

Thanks overagain. He's such a good person. I can totally imagine him feeling the need to discuss it st home and then not being allowed to be friends with me. Also, he would feel awkward.

But what if he is feeling the same way?

OP posts:
MaiaRindell · 26/11/2018 12:46

Do you think he feels the same about you?

greendale17 · 26/11/2018 12:48

You would only be telling him to see what his reaction is and if he felt the same.

If he doesn’t where would that leave your friendship?

Don’t do it.

InDubiousBattle · 26/11/2018 12:50

Has he ever given you any indication that he feels the same way?

OlennasWimple · 26/11/2018 12:53

The decent thing would be to end your relationship with your partner first. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with them, not as a backup / place marker until you pluck up courage to talk to your best friend

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 26/11/2018 12:53

Don't gamble what you're not willing to lose.

christmaschristmaschristmas · 26/11/2018 13:08

I worry that you'll tell him, ruin your relationship but also ruin your friendship as he may not feel the same way.

Tread carefully op.

crochetmonkey74 · 26/11/2018 13:10

If he's settled with his partner and happy, then he will choose her over you - so be careful OP - you have a lot to lose here unless you absolutely know that it would be a positive outcome

morningconstitutional2017 · 26/11/2018 13:13

Could you just tell him that you're in love with someone without specifying that it's him? Add that you feel confused, conflicted and sad. OTOH try to imagine how you'll feel about this in six months time. It will probably have faded away.

I've had crushes on people even though I was happily married. I said nowt and eventually it all faded away into nothingness. Least said, soonest mended. Try not to fret. Many of us have been there.

akerman · 26/11/2018 13:14

Like others I think you need to be cautious. You seem to be unhappy at the moment and those are the times when it's easy to confuse needing someone emotionally for fancying them. That's what I've found anyway. Sometimes I've thought I liked someone romantically and looking back afterwards have realised that I was responding to their kindness and warmth, not to any kind of chemistry.

But that's just me and obviously I don't have access to your feelings. Just - if I'd acted on how I felt it would have gone nowhere except to cause enormous pain and upset for everyone.

WorraLiberty · 26/11/2018 13:18

Going by your last few threads, I think you need to split up with your husband and spend some time alone.

You seem to be very much in love with the idea of being in love.

BarryTheKestrel · 26/11/2018 13:19

I've been there. Don't do it OP.

My closest male friend told me he was in love with me, despite us both being in happy relationships. I'd got over my crush on him in college and spent many years fostering a friendship only relationship. It threw everything into turmoil whilst I figured out my own feelings about him and my own relationship.

It's taken years to build our friendship back up after a few years of not talking because of it. I still can't trust him as much as I did as I don't know if he's over it or not.

Don't jeopardise your friendship or relationship unless you are sure he feels the same.

3timeslucky · 26/11/2018 13:20

Your poor partner ... clearly a second best while you're in love with someone else. Doesn't seem very fair on him. Are you happy to spend your life with your "second choice" and this unspoken love for your bf? Would you end your relationship and tell your bf that you've ended it because you're in love with someone else? When he inevitably asks who, what happens if you say he's in a relationship already and you don't know what to do because you're afraid you will lose his friendship if you say anything? That gives you some integrity and him an opportunity to tell you if he feels the same - and also if he does, to do the decent thing and leave his partner before getting involved with you. But you still run the risk of the losing or at the very least changing the friendship.

ShotsFired · 26/11/2018 13:21

I spent a long time (years) with an almighty crush on a man I knew. Honest to god he was everything to me. I was crushed (pun unintended) when he told me he had met someone.

Looking back on that time, i see now what I was really craving was love, and he - admittedly exceedingly handsome and lovely - became my focus for that. If I had him, I subconsciously reasoned, I'd have all the love I needed.

Also looking back, I can see how exceedingly unmatched we would have been, and it wouldn't have worked and our friendship would have been ruined.

Is it possible you are in a similar situation OP?

EmeraldShamrock · 26/11/2018 13:21

Once it is said out loud, it can't be put back. You're both in relationships. Has he DC too.
After reading your previous thread on this, I think this will be a disaster.

Wheresthebeach · 26/11/2018 13:22

What are you hoping to gain?

That he feels the same way and you both fall into each others arms?

If you don't love your other half have the decency to end the relationship now. If your 'friend' becomes romantically free then by all means pursue it, but while he's in a relationship leave him alone.

It seems like you want the security of knowing he'll be there if you leave your partner. No way to treat either of the men in your life.

Seriously your partner deserves to be someone's first choice, not just a comfort while you fantasise about another man.

CaliHummers · 26/11/2018 13:26

I just feel terribly sad, anxious and confused about the whole thing and I know that his wisdom and soothing words would make everything better.

They wouldn't though. He can't offer dispassionate words of wisdom if you tell him you're attracted to him. You'd just throw a bomb into your relationship with your friend and your relationship with your partner. Potentially your friend's relationship with his partner too.

I would sit back and assess your own relationship first. Once you've worked that out you'll be better placed to think about how you feel about your friend.

daisychain01 · 26/11/2018 13:29

Are you planning to act on your feelings, if you decide to tell your friend? It sounds like you want to bring things to a head.

If so, you need to do the decent thing and get out of the relationship you're in. Anything else and you're living a lie, to your partner, to this friend, and to yourself.

Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 13:30

MaiaRindell I think he's very fond of me. I don't know how he feels. Sometimes I think he feels the same but maybe that's just me projecting. Either way, we have become very close friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 13:30

It would possibly ruin our friendship greendale17.

OP posts:
Original poster
PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 13:33

He's never said anything really InDubiousBattle but there are small signs. He says he's never had such intimate chats with anyone before, he tells me that he really likes me as a person, he says that I'm beautiful (indirectly), he calls me a lot, I seem to make him happy, he keeps smiling when we part. Just small signs that could mean nothing.

OP posts:
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