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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep this a secret from my best friend...

88 replies

PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 11:51

... that I love him as friend and also fancy him rotten. We tell each other everything, except this. We're both in relationships.
He's the one person who could help me make sense of this madness but is also the person I mustn't tell. What would you do?

OP posts:

Limpetry · 26/11/2018 13:33

I just feel terribly sad, anxious and confused about the whole thing and I know that his wisdom and soothing words would make everything better.

You're deluding yourself, OP. He might be reliably able to offer 'wisdom and soothing words' about a work crisis, or when your cat went missing, or your mother had to have surgery, but I guarantee you he is not going to be able to to say 'there, there, dear' and clucking soothingly like Clare Rayner about you being in love with him. And I notice that you blame his partner for him potentially 'not being allowed' to see you again -- he might well not want to see you again of his own accord. The man has a mind of his own.

As others have said, the only reason you want to tell him is to hear that he feels the same way about you. Do you have any indication that he does? And you need to stop treating your partner like a fallback. That person deserves for you to make a decision about them regardless of your friend.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/11/2018 13:37

Telling your BFF will irretrievably alter your relationship, or may end it altogether.

You need to figure out what's 'missing' in your relationship. Then decide to do something about it, like getting counseling. It may be that this 'crush' on your BFF is a result of you compensating for something lacking in your current relationship. And that working that through will allow you to put the crush in its proper place, or it may disappear. Or it may happen that you discover you need to end your current relationship. But you need to leave BFF (and his relationship) OUT of your decisions regarding your own relationship.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 26/11/2018 13:37

Do your partner a favour and leave him, whether your mate feels the same way or not. You obviously don't feel the way you should about him.
Be aware that if you tell your friend your feelings it will probably mean the end of the friendship. His loyalty should be with his partner and not you.

TwistedStitch · 26/11/2018 13:40

Is this the married colleague who you were posting about recently who is leaving your workplace? If so you stated that he is happy with his wife and children. Leave him be, and don't continue contact when he leaves. Work out what you want to do about your own marriage separately.

MissRhubarb · 26/11/2018 13:43

How long have you both been with your respective partners? Is your best friend married to or living with his partner, or are we talking about more casual relationships/dating here?

3timeslucky · 26/11/2018 13:44

This is a married man with kids who you happen to work with? That's new info (to me). Leave well alone! And if he's leaving your workplace you have the perfect opportunity to put him behind you and move on.

newyorkartist · 26/11/2018 13:44

He says he's never had such intimate chats with anyone before, he tells me that he really likes me as a person, he says that I'm beautiful (indirectly), he calls me a lot, I seem to make him happy, he keeps smiling when we part. Just small signs that could mean nothing.

I think your 'best friend' is playing games with you and enjoying the attention. Unless you back away I think this will all blow up in your face, taking your current relationship with it. When the dust settles, your new crush will be nowhere to be seen.

newyorkartist · 26/11/2018 13:46

Ugh, god, yes. If this is marriages we're talking about, everyone needs to grow up.

Theyprobablywill · 26/11/2018 13:48

I've done an advanced search on your name. Leave the poor man alone. He is married with children and you shouldn't even think about going there.

And consider getting some help for yourself.

MissRhubarb · 26/11/2018 13:49

Ah, ok I looked at your post history. You are married and also posted about your husband and two young children. You were thinking about whether you should leave your husband because you aren't attracted to him any more.

I would say that this is your real issue here. This friend is likely a symptom not the cause.

C8H10N4O2 · 26/11/2018 13:49

Is this the same man to whom you are attracted but is leaving your company? If so will his departure at least remove the immediate difficulty of proximity? Once you are not seeing him every day the feelings might change.

As you both have families unless his marriage is also ending it is only going to cause more disruption to pursue it. Even if his is also ending that is not the best time to pursue new relationships - you will have so much to manage with the upheaval around you both and the children.

As he is leaving your proximity I would recommend take a break.

oohyoudevilyou · 26/11/2018 14:08

You're both in relationships with other people, so there's no point whatsoever in potentially ruining your friendship or upsetting your respective partners. Just forget it, and avoid him until you've got over this crush. If you feel the same at some point in the future, when you're both single, that's the time to consider making your feelings known.

crimsonlake · 26/11/2018 14:16

Grow up, this is the second thread you have started concerning this. What are you hoping to achieve, you have already had good advice previously. Stop living in cloud cuckoo land.

ferrisbulerisonabreak · 26/11/2018 14:20

You are both in relationship with other people. Put your feelings aside and think how is it going to affect them as well.

I had a friend like you. She got really infatuated by a mutual friend. She would read into actions and signs despite him telling her that he just thinks of her as a friend. It made it very hard for him and very uncomfortable for me as she then would come to me saying that he loves her and doesn't show it. I would gently tell her that it was her who was mistaken but you can't force someone to change their feelings.

I think you need to take a break from your friend. It's not doing you any good and if it carries on like this, it might affect his relationship as well. On the other hand if he doesn't feel what you feel then you will not only loose your friendship but also your relationship. Or maybe take a break from both, go somewhere and try to figure out whether you want to be in your current relationship or not. Even then, I wouldn't say anything to your friend. If he felt the way you feel then he would have taken some action and told you clearly. If he can't then he is considering his partner's feelings. Why can't you do the same?

EmeraldShamrock · 26/11/2018 14:23

Do your DH a favour and leave him to meet someone who respects him.
Your friend probably likes a little flirt, he will more likely want a seedy affair or he will reject you. I doubt it will be a fairy tale love forever after.
Do the decent thing and be honest with your DH.

ferrisbulerisonabreak · 26/11/2018 14:26

Just read that you both are married? !!! Leave him alone and get a grip woman. He might as well just think of you as a friend. Your problem is your own relationship. You are not satisfied with it and going to someone else who doesn't even feel that way about you. You will ruin many lives if you keep on like this. What are you trying to achieve? get some couples therapy. Falling out of love is no reason to leave your husband. There is something called loyalty if you have ever heard of it. Faith, integrity, loyalty and respect are the main aspects of relationship. Love comes and goes.

BlancheM · 26/11/2018 14:28

How long have you been best friends? Or do you mean you've met someone and the boundaries are now blurred?

BlancheM · 26/11/2018 14:30

It sounds like you're having an emotional affair.

EmeraldShamrock · 26/11/2018 14:31

When he calls you lots, is it work related calls? Would he call you personally after hours for a chat? Are you in a senior position to him? Without trying to be rude I think you have built up a fantasy in your mind.

OneStepMoreFun · 26/11/2018 15:06

How long have you been 'best friends'? Since before you met your partners or after?

Rudgie47 · 26/11/2018 15:11

You don't need to tell him anything, he'll know. People always know if someone fancies them.

thecatsarecrazy · 26/11/2018 15:24

Unless you plan on being in a relationship keep it to yourself.. I wish i had.

Original poster

PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 18:07

In answer to the questions...
I'm married with 2 sons. He is also married with 2 children.
He calls me after we have left the office sometimes. Initially about work but then we quickly move on to non-work topics.
I am not his boss.
We met at work and became close friends after we got married to other people.
We don't just talk about work issues. We discuss all sorts of things.

My reason for posting was to ask whether I should tell him or not. As we're close friends it feels wrong to keep this big secret from him but I don't want to cause any trouble for anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

PocketRocket83 · 26/11/2018 18:08

I don't think it's an EA BlancheM. Wouldn't we have had to have spoken about feelings for that to be the case?

OP posts:

TwistedStitch · 26/11/2018 18:14

Why would you tell him when he has said he is happily married? Why would you want to burden your friend like that or make him uncomfortable? The only reason I can think is that you are hoping he will reciprocate.

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