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Original poster

Is this neglect

92 replies

Barneythedinosaur · 26/11/2018 10:21

NC because I don't know if she is on here. Sorry if it's long, want to try and make sure I don't miss anything.

Dsis1 has a daughter, she's almost 8. Dsis1 split with dds dad about a year ago and moved back in with parents.

Dd was an accident, unintentional, and dsis regrets having her. Dsis1 has said multiple times that she never wanted kids, will never have any more, only had dd due to accident/ mistake, wishes she'd not had her, has no maternal/ any feeling for her at all.

Dsis1 is regularly out late at night. She works until 8pm 4 days a week, so parents or my other sister (dsis2) look after dn (I live 20m away and dsis2 lives round the corner). However, dsis1 doesn't go home after work most days. She stays out until 11/12pm without telling parents/dsis2, won't answer her phone, is pretty much uncontactable. She often says to dm can you look after dn for a few minutes, I need to nip to the shops then only goes home 3 hours later. She never puts dn to bed, dn is left with a DVD to watch until whenever she falls asleep.

Meals are left to my parents, dsis1 often goes out or orders herself a takeaway then asks dm what she is going to feed dn.
Dn has very bad teeth as dsis1 won't help her brush them and never has. If you ask dn, quite often she hasn't brushed her teeth for days as dsis1 never asks her to.
Dsis2 has dn Friday evenings quite often so dsis1 can go out (She feels bad for my parents as if she didn't have dn, dsis1 would go out anyway leaving dn with our parents again). Dsis1 never sends clothes for dn, so dsis2 dresses her in her daughter's clothes, including underwear. Dsis2 has told me that she's been at our parents on a Tuesday/ Wednesday, and dn is still wearing the knickers dsis2 gave her, and when she's asked dn she hasn't had them washed in between, just hasn't changed them.

Dsis1 won't help dn with her homework, when dn asks dsis1 tells her to shut up because she doesn't want to listen to her and the homework can be done another time. I've never seen dsis1 play with dn whenever I've been there, dm and dsis2 say she doesn't. The most they do together is watch a movie.
Dn misses out on family days unless we take her, dsis1 will never come on days out or even to the park and refuses to take dn. A lot of dns clothes are too small, and she only has 2 pairs of shoes- black trainers and boots. She wears the trainers for school as she doesn't have school shoes.

When I see them together, I only ever see dsis1 being irritated with dn, complaining at her or telling her off even if she doesn't appear to have done anything wrong. I'm not sure if dn sees that she's treated differently to her cousins, but I'm sure she will as she gets older. She's starting to play up and misbehave a bit for attention.

Is this neglect? It doesn't sit right with me, but dn is fed and clothed and played with, just never by her mother. My parents resent having to look after dn, but they do it because they say otherwise she wouldn't be looked after and would miss out on everything.

OP posts:
Letsmoveondude · 26/11/2018 10:28

She obviously doesn’t want to parent her child and yes, I’d say neglectful.

Does your Dsis have a drinking problem?

It really doesn’t sound like your DN is very cared for.

NottonightJosepheen · 26/11/2018 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

steff13 · 26/11/2018 10:31

Yes, it's neglect. Would your niece be better off with her father?

greendale17 · 26/11/2018 10:33

It doesn't sit right with me, but dn is fed and clothed and played with, just never by her mother. My parents resent having to look after dn

^I feel so sorry for this child. No one wants her.

Littlechocola · 26/11/2018 10:35

Dsis 2 sounds more like a mother figure.

You need to do something op, it’s so sad.

whatsthepointthen · 26/11/2018 10:35

where is the father in all of this?

Original poster
Barneythedinosaur · 26/11/2018 10:37

I don't think she had a drinking problem. I think it's more that she's young and all her friends are out having fun with no responsibilities and she wishes she was the same. She was only 16 when she had dn.

Me, dsis2 and parents try to make sure dn is looked after. Dsis2 plays with her a lot, and looks after her a lot. I go round weekly to play with her, I help her with homework and read with her and things, and parents do what they can.

josepheen do you know how I would go about it? It's only been clear how dn is treated since dsis1 moved back in with parents, and at first we weren't sure if it was to do with her breakup. Over the months it's became clear that it's just how she treats dn though, and she has since told us about how she wishes she didn't have a child.
I just want dn to be safe and happy, but I'm not sure what to do to ensure that

OP posts:
Drycleanonly7 · 26/11/2018 10:40

Please call Social Services and speak directly to them about your concerns. Why hasn't the family done this before. The girl is experiencing emotional and physical neglect over a prolonged period of time. Unwashed clothes; unbrushed teeth, constant shouting. Please help her.

Original poster
Barneythedinosaur · 26/11/2018 10:40

Father doesn't see dn or pay maintenance (or want to). Has drug issues, is a dealer and involved with some very dodgy people.
Dn is better off without him tbh.

greendale I don't mean my parents don't want her as such, just that they've raised their children and it shouldn't be their responsibility. Dsis1 puts upon them a lot. She just leaves the house without telling them so they look after dn 80% of the time with no warning. They want to be grandparents, not parents again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barneythedinosaur · 26/11/2018 10:41

Would social services do anything if there are other family involved who can and do help?

OP posts:
steff13 · 26/11/2018 10:42

That poor little girl. Maybe she'd be better off in foster care.

whatsthepointthen · 26/11/2018 10:42

why cant you as a family help then?, i wouldnt be calling ss on my own sister tbh, she was only
a child when she had her.

WellThisIsShit · 26/11/2018 10:47

Would anyone in your side of the family be prepared to take on this child permanently?

Because that’s what is needed, instead of propping up the situation as it is, as although these actions may be being done out of a positive intention, to be frank, all your family are doing are perpetuating a situation in which this child is being damaged and harmed in front of you all.

If no one wants to take this child on your side of the family, what about the father and his side? I think you need to get social services involved as well, to sort this sorry mess out, they may be able to help get this mother to behave more like a mother... or not, who knows?

Missingstreetlife · 26/11/2018 10:59

Surely someone in the family can take her to the dentist, buy her some cheap clothes etc. The homework and day to day stuff is more worrying. She is being neglected. A family meeting would be good if relationships will stand it. Someone needs to take responsibility. If you can't make a plan where someone steps up, or this child is shared in a more reliable way the contact social services

Missingstreetlife · 26/11/2018 11:00

Aren't school concerned?

fruitbrewhaha · 26/11/2018 11:01

This is really upsetting to read, your poor niece.

I'm surprised your parents aren't helping more. I know they shouldn't have to but why aren't they putting her to bed, washing her, washing her clothes.

You must call Social Services. I imagine once they have accessed the situation they will be asking if family can take her on full time.

BlackrockMum · 26/11/2018 11:03

yes this is neglect and not just by your sis, I feel so sorry for the child, especially when you say her grandparents are resenting her and want just to be grandparents, they should just throw their useless 24 year old out. They are allowing and in fact enabling their daughter to treat their grandchild this way. I appreciate it shouldn't be their responsibility, but this is a little girl needs looking after , how can they stand back and not pack her a bag of clothes ,or make sure she changes her clothes , or let their daughter shout at her, someone said earlier somebody needs to step up fro this child permanently, if none of you can, then let the professionals do their best since she had two useless parents

GoldenHoops · 26/11/2018 11:06

Has anyone actually confronted your sister?

Brimstonenotfire · 26/11/2018 11:10

Yes your sister is neglecting her but tbh to a degree so are your parents.

The have ended up in position of carers (whether wanted or not) and yet are leaving her in dirty pants for days at a time and watching as she wears unfitting clothes and shoes etc.

If they couldn’t step up and provide this sort of care to a decent level they should have called SS sometime ago.

But you must call SS now. Tell your DSis you are doing so and do it. It’s appalling this kid is being treated this way.

I’m a bit surprised school haven’t already flagged it up.

HugoBearsMummy · 26/11/2018 11:15

Report her to SS. DH was terribly neglected, & eventually abused by parents/family members & pushed from pillar to post within his "family". I don't think he'd be the person he is today if he wasn't brought up in care away from the vile people who "raised" him till he was 5... And that was too long as his emotional scars sometimes affect his adult life now.
There are plenty of young mothers who have their children at 16 that do not neglect their children so the Dsis age doesn't come in to it. Seems like she receives a lot of support from parents & must know right from wrong in terms of a child's welfare.
People shouldn't automatically expect Grandparents to drop everything and look after a Grandchild, like the OP says, they've had their children & it's not their responsibility!
Best outcome would be for the child to be fostered/adopted in to a loving family, with access to visits with Grandparents/Aunts so that family bonds remain established with the people that DO care about her.

BrieAndChilli · 26/11/2018 11:16

i think the problem will be is that your niece lives with her grandparents as well as her mother so isnt in any immediate danger, the grandparents make sure she is safe and fed and warm, I think SS would look to the grandparents to be highly involved in her care to support your sister but from the sound of it its not likely she will step up.
Before you involve SS i think your whole family needs to decide on what you want to happen. would either you or your DSis take on your niece full time? would you parents take her on full time and be fully responisble for everything - homework, teeth etc?
or would it be best for her to go into foster care rather than this half and half of neglect from mother and care and love from rest of family?

Losingthechubrub · 26/11/2018 11:16

Would your sis accept help if it was available? Your local children's centre might be able to offer support/parenting classes but they're a consent-based service so they couldn't do anything without her agreeing to it. Poor kid

steppemum · 26/11/2018 11:17

while your dsis is definitely neglecting the DN, I am a bit shocked at your parents.

So, child in the house, parent not parenting her, and they don't wash her clothes, give her clean knickers, put her to bed, help her brush her teeth?

they are also neglecting her. She may not be their responsibility, but when she is at their house and dsis is out, why don;t hey step in and get her to brush her teeth and put her to bed?

I cannot imagine grandparents who have a child int he house in the same dirty clothes for 4 days and just ignore!

drspouse · 26/11/2018 11:18

Would social services do anything if there are other family involved who can and do help?
If their help isn't getting things up to a required standard, then yes, they probably would.
Are your parents not pushing homework/teeth brushing/changing and washing clothes because they aren't fully capable of doing this or because they don't see it as their job (when your sis1 is in the house physically) or because your sis1 refuses to let them do it when she is in the house?

If they don't see it as their job - then a SW may want them to decide whether they are going to be fully responsible or not involved - or may want the grandparents to get support if your dsis1 won't step up and engage with support.
If it's due to them not being capable, or your sis1 not letting them, it may mean that either sis1 gets her act together or your DN goes into foster care (i.e. if she's not living with anyone that can put her first whether that's due to not being capable or what).
Would you or Dsis2 have DN to live with you? That may be suggested.

drspouse · 26/11/2018 11:19

I cannot imagine grandparents who have a child int he house in the same dirty clothes for 4 days and just ignore!

There may be reasons - that's why I've just asked why this happens.