AIBU overstayed my welcome and feel awkward

[Needadvice101]

Hi all
My “uncle and aunt” (not actually related but culturally have to call them that) have always wanted me to come and stay with them and so I arranged to stay at theirs for 10 days.

They welcomed me with open arms but towards the end of the stay I’ve felt increasingly unwelcome. I’m made to feel like I shouldn’t be eating all their food when in reality they have offered me left overs they have actually mostly picked up from parties (and always offered), i have cooked a large meal for them which are also being eaten as left overs still, ive mostly eaten out, I paid the best part of $80 when out with their daughter and son in law for lunch/dinner. I have also bought some of my own groceries such as milk, eggs, snacks.

I’ve tried to help with tasks I can, stayed out of their way when in the house, arranged my own activities, clean up after myself, brought my own towels, do a lot of their endless mounds of washing up as well as loading the dishwasher which no one seems to want to do.

I’ve kept myself entertained during the days but they have been kind enough to give me lifts into town (20 miles away) as there is zero public transport where I have eaten a big lunch so not really needed dinner and I’ve also visited another town which was an overnight stay away from their place.

I feel uneasy as I was asked when am I leaving on day 8 which I replied in two days but now I’m really keen to go. In context I have two friends (including them) of my parents that live here and I did give notice of my coming here but not months and months.

Ten days is such a long time to have guests, even nice ones. They should have said they didn’t want you for that long, but it can be very difficult to say so. For future reference, anything more than a week is really too long for a home visit (and a week is pushing it!). They are rude for being hostile to you though.

How far away are they from you? Did you ask them how long they can host you for?

Did you speak to them about the length of time you would be staying for? Or did you literally rock up and then tell them it’s 10days? If I invited someone to stay, I would be talking about a weekend...not 10days!

Thanks for the reply... I was thinking that.

I asked if it was ok yes in terms of length of time. It’s a ten-eleven hour flight away so yes it’s a little too far to go for less than a week.

I haven’t seen them in over 20 years and they’ve wanted me to come for the last two years.

Usually I travel with my partner or friends and we book hotels so this has been unusual for me.

I think it's just a long time.

We've had a number of transatlantic visitors this year and whilst it's so lovely to see them (relatives) towards the end of their visits I can't wait to have the house back to ourselves particularly when we're at work and they're on their holidays,then i'm very sad when they go.

In your situation can you change the scenario somehow so that the overall trip has happy memories. Offer to take them out for a meal or cook for them on your last evening.

As in this is another country- tbh I’m leaving tomorrow morning even though my flight is evening as I can’t waste another minute here and my other Aunts so is coming to take me out for rest of the evening

It’s my first time in this country so has tainted my experience but once again I have been invited previously many times and they said they would be offended if I didn’t stay with them.

Expecting somebody to put you up for ten days is ludicrous! I am not surprised that they are fed up with you, no matter how fond of you they are. Two or three days is the limit for most. It also doesn't really sound like you have been making a fair contribution for such a long stay. YABVU.

Thanks rookiemere but I’ve done the cooking thing already and I just want to go now- I’ve also given a gift each to the hosts at the start of the visit.

Alfie what would be a fair contribution- as I said they have suggested I come and stay with them I couldn’t really come here for less than a week!

I don't think 10 days is unreasonable for a place that's a 10 hour flight away, tbh. It would need to be at least a week and 10 days is fine. But it does sound as though they hadn't really thought through what it means to have a guest for that length of time and how to look after you best.

No I think you're fair enough then to go out with someone else.
Guess it's just one to chalk up to experience.
I'm not overly fond of staying at people's houses- like to limit visits to a couple of nights max.

It certainly doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, but 10 days is just a long time for some people, even if they didn't anticipate it would be an issue.

I love my family and friends, but playing hostess for more than 2/3 days can feel very draining!

Alfie your assertion that 10 days is ludicrous is ridiculous. My DH and I have happily put up friends for two weeks. Everyone is different.

That’s why I’ve tried to stay out of their way- it’s 9 days as I’m leaving tomorrow first thing. I guess I thought I could just use public transport to be out most days but there isn’t any which no one warned me about

I don’t think yabu after taking an 11 hour flight to plan to stay for 10 days but people can be funny especially if they

Next time a bit more research so you know how much you’re asking of someone, and if it’s a very distant country by all means go for 10 days but break it up with a few days travelling in the middle or at the end so that you still get a decent trip but aren’t imposing on them so much.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I think your relatives have just underestimated how difficult it can be having guests for that long - especially when you haven’t seen them in years. Thank them profusely when you leave and bear this experience in mind next time you stay with family.

Despite my earlier reply about it being draining to be hostess, I really don't think you should feel awkward or bad in any way! These people invited you to visit and were aware of how long you'd be staying. It sounds like you've been respectful of their home and you've made sure to do your own thing where possible. I don't think either party's massively in the wrong here - it just hasn't quite worked out as you might have hoped.

I stayed with friends in a different country for 3 week earlier this year. Was great til those last few days when we all started wanting our own routines back again. But we didn’t fall out over it.

YANBU-I found the comment by Alfie just weird. You have clearly tried really hard to contribute as much as possible. It may be that 10 days was too long, but they are hardly covering themselves in glory by being openly resentful. They made a poor decision and now want to pass the blame for that. Don't feel bad, we all live and learn.

No I agree, as I said I have never stayed at someone’s place for that long as just realised what a drain it can be! I’m sticking to hotels in future but to be fair these are friends of my parents who have been asking me to come for years so that’s why didn’t think it through plus I meant to stay with my other aunt (my god mother) to break up the visit and she let me down last minute.

I think the difficulty with this arrangement is you were invited as a guest so they would want to host and welcome you but 10 days is too long to sustain that.

I could put up with someone for that long if they had their own keys and sorted themselves out like a lodger.

I wouldn't want to talk to anyone for 10 evenings, it is tiring but if someone has flown that far to see me, it would feel rude not to.

Placemarking as I’m about to do something similar soon but feel awkward.

You havent done anything wrong. Its hard havimg guests and hard staying with people, but you havent made some sort of faux pas. They offered, you came. Everyone's starting to need their own space now.

They know there is no public transport so they know what’s involved when they invite guests. It’s totally normal to expect someone to stay 10days- 2 weeks if they are going to a new country that it’s over a ten-hour flight away.