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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU overstayed my welcome and feel awkward

82 replies

Needadvice101 · 25/11/2018 22:18

Hi all
My “uncle and aunt” (not actually related but culturally have to call them that) have always wanted me to come and stay with them and so I arranged to stay at theirs for 10 days.

They welcomed me with open arms but towards the end of the stay I’ve felt increasingly unwelcome. I’m made to feel like I shouldn’t be eating all their food when in reality they have offered me left overs they have actually mostly picked up from parties (and always offered), i have cooked a large meal for them which are also being eaten as left overs still, ive mostly eaten out, I paid the best part of $80 when out with their daughter and son in law for lunch/dinner. I have also bought some of my own groceries such as milk, eggs, snacks.

I’ve tried to help with tasks I can, stayed out of their way when in the house, arranged my own activities, clean up after myself, brought my own towels, do a lot of their endless mounds of washing up as well as loading the dishwasher which no one seems to want to do.

I’ve kept myself entertained during the days but they have been kind enough to give me lifts into town (20 miles away) as there is zero public transport where I have eaten a big lunch so not really needed dinner and I’ve also visited another town which was an overnight stay away from their place.

I feel uneasy as I was asked when am I leaving on day 8 which I replied in two days but now I’m really keen to go. In context I have two friends (including them) of my parents that live here and I did give notice of my coming here but not months and months.

OP posts:
Grilledaubergines · 25/11/2018 23:03

Expecting somebody to put you up for ten days is ludicrous! I am not surprised that they are fed up with you,

Not ludicrous in the slightest, just not suited to everyone. Including you obviously. The OP didn’t expect, she asked and her aunt and uncle could have said no. And to say they are fed up of the OP is just nasty.

OP, sometimes if people aren’t used to having guests, they can under estimate the impact of another person in the house. I’ve had family stay frequently, the longest being for just in excess of 6 months. It was tough, I won’t lie. I don’t live in a massive house so their presence, whilst lovely in the main, was felt very much, in terms of belongings everywhere, extra cooking, washing etc. Although it sounds as if you’ve pulled your weight as much as you can in another person’s home.

popcornwizard · 25/11/2018 23:05

Another time plan to stay the first and last couple of days/nights and do your own thing for the week in the middle. I would tire of hosting for 10 days, however much I liked the guest.

Weathermonger · 25/11/2018 23:11

It may be as older people they are a little more stuck in a routine, and as much as they loved seeing you, maybe they weren't prepared for a disruption. That doesn't mean you have done anything wrong though.

jacks11 · 25/11/2018 23:11

It sounds like your aunt/uncle (family friends) hadn't anticipated what it would be like to have a guest over an extended period and are finding it hard going, but it's not particularly pleasant for you that they are making it so obvious. That's not great behaviour and it does sound like you've done quite a lot to help about the house/contributing to meals and so on.

As it's such a long way, the visit was always going to be longer- but you were invited and did check that the length of time would be ok before booking. It sounds like your aunt/uncle had a reasonable amount of notice too, so it's not like it was sprung upon them at the last minute.

They also insisted they would be offended if you didn't stay with them, so can't really complain that you then did exactly as they had insisted upon. Perhaps they really meant they would be offended if you didn't stay with them for some of the time you were visiting, rather than all of it? If that were the case, they really ought to have said when you asked if the 10 day stay was fine with them.

Overall, on balance I think they are probably the ones who've got it wrong

BigChocFrenzy · 25/11/2018 23:17

So long as it was agreed in advance, then your family are just poor hosts who didn't plan properly

When my cousin visited from the North, it was for 4 days
Friends from another European country is normally 10 days
When we had visitors from the US, it was a month !

Final thought - any incompatibility such as

smoking / non-smoking
vegan / omnivore
night owl / dawn chorus
getting up a lot in the night
?

GabsAlot · 25/11/2018 23:24

i know how u feel

years ago we (parents and sis) were in america on holiday-dm's cousins said please come up and see us its a co9uple of hours flight away

we got there and first thing rthey said was where u staying then

my parents just ooked at each other and said no idea we just go here-felt embarraqsed and stayed in the nearest motel he could find-never spoke to them again

some people ask u to stay then have a complete turnaround and make u feel awkward

Ontheboardwalk · 25/11/2018 23:24

Ah you’ve done nothing wrong. 10 days however is a longtime no matter who it is.

Buy some choice, flowers, takeaways for the last couple of days and thank them for your stay

GabsAlot · 25/11/2018 23:25

its not the same scenario i know but i do feel for u op

brizzledrizzle · 25/11/2018 23:35

It's a long time to have house guests for but if you have a 10-11 hour flight then they must have expected at least a week, it's too far for a weekend (though I did do a 10 hour flight for a weekend once - I worked at an airport and got a standby flight overnight and was back at work on the Monday having flown back overnight on the Sunday!)

PerspicaciaTick · 25/11/2018 23:45

No matter how lovely and considerate the guest, sharing your home with a visitor can be a bit of a strain. They may have been delighted to host you and loved seeing you - but I bet they will heave a sign of relief when they get their house back to themselves...and this applies to any visitor for almost any length of time. It sounds like you have been a wonderful guests and I doubt this about you specifically or that they meant to be unwelcoming.

loubluee · 25/11/2018 23:54

I think they thought when they asked you to visit it would be 2/3 days, not 10 days.

ILoveHumanity · 25/11/2018 23:59

Perhaps next time you visit someone like that stay with them for 3 days then sort yourself out an airbnb.

I know in some cultures they resist and get “offended”, but just insist that you have plans or what not and perhaps come back 2 days before you travel as a goodbye gesture.

Give them a break in the middle.

It’s totslly not your fault, they sound like they pressured you to not go elsewhere. But I would have this as a plan for any other visits and insist.

ILoveHumanity · 26/11/2018 00:03

Having said that in some cultures it becomes almost impossible to do that, yes they expect you to somehow over compensate for being hosted.

If push comes to shove, just shower them with generosity at the very end so they feel less resentful

perfectstorm · 26/11/2018 00:07

Expecting somebody to put you up for ten days is ludicrous! I am not surprised that they are fed up with you, no matter how fond of you they are. Two or three days is the limit for most.

When someone lives in the same country, sure. When it's a long-haul flight, or even a medium haul, 10 to 14 days is normal. We have a lot of Australian relations and they are welcome to stay that long if they need or want. Why would they be on a plane for a full day and then only stay a weekend? That would be insane.

SaucyJack · 26/11/2018 00:09

Yeah, what everybody else said really.

I’m sure the idea of having you to stay was great to begin with, but the novelty of having someone in their house that they hadn’t seen for 20 years has probably worn off by now.

Keep it friendly for the home stretch, and you’ll be back home soon.

Cloglover · 26/11/2018 00:14

Some people are just a bit weird about sharing their home. Doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong - yoh sound lovely OP. Just chalk it down to experience. Hope you have a good flight home and that it doesn't put you off going back. Obvs stay in a hotel tho. X

Original poster
Needadvice101 · 26/11/2018 00:40

After reading these maybe I am being a little sensitive

OP posts:
Original poster
Needadvice101 · 26/11/2018 02:28

Thanks everyone- just came back from my meal with my aunt’s son and I’ve had a good time, feel more relaxed and looking forward to the flight home tomorrow! I guess I’ll just be extra complimentary and send a thank you card/small gift (additional to the ones I gave when I arrived) when I’m back as I don’t have any time before getting to the airport

Yes I’ve decided in the future I’ll stick to hotels and b&bs which to be fair that’s what I usually do which is why this whole thing has been a bit of shock to me.

OP posts:
PrettyPurplePanda · 26/11/2018 03:05

Needadvice101 If they had told you they are OK with the 10 day stay it might be one of those moments where the idea of having a loved one over for so long sounds great! but after a said amount of days it starts to feel a bit too much?

I say, stay the full 10 and in future keep it to a long weekend or stay a few days with them and a few with another in the local area if possible? If you leave 2 days prior, it may cause more friction in the long term for future visits to them as they might feel timid to ask you again in fear of being bad hosts? but staying those 2 days they realise to just keep it short and sweet for future visits.

kateandme · 26/11/2018 03:05

ilovehumanity don't feel akward.op had a bad experience but sounds like that was more because it wasn't thought out on both parts (not ops fault just inexperience and perhaps not knowing these people enough to just mould in for so long)
10 days for that distance is perfectly fine op.
my cousin (very close) did it with us.we aid shorter for starter and by the end she was just part of us and largely ignored as a visitor lol and was just here mooching around with the rest of us.and even extended her stay!
my sister did it for 14 days on my aunties farm and just became part of the furniture and by the end did her own thing.
don't be disheartened op or put you off.it really can be ok.i think part of it was not perhaps knowing them well enough to go beyond being a guest and not just family and being part of them if that makes sense. because you shouldn't even need to feel like you have to contribute so much or repay them letting you stay.because you there helping and doing it anyway as and when.
it really can work.you all have to be on the same wave length and no what each is expecting.

Monty27 · 26/11/2018 03:09

You should have gone to stay with your other friends for part of it.
10 days is just too long Shock

Original poster
Needadvice101 · 26/11/2018 03:32

Monty I did state that my other aunt let me down and I did do a visit to another city so was actually away for some of it (two full days but one night) I

I’m not actually leaving early Pretty, my visit has come to an end I just made this thread to confirm that I wasn’t being overly sensitive about the feeling that I was getting about overstaying my welcome- this thread has confirmed that for me thanks everyone!

OP posts:
Bluerussian · 26/11/2018 03:52

Ten days is a long time even for those closest. Five would be my max. I'm sure they love you, put it behind you and stay friends with them.

3luckystars · 26/11/2018 03:59

I think you made the best of it and were a good guest its definitely not your fault, but they are only friends not even relatives, 10 days its a big ask. Have a safe journey tomorrow.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/11/2018 05:30

Dh and I went to a far flung country for almost 3 weeks and stayed with friends for a good chunk of it. We broke that up by twice flying off to different parts of the country for a few nights. We brought a nice gift, paid our way as much as possible, helped out and tried to pay for the supermarket bill but was refused.

It sounds as if you’ve also been a very considerate guest. Sending an extra gift and card is a very good idea. If you ever do this again with them or other “uncles and aunts”, I’d break a visit up a bit more.

Safe trip home.