AIBU overstayed my welcome and feel awkward

[Needadvice101]

Hi all
My “uncle and aunt” (not actually related but culturally have to call them that) have always wanted me to come and stay with them and so I arranged to stay at theirs for 10 days.

They welcomed me with open arms but towards the end of the stay I’ve felt increasingly unwelcome. I’m made to feel like I shouldn’t be eating all their food when in reality they have offered me left overs they have actually mostly picked up from parties (and always offered), i have cooked a large meal for them which are also being eaten as left overs still, ive mostly eaten out, I paid the best part of $80 when out with their daughter and son in law for lunch/dinner. I have also bought some of my own groceries such as milk, eggs, snacks.

I’ve tried to help with tasks I can, stayed out of their way when in the house, arranged my own activities, clean up after myself, brought my own towels, do a lot of their endless mounds of washing up as well as loading the dishwasher which no one seems to want to do.

I’ve kept myself entertained during the days but they have been kind enough to give me lifts into town (20 miles away) as there is zero public transport where I have eaten a big lunch so not really needed dinner and I’ve also visited another town which was an overnight stay away from their place.

I feel uneasy as I was asked when am I leaving on day 8 which I replied in two days but now I’m really keen to go. In context I have two friends (including them) of my parents that live here and I did give notice of my coming here but not months and months.

I have also been at the opposite end of this :S

We had guests staying over, for three days. We had invited them for 3 days and were welcoming.

They decided to extend their stay, because the daughter found an opportunity to apply for a good job. and to that I didn’t want to be rude and told them “feel free to stay here if it suits you”. I genuinely meant it but I also expected them to know that they’re not exactly to expect to be treated with any obligation and that they need to declare their plans and only stay if necessary if you see what I mean- because out of compassion I didn’t want them on the streets but also I didn’t want to inconvenience myself just for their luxuries.

So as time went by, they kept extending. I liked them, they were v clean and looked after my baby at times. We got on. But the uncertainty of when they were leaving really pressured me and my DH, caused arguments... and I couldn’t see light at the end of the tunnel of when I will have my freedom of not having to be on my best behaviour as a host.

So I politely asked them to tell me what their plans were. That I don’t mind for them to stay longer (I had to say it because I didn’t want them to think I was being rude) but that it’s best I know their plans because I would be able to plan around that. They kept saying don’t worry we will leave soon...

That dragged to 20 days. They were lovely. Contributed financially and b clean and I really think they were ideal guests. But the uncertainty and lack of communication made me feel like the house wasn’t ours any longer.

Eventually I got so stressed and told them they needed to find somewhere to stay for a few days because I had “guests over”. Which wasn’t a lie. I did have guests over but I also could’ve turned down those guests but I resented the idea of not having the freedom to do what I please because they didn’t see the importance of being clear in their communication.

I insisted they come back if they didn’t find a place but that it’s best we have a proper plan of what they want so we can communicate what works for everyone.. because in our house we accept my family over every other week or so (exaggerated a bit) but truth is it’s jsut because we needed to know what we are ageeeing to. Just because someone is contributing doesn’t me we accepted it.

They were hugely offended. We ended up asking for forgiveness. I really resented how things turned out in the end because I did feel like I shower how much I cared with the hosting I did. I felt unappreciated.

Time went by and a month later I think they saw it for what it is and put pride aside and have become friends.

I invited them again and said that they’re welcome to come for a short stay but that I have to leave the house within a week and so can’t Host for longer than a week.

But I wouldn’t dare invite them again without clarifying things.

I think it’s a learning curve op. They care about u but perhaps cultural difference meant the expectations and communication wasn’t perfect.

They might’ve said stuff out of politeness “stay as long as u need” , which might’ve confused u. Not their fault or yours. Just a learning curve that u can’t rely on that.

Just 3 days and hotel after

Also they might feel bad for how they made u feel. I certainly do

OP this might not apply to u because they agreed from beginning

Good point OVienna - you don't need much emotional intelligence to read the lack of enthusiasm in a British "invitation" (though our Erasmus students always struggle with this...) but you Americans are so damn friendly and enthusiastic about things, I can see how people could get sucked in very easily. I was a bit aghast at PP's account of "flying a few hours" (!) only to discover that they hadn't actually been invited

I'm possibly derailing the thread now but to be honest, not even I can always tell. I found I didn't have the full-on level of intuition required in the US to navigate social situations - maybe it's one of the reasons I was relieved to move away? I find Brits much more direct. The summer before I left I was living in DC with some friends. We were out one evening and I was ready to go home. "You'll be okay staying on at the bar?" I said to one girl we knew. "Yes, absolutely fine." I was the a talk of my friend's work place the next morning. The girl had said: "I can't believe she LET me stay there alone." So many example of it and I can see similar sorts of things on my university's FB pages. I guess it's passive aggressive?

OP don't beat yourself up for not picking up the clues here. I hope your hosts have learned a lesson though.

I’ve offered to host their daughters when they come over for a visit to my country.

I would be busy. I bet they'll expect you to host their daughters properly.

Thanks Mumsnetters for your advice really insightful! So any ideas of a suitable gift? I’m thinking one of those Christmas Fortnum and Mason Hampers sent to them?

Are you serious?!

That would be hugely generous, op, but I suppose it also depends on cultural expectations: that would be OTT from one of my "aunts", but for a couple of others, from different cultures (to each other as well) that would be appropriate. I guess it depends - sorry, not much help...