AIBU overstayed my welcome and feel awkward

[Needadvice101]

Hi all
My “uncle and aunt” (not actually related but culturally have to call them that) have always wanted me to come and stay with them and so I arranged to stay at theirs for 10 days.

They welcomed me with open arms but towards the end of the stay I’ve felt increasingly unwelcome. I’m made to feel like I shouldn’t be eating all their food when in reality they have offered me left overs they have actually mostly picked up from parties (and always offered), i have cooked a large meal for them which are also being eaten as left overs still, ive mostly eaten out, I paid the best part of $80 when out with their daughter and son in law for lunch/dinner. I have also bought some of my own groceries such as milk, eggs, snacks.

I’ve tried to help with tasks I can, stayed out of their way when in the house, arranged my own activities, clean up after myself, brought my own towels, do a lot of their endless mounds of washing up as well as loading the dishwasher which no one seems to want to do.

I’ve kept myself entertained during the days but they have been kind enough to give me lifts into town (20 miles away) as there is zero public transport where I have eaten a big lunch so not really needed dinner and I’ve also visited another town which was an overnight stay away from their place.

I feel uneasy as I was asked when am I leaving on day 8 which I replied in two days but now I’m really keen to go. In context I have two friends (including them) of my parents that live here and I did give notice of my coming here but not months and months.

You have done nothing wrong. The idea of guests is much more exciting than the practicalities though. The initial excitement gives way to a general desire to have your life back.

Friends visited over Xmas last year for 2 weeks. My best friend and her family. I adore them but they went away for 2 days in the middle and my god if they hadn't I would have had a meltdown. At one point I was dreading their return as I just wanted to eat shitty canned soup and watch repeats on TV rather than arrange yet another meal for 6 even though they did load dishwashers etc

Also we did a big shop and went halves on the food for the two weeks. I would have been furious if she had just paid for occasional bread and milk given I was handing out for 3 square meals a day.

10 days is a long time to have someone in your home, when we go to my wife’s country and stay with her parents we always try to schedule a few days away as a couple or now as a family in the middle so they and we can recover. Unless you really couldn’t have done it financially I think you should have gone to the country for 10 days but only spent 3/4 with them. But there is no excuse to ask you when you’re going when they know, that’s just rude.

Expecting somebody to put you up for ten days is ludicrous! I am not surprised that they are fed up with you, no matter how fond of you they are. Two or three days is the limit for most. RTFT - yes, she's definitely going to fly for ten hours to stay somewhere for three days

It is not your fault. They invited you to the middle of nowhere and you tried your best. I find older relatives like this. They like the idea of hosting visitors and being sociable but actually can’t cope with the reality of it. They bloody well insist you stay with them because they don’t like the idea of you going to a hotel instead and maybe because they would look inhospitable to others in the family. Then they are set in their ways and find anyone being in their home too difficult to adjust to. Next time treat it all as a holiday and stay elsewhere so you decide where you go and what you do and only see them for a visit. Seeing family is never a proper holiday otherwise.

Wait until they want you to reciprocate 😂😂😂

I think hosts sometimes fail to anticipate how draining it can be, having someone in your space for that length of time, even when you knew what the time would be. And even more so, when you don't know the person THAT well.

I host an American friend of mine for a week, about every 4 years. And although I love her dearly, by the end of the week, I'm very happily waving her off again! Hosting is hard work!

Did you talk to them before the visit and agree on 10 days? If so, why are they asking when you are leaving?

10 days for a 10 hour flight? Wow op, that’s short! My family live 12-13 hours away and we go a minimum of 17 days, it’s not worth the money to go any less, plus you lose hours here and there. Your aunt and uncles sounds bloody odd and I don’t blame you!

It sounds like you've been a considerate guest. I agree it was very rude of your hosts to ask when you're leaving, given that the length of your stay was agreed in advance.

Why did your aunt let you down in regards having you over?

I think none of you realised what a long time 10 days feels like in this kind of situation. Nobody has been unreasonable - they could be hiding their feelings a bit better, but some of us are better at that than others.

Your idea of sending a thank you is great, and then I would give both parties a bit of space before resuming your normal schedule of calls/letters/emails/however you keep in touch. Don't let it affect your relationship going forward!

Sounds like you've been a model guest.

Leave on good terms tomorrow but if they ever ask to stay with you say no or limit them to a weekend as they have not been good hosts to you.

I am wondering if you're in the US. People often offer things they'd be horrified you took them up on. You're supposed to 'know' not to actually accept the offer. It's an actual social panto - the offering of things on the understanding the person won't accept.

It's a cultural trait to be very wary of but I have noticed that non-Americans rarely, if ever, pick up on. (I am American.)

I also wonder if their invitation was just a politeness that they never expected to be taken up since you are virtual strangers. Ten days with people you really don’t know well is a long time for all of you.

I have family a 13 hour flight away and have stayed a few times. Last time (ever) I was made to feel extremely unwelcome by one person who was having a strange moment ( we’d always been very close) and I understand how awful you feel I felt so lonely especially in the mornings when all my friends and family at home were just going to bed.

Enjoy your flight home.

Wow lots more replies thanks!

Can I re-iterate they are not my actual uncle and aunt just how I have to refer to them culturally as they are considerably older!

I didn’t offer to pay for shopping as I thought it may be rude to do so again culturally so I did do a small food shop for the large meal cooked and a few extra bits (costing about $50). Having said that I also have brought my own breakfast stuff (I have protein shakes), bought my own milk, eggs and snacks. Have had every lunch out so would eat little in the evenings which have mostly been leftovers as my aunt and uncle don’t cook much.

Yes I am in the states and therefore spent thanksgiving elsewhere so had two full days away from them.

My other Aunt (godmother) was the main driver of this visit for years but let me down last minute after booking flights though this year since January I would get the occasional message when are you coming. Then as soon as I say let’s set a date then she kept changing the dates to what suits her but in the end when I visited her I realise it was because her place is very small.

The friends of my parents I am staying with have been asking me to come for years. Previously they’ve wanted me to attend their daughters weddings as bridesmaid but due to the distance and work related exams was not possible. When my family asked if I could stay with them they seemed really happy that I was finally coming. They are very very wealthy, live in a 5 bed 3000ft house. Every time they’ve asked to me to come they keep saying we have so many rooms to accommodate you. I’ve offered to host their daughters when they come over for a visit to my country.

Sorry hope this is not a drip feed but trying to get things into context.

If you are flying all that way 10 days is not that long.
Shame you were let down by your aunt as that would have helped.
I think you have been a great, considerate guest, it just might be a bit much for them 10 days, but to be honest I think they have been a bit rude. You are on your own, I wouldn't expect you to stay in hotels.

I don’t think the responsibility for this all falls on your shoulders.

It sounds more like they haven’t fully thought through the situation before offering. They know you’re travelling a long distance so it’s hardly going to be a weekend visit. I don’t know how old you are in comparison to them, but what did they think you where going to do for the duration of your stay in the middle of nowhere, when there are no transport links.
You seem to have been as considerate as you can given the situation, so chalk it up to experience and don’t put in a repeat visit.

Also my Godmother who let me down stayed with me last year for 3 nights for which I booked annual leave so I could attend to her. Then she stayed with my mum for a following 2-3 nights. Despite that she let me down.

OVienna and Matilda - I agree. I would never imagine that someone I last saw twenty years ago would want me around for 10 days. A long weekend at most whilst I was in the area. In part that's just my introvert tendencies and culture, but I can't imagine any of my friends doing so either.

It was very good of you to be so helpful also OP, but I wouldn't find that relaxing either - someone else doing my washing up and loading the dishwasher sounds great, but it would bug me a bit in my own home over ten days - either asking questions all the time, or feeling a little like I have a hired help but not one I can instruct etc...

Matilda we are not “virtual strangers” my parents know them well, since they came to our country as economic migrants (UK). We basically grew up with their kids back then but life became difficult for them and they moved to the US because an amazing opportunity came up for then and they have done very well out of it and not looked back. My parents have kept in touch with them over the years, learning about their progress and they have been interested in how we have grown up. I think they’ve also wanted me to see their life as I’ve been considering a move to US.

I stayed with friends for 3 weeks, they didn't know me that well, I used to babysit for their children, they moved away and asked me to come and visit.. they were nothing but welcoming because they invited me.. if you've travelled all that way and booked flights in advance they obviously knew how long you were coming for and I think they're being unreasonable!

The 20 years things doesn’t apply to my parents. They have seen my parents when they’ve travelled back “home”. Thanks thecatscats I haven’t washed up all the time just now and then to help out they actually have a cleaner...

Overall I’ve learnt despite culture never to bother accepting invitations. At the end of the day they hardly live in a state where I would actually want to come here as holiday but I take people’s points on staying elsewhere and visiting. I’m sure my parents will stay friends and I will keep in touch with their daughters.

OVienna that's also a British cultural trait: it's polite filler, as opposed to an actual invitation, and is often mistaken by non-Brits. "Do drop in if you are passing" definitely means anything but

For future reference, OP, fish and guests stink after three days, especially a) when (as in this case) they aren't actual family and b) when you haven't seen them for twenty years (also as in this case)

Still, you're on your way home, and you'll know to avoid it in future, so all is well.

Hefzi I know what you mean. But having lived in the UK for 25 years I still feel like it is worse in the US. I guess because the Americans overlay their invitation an additional layer of enthusiasm maybe?! Dunno. I think a British person would have more sense of boundaries than to offer to host someone for 10 days if they didn't really want that. With a Yank, you really cannot tell.

Agree, Hefzi, the last thing people mean when they say, "Oh, we must meet up sometime," is for you to get your phone out and attempt to fix a date. I suppose sometimes people do mean it, but usually it's a polite brush off.

Certainly "do drop in if you're passing" - eeeeeeek!!

To the OP, if the hosts had to ask when you were leaving (very rude of them, though) you obviously hadn't communicated the length of your stay. They were probably worried you were staying a month!

I find the problem with guests is that for the most part we don't do anything, especially in the evenings. So that when a guest visits one is frantically trying to think up exciting entertainment which does not involve slumping in front of Netflix or going out every evening for £££ dinners.