AIBU To throw my career away

[HettieBettie]

DH at a school.

I was part of a team that got my last school to outstanding. I returned full time to this role after my first dd. Lived every minute so passionate.

Now working in a school in measures - went to this following maternity after second dd (as I couldn’t go back to my old job for many reasons - people/job changing/psycho boss etc). The job is hard, the kids are great, the staff are tricky. I’m not passionate about this place, yet.

I feel like before I throw my all into this role I need some advice. I loved mat leave and I loved being a ftsahm. I feel like NO ONE is getting the best me. I’m letting down my children, my husband, the children at school etc.

So do I throw away my career and take some time. Or stick with it for now? It’s been 2 months. But every Sunday anxiety kicks in and I feel weepy and sick.

Please help me, please be kind. I know I’m fortunate to have the option to take time but I’m Honestly at a loss as to what to do.

DH MEANS DEPUTYBHEAD NOT HUSBAND!! 🙄

If you can afford to take the time and regroup then do it.

I just walked out of a job with zero notice because I couldn’t bear working there a minute longer so I get it! I was also too tired/stressed at home to really enjoy it so was becoming a crap mum.

Since walking out it’s like a massive weight has been lifted. I feel like me again and I’ve had a brilliant weekend with the kids instead of being too tired to do anything.

Life really is too short to be miserable.

Also trust your gut. I wanted to leave my job after two weeks. I stuck it out for a year, thinking of the money and that it would get better. It didn’t. It got worse.

Take more time at home if that's what you want to do. You aren't throwing your career away. There will always be work for teachers, always vacancies.

In your shoes, I'd leave but just make sure you don't leave yourself vulnerable in any way, financially mainly. Don't become a domestic appliance either!

You can pick up your career any time, even if you have to do some retraining. Your children will grow up so quickly - if you miss the opportunity to be at home with them that time is gone forever. Just saying.

Bless you, I'd leave if I were you. Although with notice periods in education it would be a while before you could actually leave, wouldn't it? I don't know how people teach full time with small kids, never mind being a deputy head! Kudos for lasting this long.

Never give up work. Find another job, but don't give up.

What Bloodyfucksake said. Women’s sense of under-performing is notoriously over-inflated. Also, two months back after maternity leave is too soon to make a call on something so key.

Can you pick up your career at any time? You can’t in my profession (accountancy). Things move quickly and you might find that after a couple of years out, your knowledge is less current.

My advice is, stick with it. Keep your independence and safeguard your earning power. I know that it can be hard. I still wouldn’t counsel anybody to become a stay at home mum.

Incidentally, why are you the one letting the family down? What about your husband?

I think you should give it a bit longer too before you make a decision.

@Nettletheelf I know what you’re saying. Tbh it’s because when I become passionate about a project I do let my family down. I don’t prioritise them and that is crap. My husband works from home. His work life balance is enviable.

It would be chucking it away. I wouldn’t employ me after 2 months in a senior role to buggering off to be mum. That would look so crap on my cv!

But I’m not sure I give a damn right now about my career. I get home having missed bath time for the baby and put her to bed with my shoes still on some nights.

It’s all the ratty mum thing I don’t want my 5 yr old to be at after school club for ages and then have ratty mummy who JUST WANTS TO HEAR YOU READ PLEASE!! (Hopefully some of you will get this if not maybe I’m
mad)

I don’t know maybe it’s not about throwing away a career but finding a balance. But I just keep going round and round in circles.

Sorry if I sound mad. You have all been really lovely and helpful. I’m doing that typing with eyes full of tears thing.

I am sympathetic, genuinely, and it sounds really hard. Could your husband work part time?

You don’t sound mad.

My worry would be not being able to get back into it: things move quickly in education.

Be very careful about giving it all up. Can you look at different options: negioate a term off/go part time/suggest job share/hunt for a P/T job. Can you get more help at home? Cleaner/someone to help with pick ups?

I have no idea how the teaching profession works. But I can tell you I really struggled when I went back to work after by second child. I had to travel internationally and hated every minute of it. I wanted to leave but couldn’t afford to. So I stuck it out for a year and effectively found a different role. The kids grow up a bit. I got a bit more sleep. Now my youngest has started school I’m so pleased I stayed in work. I suppose what I’m trying to say is think carefully before you jump. It’s such a bloody tough stage to get through

How about you give up the SLT stuff and go back to being a classroom teacher? It might give you the work/life balance you're looking for.

Agree with the folks saying give it a bit longer. Also remember this is a crap time of year to be making these types of decisions. Everyone is knackered, Christmas hype is setting in (which is a deadly combination of over excited children, extra work/planning and guilt). Have a proper break over the Xmas holidays and see how it goes in January. There’s no right or wrong answer just don’t make the decision when you’re whacked out!

But I should add - put your mental health first as well. Is your husband help with the pick ups to keep the days shorter? Do you not get some time in the holidays to catch up with the family?

Can you go part time either at the school or supply teaching or teaching at a tutoring centre. That way your keeping a hand in and getting a better work life balance?
You might not go straight back in at a senior level when you’re ready but it might be better than starting from scratch.
When I returned from maternity leave I dropped 2 pay bands and went part time and I’ve never regretted it.
I kept up to date in my industry but got rid of all the pressure that went with a senior management role.

He already does pick ups and swimming etc - he really is fantastic (he also now does the washing and ironing - yes he’s that bloody lovely)

It’s me, I’m the problem. just have this odd feeling I’m missing/I’ve lost something and I’m pretty sure it’s my girls.

I used to be very career focussed and I’m just not sure I care now. But then I look at the mess this school is in and I want to fix it!!

It's definitely not easy to get back into work after a few years out. You don't have to love your job or be passionate, just stick it out for a bit whilst the kids are young and then find something you are more passionate about when the time is right. Be kind to yourself and lower your expectations of work right now. I have friends who have given up amazing careers and have no chance now of picking them up again, and others who were clever, managed things well, and now are reaping the rewards. Being a SAHM is lovely but not forever...! Oh and everyone feels like that on a Sunday don't they??

Maybe it’s this school,that is not working out. Are there any other dh roles locally you could consider?

Or a part time job? Some schools need experience dh to advise, rather than a full time job.

I don’t think you are throwing your career away, just changing direction,

Agree with PP who said to take a demotion or go part-time whilst your children are young.

Give it a bit longer - don’t just chuck in the towel after just two months