AIBU To throw my career away

[HettieBettie]

DH at a school.

I was part of a team that got my last school to outstanding. I returned full time to this role after my first dd. Lived every minute so passionate.

Now working in a school in measures - went to this following maternity after second dd (as I couldn’t go back to my old job for many reasons - people/job changing/psycho boss etc). The job is hard, the kids are great, the staff are tricky. I’m not passionate about this place, yet.

I feel like before I throw my all into this role I need some advice. I loved mat leave and I loved being a ftsahm. I feel like NO ONE is getting the best me. I’m letting down my children, my husband, the children at school etc.

So do I throw away my career and take some time. Or stick with it for now? It’s been 2 months. But every Sunday anxiety kicks in and I feel weepy and sick.

Please help me, please be kind. I know I’m fortunate to have the option to take time but I’m Honestly at a loss as to what to do.

I wouldn't at the stage you are in. Few women get there and you are doing so well in your career. And you were passionate about the last place so either work to make this place one you can be passionate about or stick it out until you can move somewhere that lights that fire again!

You don’t sound mad at all, OP, and I’m sorry it’s so hard. I don’t get more than an hour with my six year old in the evenings, either, and my job is demanding and stressful, and yes, it’s a matter of dinner and reading and hearing spellings in the bath in a mad rush — but where I am professionally is the result of hard work and dedication, and I wouldn’t advise you to make a decision this soon into a new job, and just post-mat leave.

I felt the same after my first mat leave. Gave up my TLR to be 'just' a p/t class teacher and hoped it would work. On my days 'off' instead of being with my baby I was catching up on work and still getting hassled via phone and email, it was never-ending. I was being a rubbish teacher and rubbish mum. After second child I knew I couldn't go back to it. I left while still on mat leave. I intended to be a sahm but in the end missed work so started my own business that fits our lives much better. I make no money (early days) but luckily DH can support us on his wage, just. I'm so glad I left! If your finances work out it might be worth trying sahm life, even if just for a little while. Then you could always pick up marking, tutoring or supply to keep your CV ticking over before you decide what to do long term.

Mmmm......tricky one. Why does it need to be you who turns the school around? You are clearly passionate about the vocation of being a teacher, but your own children come first. You will be able to return to teaching and will have a great career for many years. If you throw all your energies into turning this school around, home life will suffer and it would be dishonest to not admit this. Stay in the job if you are prepared to put school first and home life second.

Our deputy heads work bloody hard and all hours under the sun.
I have just passed on the opportunity to become HOD in order to stay a part-time (0.8) classroom teacher. Dh is the main breadwinner.
I don’t think you can have it both ways. Either make peace with being the main breadwinner (are you?) and letting your dh do the bulk of parenting or give up some of your responsibilities at school.

So- don’t worry about hearing them read. I always worried about this and my son’s teacher at the time said.... we don’t need you to provide reading challenge at home, we do that at school. We want you to raise kids who love reading- so read something fun. ‘Hearing them read’ can be saved for a weekend when you have more time.

Part of this is - can you buy in extra help if you want to keep your job- gardener, cleaner, ironing done if those are jobs you do at home.

All of this is how important is it to you to keep your identity. From experience, when you stay at home, you can become x’s wife and y’s mum, not this is Z, she’s a DH and all round clever person. When the children grow up, where do you see yourself. One of my good friends is a teacher and I cannot believe how hard, and how many hours she works. I completely get that you put work first, sometimes it just is that way. Men have been doing it for years, but somehow it’s ‘worse’ if we do it. In reality, we give ourselves too much guilt, we can’t do everything, and nor should we be expected to.

Work out what would make you happy, and do that. Life is too short. If staying as professional DH would make you happy, find a way of making it work, and give yourself permission to be less than perfect in order to facilitate that.
If being an SAHM would make you happy then do that instead. Happy people make for happier families, and from experience life really is too short.

I’m in a very similar situation and just wanted to say - sometimes doing just enough at work is enough. That’s so hard to do in a vocation like teaching! Don’t pick it all in, things will get easier and you will have lots more options if you stick it out. Give yourself a time limit ( one year from now for example) and if you hate it then, leave to stay at home! Try everything else you can to ease things before then... delegate, work smartly and be as efficient as you possibly can. Plan something nice to do with kiddies every weekend and look forward to it (even just swuimmimg/ museum/ aquarium/ becah etc If possible, drop to a less senior role. Keep going, you can do this!

I'm a SBM so non-teaching but brought in by a sponsor school halfway through the spring term to help turn around a village primary in special measures. I hear and understand everything you said! It's only now that I'm starting to get small glimpses of the impact that the hard slog is making and that sparks of passion for the place are starting to ignite.

Things that have helped me are giving myself a minimum amount of time before I would consider leaving, keeping a note of achievements and impact to refer back to on particularly bad days (also handy for PMR) and reminding myself regularly that the attitude and resistance to change from some (not all) staff are symptoms of the issues with the school. If it was simply a case of improving teaching standards it would be quick to fix - opening minds and winning over hearts is the really tricky part isn't it?

I too feel guilty of putting too much into my work and not quite enough into my family at times. The flip side of that is showing my children social responsibility and that I'm doing my best to help other children have the education that they enjoy. Prior to children I worked in the City but always had a yearning to use my skills and experience in a way that would make a difference to someone and on better days I can see that is exactly what I am doing. I get personal satisfaction from that.

I just wanted to say that I understand exactly what you're saying and where you're coming from and wish you well, whatever you decide.

I’m sorry you feel torn, OP.. it’s horrible to feel that you’re ineffective in all areas.

Don’t make a rash decision. It could be too early to really know how you feel about your current school.

It’s obviously not very nice at all to be upset at the thought of Monday morning looking...Do you feel teary / anxious in other aspects of your life too? If so, could you be a little depressed, do you think, or is it purely a work thing?

If it isn't a financial imperative that you stay then I'd be drafting my resignation.

1. Can you afford to quit? What does your husband think?
2. Is it sustainable for however long you want to be at home?
3. What do you want for when you return to work? Straight into a DH position or start as teacher and then see?

What no one can fix for you is the guilt and obligation. You can delegate all you want, you van tell yourself the kids are in good hands but it will be pointless if you hold yourself at unrealistic standards of doing it all and being all. I think this is what you really need to work on, and if the final conclusion is that it has to be one or the other,pick whichever makes you happier(easier said than done).

I was a teacher and loved my job and was in line for DH.

I had DS and realised I wanted to be st home with him until he went to school.

It was a shock as I adored my job and had worked so hard to get it... but I quit. Ds is 2.5 now and I’m keeping a cursory eye out for teaching jobs but I don’t really want to go back till he’s in reception.

Sometimes I regret it. There’s a language barrier here too so I know it’s doubly as hard to re enter the work force, and I’m beyond broke financially. I can’t bring myself to wish I hadn’t done it though.

I do work part time doing something else that’s vaguely flexible. I don’t enjoy it but it stops me having nothing. I’d do it all over again if I had the choice though, ultimately.

Whilst the OP knows her own circumstances best, would men advise a friend in her situation to go part time or take a drop in seniority?

The OP’s career is important to her. She may have ambitions to lead a school. That’s why we can’t just say, “go back to being a classroom teacher, go part time, make it easy on yourself”. But at what cost? Better for the OP to wait until after Christmas, when she’s had a proper rest and a chance to calmly appraise her options.

I'd say if it's what you want go for it. No job is worth your mental health. I walked away from a teaching job 7 years ago. I've never regretted it. There is always supply work if and when you want to go back to teaching.

If it's what you want and you'd manage financially then I'd definitely be considering it.

My children's father moved into a private school and that worked very well (and we got almost free school fees for one child!)

Perhaps you should try for a headship too - I suspect earning a lot more money and in an even better job you might find life easier rather than giving up all work.

I've spent my career working in schools (as support staff) and it is a tough job to combine with parenting but doable, maybe part-time as people have suggested.
Could you go part-time next year with a view to taking a sabbatical?
I also think it is possible to take time out from teaching and return, there are so many ways to keep your hat in the ring, tutoring, substituting, even working with your own children is experience for teachers imo. Maybe when you want to fully go back to teaching you might go into a different area of it so the fact that you left for a career break won't be relevant.

Honestly? Been where you are.

I thought it was teaching. I did go PT after kids and am still 0.8.

But mostly, it was the school. It just stopped being what it was when I joined. I just lost my attachment to it with various changes.

I moved schools when youngest start reception and went from 0.4 to 0.7, now I'm 0.8. I love the school I'm in. I'm enjoying my job again. It's lovely.

But mine are all at school now. I don't regret for one second doing 0.4 whilst they were tiny.

I could have written this 7 years ago. I had been years in my first school and loved it, then moved somewhere when my DC were small that I didn't love. It knocked my confidence so much and I felt like I was missing out on the DC. Those things combined meant that I decided to stop for a while. I had one year completely SAHM, then moved gradually into Adult Ed and did that for a few years which I liked a lot and worked around the kids really well, and this year I have come back into part-time secondary teaching. I took my time finding a school that was a good fit for me. I am LOVING it. No regrets here.

Good luck whatever you decide OP, but don't stay in a school that doesn't fit you well x

OP, I made a decision when children were younger to pass up promotion to a DH role. I took a salary drop and a short term contact initially which led to other possibilities. I have spent my career in education but I deliberately chose not to go for posts with excessive responsibilities with young children - I actually took two salary drops to ensure I could focus more on them. I have never regretted it.
It's such a difficult decision. I looked at it as a 40 year career. Once the children were older I did focus again on my career and was rewarded with promotion and two great jobs. Then I could concentrate on the roles as the children were older and more independent. There's no easy answer but... you only get one chance to be there when they're young.

OP - Sailinghappy and itsaflossoff seem to me to be giving you good advice. I hope you sort things out and find the balance you're looking for.

Oh, Hettie. You poor soul.

20 years ago, I'd have said you should just give up your job and be with the DC. I worked for a year (university lecturer) when DC1 was a year old (though was pg at the time) - but came to feel that I needed to be cloned if work and the DC were going to get the best of me.

So I gave up work.

I had no idea that I would end up, 15 years later, divorced and unemployable. I live in constant terror about money.

It's impossible to say what the 'right' answer would have been. I don't regret a single minute of the (endless) days spent as a SAHM. I think the DC benefited from it enormously. They didn't have to share my attention with anything at all. They didn't go to nursery etc; they were my entire life.

Now, though, they are all teenagers plus, and are cross because I don't have a job.

The answer is that there's no right answer, I suppose. This is not helpful to you, though!

You’re all bloody brilliant. Thank you so much. Time to think and make a plan.

Sometimes it’s just nice to know you’re not being stupid by considering a move.

I’ve no idea what i’ll do but I feel so much better.

Hettie, you are anything other than stupid. There are no right answers to this. I thought I had found the right answer, but I am now stuffed 20 years on! If I could re-live my life, it's hard to say what I would do, because I loved being a SAHM so much when they were little. I suppose that I would have just carried on SAHM-ing, had I not ended up divorced (not my choice). I never imagined I would have had to 'budget' for the unforeseen. So I suppose, armed with that knowledge in retrospect, I'd now have tried to find a way to keep working p/t when the DC were little, however agonising I would have felt it to be.

I threw away my career when DS was born 2 years ago.

TBF it's not exactly the same, but I'll tell you what happened in case it inspires you

I was freelancing (too outing to say what) and didn't have enough work to justify a childminder, so I decided to "take extended maternity", in other words kill off my career completely. I discovered that I personally am not cut out to be a SAHM and was climbing the walls by 13 months, but the experience made me reassess. I'd fallen out of love with my career, there were no full time roles available anyway, and I felt like I couldn't just abandon DS for any old job - it had to be something I really wanted to do. Even though I didn't want to be at home any more, I felt I owed it to him to either be a SAHM, or doing something that I was completely passionate about.

When he was 20 months old I enrolled in uni full time for a career change and have well and truly found my vocation. I'm really happy and DS is growing up seeing a mummy who feels fulfilled in her work.

It's not the same situation, but I'd say do what feels right for you now. Jobs will come and go, you might even end up doing something slightly different in future, but if your heart is in being with your kids (and you can afford it) then go for it. You only get this time once - why spend it somewhere you aren't sure you want to be?

I think it's the school, not you. You might have to give it the rest of the year if you want to find another job at your grade though. Think about whether you'd be re-employable as a DH after going back down to be a part time class teacher, too.