AIBU To throw my career away

[HettieBettie]

DH at a school.

I was part of a team that got my last school to outstanding. I returned full time to this role after my first dd. Lived every minute so passionate.

Now working in a school in measures - went to this following maternity after second dd (as I couldn’t go back to my old job for many reasons - people/job changing/psycho boss etc). The job is hard, the kids are great, the staff are tricky. I’m not passionate about this place, yet.

I feel like before I throw my all into this role I need some advice. I loved mat leave and I loved being a ftsahm. I feel like NO ONE is getting the best me. I’m letting down my children, my husband, the children at school etc.

So do I throw away my career and take some time. Or stick with it for now? It’s been 2 months. But every Sunday anxiety kicks in and I feel weepy and sick.

Please help me, please be kind. I know I’m fortunate to have the option to take time but I’m Honestly at a loss as to what to do.

I went from HoD to 0.6 classroom teacher after dc1. Massively regret it. Now pregnant with dc2 and realising it's not going to be very easy to get back up to HoD quickly. Hadn't really thought through the implications of mat leave/going part time on my career, and how it it effectively means 5-6 years to get back up to where I was.

2 months is early days. I'd reassess after Xmas once you've had a rest.

Do you tend to be a bit all or nothing? If so, maybe try to steer yourself a more middle road eg agree you will see the year out, or look to move to a part time role. Or look to take 2-3 years. Believe me, you will miss that earning potential and status in 5/10/15 years (and it comes around QUICK) (I never used to value seniority or earning potential, but now the dc are mid teens I find I do). But others are right, there is no wrong answer, its your life to live, no regrets.

I’m an AHT and I returned to work after second mat leave this school year. I have the same thoughts every few weeks but ultimately I won’t leave because 1) I love my job, work and I am very ambitious 2) you never know what the future holds- I’m healthy enough to work now as is my DH, but who knows whether this will always be true 3) we couldn’t rely on just DHs salary plus I have more job security 4) the holidays are really good when they line up with your own children. It’s tricky but I know those who have taken the career break and it isn’t all roses. Plus those saying take a step back be a teacher/pt etc that isn’t easier on my view. PT teachers often work a lot on ‘days off’ and a full time class teacher role is a killer. Yes as slt there are other responsibilities and more face time in general but less marking and planning.

I don’t know you OP, but I won’t be giving up my job.

I have felt like that in a new school/new role but find within a couple of terms I have adjusted and can see the light again. I would hang on in there.

I have also had a career break because of the children which I enjoyed but it was hard to get back in to a permanent role so I am doing supply. My pension is badly affected.

I'd never put career before kids if I was in a position where I didnt have to.

Have you considered becoming a childminder? Bringing in some money, looking after your own children while keeping you hand in with teaching skills.

Agree with PP not to do anything rash. I found it really hard returning to work with 2 DCs at home 8 years ago. I felt like I was failing at work and failing at home. But I just ploughed on, telling myself it would get easier. Which it did. I now have no regrets. I have a career and two happy well adjusted children. Be kind to yourself, I hope you find the right solution for you.

I'm not a teacher but maybe something worth considering is would you be ok with potentially walking away from teaching for ever? My SIL was a teacher with a few years experience and struggled after having a few years off to get another post because the schools wanted the cheaper option of NQ. But if you can go back to DH level roles ok even after a few years off then that might be a consideration.

My other thought is also you're only a couple of months into a new job, it's not unusual to have a wobble even without the added pressure of just returning following mat leave. I'd give it six months total and see how you feel.

It's always took me 6 months to settle after each maternity. I'd review and make decision a couple months before summer holidays

@palomapear I think that’s really poor advice. The two aren’t comparable at all. It devalues both to assume they are interchangeable.

@Cheekyandfreaky My own DD goes to a childminder who is a qualified teacher.

It would be chucking it away. I wouldn’t employ me after 2 months in a senior role to buggering off to be mum. That would look so crap on my cv!

Meh I think you need to open your mind. Lots and lots of people take a job that's wrong for them, many recruiters perhaps have had this experience themselves. It's happened to me, someone else recruited me into a job maybe I wouldn't have looked twice at otherwise. It was a positive career step.

The anxiety you are describing on Sunday nights does not seem healthy to me.

@palomapear that may be so, but just because that childminder is a qualified teacher it doesn’t make the two jobs comparable.

@Cheekyandfreaky are you either a teacher or a childminder or do you use a childminder?
I don't want to hijack OPs post but quite obviously there are links.
I'm not sure what you are missing.

I did this and never regretted it for a moment was a sahm for 30 years.
You have to do whats best for you. A career means nothing if you'd rather be with your family.

@palomapear I’m a secondary school teacher with experience of primary teaching. I’m very good friends with someone who childminds and have a childminder for one of my daughters. I really don’t see the two as similar (and I’m not trying to start a fight over this).

It's either just the school.
Or you really do want to be at home.
Or it's too soon after Mat Leave to tell.

But please don't let people tell you you are letting yourself down (or even worse) somehow letting other women down if you give up a job to take care of your children. Just because you are a woman in a senior position doesn't mean you have to stick at it if it's crap to prove a point. And yes, taking an extended break to bring up kids is a financial risk and puts your career on hold. However to have made it to DH I would assume you can work it out. Put money into a private pension, or see if you can still buy extra years of the TPS. Have savings in your name. Volunteer to keep busy, socialised and keep something on your CV. It's possible to be a SAHM and not just surrender your entire life to washing and housework and CBeebies.

DHT is the hardest position to get in a school. Much easier to get a headship than a DHT role. If you leave at a non-standard time without a job to go to then it will be much harder to get another post as most recruiters will assume that you went on a compromise.

I haven’t seen anybody suggest that the OP would be letting other women down if she gave up work.

I have seen several posters, including me, noting that the OP is demonstrably good at what she does and that giving up work to be with her children might not be the best thing for her long term.

A number of posters have said that they gave up work to be with their children full time and that they don’t regret it for a second, it was the best thing they ever did, etc. Well, that might be true. It might also be confirmation bias. That’s when people have made decisions and edit the circumstances and facts to produce a version of the evidence that suggests that their choice was the correct one.

A very candid poster has told us that she gave up her career to be a SAHM and regretted it afterwards, following a divorce and a struggle to make up lost ground. I suspect that many others feel the same but can’t quite admit it. Who wants to say, “I regret being a full time mum to my children”, even if it is true?

We all know that raising children is hard, and that women usually get the brunt of the work and the mental load. We also know, whether we admit it to ourselves or not, that stepping off the career ladder, when you are in a senior role, damages your prospects. I don’t want the OP to throw in the towel: not because I think she should be a standard bearer for senior women, but because she’ll compromise one of the things she really values, i.e. her career.

Trust me: for every woman taking a break from the workplace to raise children there are plenty of replacements waiting to step into her shoes. If you love your career, why risk it?

I also think that children benefit from having a fulfilled mother, even if that means a mother who works full time in a demanding career and even if they see less of her, and that it’s good for little girls to see their mothers go out to work and place the same importance on their careers as men.

Nettle - sounds like good advice.

I am struggling after second ML with career and my two. Both practically and mentally. I am just keeping going. I hope that when they both start school the emotional (guilt) and the practical bits get a bit easier (mainly the no sleep and the morning rush and the constant-ness).

I’m hoping it will be worth it in the long run - :)

What are you thinking now OP?

I posted earlier that I'd taken a career break and never regretted it. I don't, at all, but if I was looking at it purely financially, it wasn't a smart decision. It depends what angle you're coming from. I was never going into senior management so very different to the OP. I think she's well aware she'd take a financial hit though.

Don't throw your career away! It sounds like it's the school that's wrong, not teaching. And as you've described being passionate about a school previously, that suggests that you love being (and are good at being) a teacher.

I made a sideways move (in some ways a demotion) because I wanted a less stressful role, when DC1 was little, and pre-DC2. But I quickly discovered that every job brings its own stress (especially if you're trying to do a good job!). But it was a job that at least kept me in my field and enabled me to move on and upwards when I was ready.

I'm now approaching retirement, and the reality of my pension fund is staring me in the face - all I can say is I'm very glad I didn't give up entirely!

The early years of children are very hard. Teaching is hard. And in a school where you're tasked with significant improvements must make it even harder.

I think you have to give you job a bit more time.I was able to go part time but still felt I wasn't giving my dd enough.
I went back to full time when she went to school but never got my career back on track.
You husband works from home so your children are well cared for and it sounds as if they do see you before sleep and have the weekends and holidays with them.
So,if you take time off would you be satisfied later with being an teacher with a very reduced chance of getting back to where you are now or can you stick with it as it does get easier with time.As a child do you want a happy,enthusiastic mum who is still there at weekends/holidays or a mum that is at home and later has a job she's not happy with.

I felt the same about teaching after DD was born. I was just a classroom teacher so obviously less stress/work etc.
I went back to work when she was 10 months and felt like I was not doing a good enough job at school and not doing enough at home either. I stuck it out for 6 months but left at the end of the academic year.

It was definitely the right decision. I don't feel that I have thrown my career away. I am doing tutoring and exam moderation to keep my head in a bit. I love spending time with my daughter without the split focus.