Husband shoving me

[MrsGB2225]

Been with DH 5 years, married 3 years, have 2 DS (3 and almost 1). I got pregnant shortly into the relationship. When I was pregnant/had the baby DH changed a lot. I’m not sure if I would have stayed with him if it wasn’t for DS. I did though and we are mostly happy.

Sometimes DH can explode. Mostly just shouting and slamming doors.

This afternoon the baby fell over and hit his head literally right in front of DH. DH was very slow to react and basically watched him fall. DH didn’t do this on purpose he just didn’t react fast enough. I said (in not an angry way) “oh DH name”.

He stood up shoved me hard, screamed a bit how I’m always blaming him and then stormed upstairs slamming doors and swearing. Both boys watched this.

I text and said I’m going to my parents tomorrow. He replied saying he didn’t hit me and I’m overreacting. He hasn’t apologised. We can’t talk properly until the boys are in bed.

Am I overreacting?

Even if he doesn’t physically abuse you again. The shouting and slamming doors will keep you controlled by him. In the end you will be saying to your children. Don’t tell Daddy. In case it starts him off.

He controls you using his temper. You will walk on egg shells and appease to avoid another episode without even thinking about it. That is control and that is abuse. Unfortunately I can see the signs only too well now.

Good luck OP. I hope it works out for you.

Please leave - everyone’s life will be so much better. I’m a long-time lurker here and nothing has prompted me to rely to a post in years before reading this.
My first post on here was after my (now ex)H hit me - I didn’t know if it was abuse, or not really ‘serious enough’.
The replies I reconciled pointed out the glaring truth of my situation. And things did escalate. I was terrified about leaving - where would we go, what would we do for money, the boys need their dad etc. etc
I eventually found the courage to throw him out and filed for a divorce. I realised after reading “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft that he was incredibly abusive (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and sexually). But he could be SO lovely sometimes, many times actually and I had grown to believe it was all my fault.
Please don’t stay, you run the risk of being seriously harmed and becoming a shadow of your former self (if you’re not already). Your children are seeing this behaviour as ‘normal’. I bitterly regret not leaving when mine were younger - I tried when they were 5 and 7 and eventually left when they were 12 and 14. At nearly 13 my youngest son was removed by the police for attacking me with a knuckle duster. During police interviews it transpired that it genuinely hadn’t occurred to him that it was wrong or violent. He was simply modelling his dad’s behaviour. After extensive counselling he is now an amazing young man and I’m thankful. I dread to think what else he may have witnessed and learnt as ‘normal’ had I stayed in the marriage.
Not all men shout, slam doors, raise their fists, throw things etc because not all men disrespect women.
I know it feels terrifying at the moment and you will be grieving for the happily ever after, happy family future you IMAGINED you’d have but leaving now may we’ll be the best thing you ever do for yourself and your children.
With love to you now, may you find the strength to go forwards and put yourself and your sanity first xx

• reply - not rely

• received - not reconciled

I haven't had the shoving but at times I have had the angry, door slamming, aggressive husband. It's like a cloud. I too worry about the impact but generally he apologises and both DC knows he's in the wrong when he does this.. here I don't walk on eggshells as tbh he's just letting himself down and the two DC know very well he's lost control, I'm afraid they look down on him when he's behaving like that..which isn't great either. Almost always these things are caused by upbringing and I'm not sure if big long-term changes can be made without major long-term therapy, crucially, motivated by him.. thinking of you op. It's very hard to know the lone, I get that, but that shove has surely shown you it, you might actually be grateful it happened one day, as the door slamming etc is less quantifiable, as such.

My father was an angry man and vicious with his words, though not physically violent. We lived on eggshells for decades, and what he said to me has twisted my soul, even in my late 50s.

Please don't let him do this to his children. Oh, my father also cried and begged forgiveness, then did it again, and again, and again...

You’re all so cut and dried on here .
I wonder how many of you would actually leave a marriage because your husband shoved you in an otherwise ‘normal’ relationship ?
What about if this was the other way round and she shoved him? Still the cries of “leave , abuse , only get worse ! “
I despair ...

good luck op, i certainly wouldnt leave a relationship over a shove in 5 years. some ott posters on here.

Can the posters minimising the aggression please read the full thread because this relationship is not healthy, the OPs husband is demonstrably abusive- shouting, screaming, slamming doors etc, this is not what a good relationship looks like.

OP please get in touch with some support in real life.

He laid his hands on you in violence. And then, instead of being mortified, his first instinct was to minimise.

He assaulted you in front of your children. He gave your boys the message that it is okay to be violent towards women, and indeed violent in general. You need to protect them from that. The very fact he has done that and is minimising it says it all.

Once that line is crossed I think it's impossible to undo.

I hope you're okay OP and safe

He shoved you and slammed around the place but thinks it's ok because "he didn't hit you". He is an abusive fucker, this kind of behaviour is so not ok. If he can't take responsibility for his actions then I think it is unlikely that it won't happen again (but it will be your fault, you know). Sorry if I sound so angry but I work with a lot of women who experience DV and often don't really realise it until way down the track. PLEASE do not be a doormat to this man.

i have rtft.

THere was a time, before I met DH, that I absolutely would have accepted (and did) shoving etc as “normal” and “just losing his temper”. But now I am with DH I understand completely how fucking wrong this is. For people minimalising it, have they understood the context? It was an aggressive shove! I ended up being choked by an ex but STILL thought well it can’t be that bad it’s not punching...

Shoving is dangerous - you or the children could get hurt. If things have deteriorated this far, don't stay in this relationship, for all of your sakes. It only takes one incident of temper for someone to get injured, even if the injury is unintentional.