Husband shoving me

[MrsGB2225]

Been with DH 5 years, married 3 years, have 2 DS (3 and almost 1). I got pregnant shortly into the relationship. When I was pregnant/had the baby DH changed a lot. I’m not sure if I would have stayed with him if it wasn’t for DS. I did though and we are mostly happy.

Sometimes DH can explode. Mostly just shouting and slamming doors.

This afternoon the baby fell over and hit his head literally right in front of DH. DH was very slow to react and basically watched him fall. DH didn’t do this on purpose he just didn’t react fast enough. I said (in not an angry way) “oh DH name”.

He stood up shoved me hard, screamed a bit how I’m always blaming him and then stormed upstairs slamming doors and swearing. Both boys watched this.

I text and said I’m going to my parents tomorrow. He replied saying he didn’t hit me and I’m overreacting. He hasn’t apologised. We can’t talk properly until the boys are in bed.

Am I overreacting?

It may very well take you a little time to come to terms with it OP but things changed irrevocably today. You will be avoiding facing up to that fact (because it's a bloody big shock and you will need time to process it) but, whichever direction you take now, your relationship with him is changed forever and you can never go back to where you were.

That's terrifying, I know it is, every fibre of your being will be craving normality, all you will want is to be able to press rewind and have it not happen so you don't have to face up to what comes next. Because neither of your options are easy, you can stay and deal with the fallout, walk on eggshells, wait to see if he'll do the things he's promised (he won't) and worry about 'next time'. Or you can leave, deal with the upheaval, your DC's reactions and your own devastation that your marriage is over. Neither are attractive options but the latter at least gives you a chance of recovery and a better life once you're through the worst, staying with him could mean living in fear indefinitely.

The crux of this is that violence, of any kind, is never ok. Your H knows this as well as anyone but is either not in control of his actions or has decided it doesn't apply to you. Whichever it is it means you are not safe and you and DC deserve to be safe

This must be so tough for you op, I'm so sorry this happened.

Shoving doesn't 100% mean it will escalate but statistically, it doesn't look great.
It does sound to me like this isn't totally out of character though and that you might know that inside.
Personally, I'd be more concerned by the other behaviours you've talked about. Not sure you'll be able to get the answers you want from a psychiatrist, as someone who knows the system very well.

Just remember, you are worth more than being made to feel like shit. You deserve better and you are strong enough to figure this out, with him or without him. You don't owe him anything.

From experience that push will turn into more as time goes on... more pressure more pushes. Slaps , punches
and worse

Kids don’t need to see that shit huni , they need to know how a woman should be treated properly xxx good luck be strong and know your worth

So very sorry op, this is a horrible situation. Just because he argues better than you doesn’t make him right. Shoving is never acceptable, you know this.
I can see why you want to give it a go but seriously op, I hope you come to the realisation soon that this relationship is doomed. Sorry to be so negative but his behaviour is really unacceptable and scary.
Good luck. Look after yourself and your boys

His behaviour is not ok and YANBU.

Hope you and DC are ok 💐

Yes they always cry. They want to make themselves the victim. Then you’re the one to blame and they are the ones suffering.
He’s trying to manipulate you.

OP what do you plan to do if he can't get a sudden appointment with a psychiatrist? Or the psychiatrist won't feed back to you? What's Plan B?

OP even if he doesn't ever touch you again (which I massively doubt by the way), do you really want to live wondering if every argument will result in him physically assaulting you? You won't be able to have a disagreement without wondering or being terrified he will hurt you again.
I understand why you don't want to leave I really do. But at work I see it every single day (police officer) victims saying they wish they'd left that first time, they wish they hadn't let him work his magic on them for years and years after.
He assaulted you. He broke the law. In front of your children.
If you're not going to leave or call the police, please at least look into safety plans and get one together, for yourself and your children.

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/

I think this LTB is a bit heavy handed. If this is usually out of character for him. Maybe you need to sit down with him and talk, tell him that this is not ok, how it made you feel. Maybe you both need couples counselling like Relate.

Aero I would argue that shoving your wife and mother of your children then stomping out in a rage is a bit heavy handed but you crack on love.

Take time out to think what you want to do, do you want this relationship with him or not! If he is truly sorry, he will work through it with you, and go for counselling. My dh has shoved me in jest, as we were fooling about. I totally feel safe with him.

It is up to op to think about it, Basil and to decide what to do, yes I do think in this case LTB is quite heavy handed.

I am usually the first to say to someone to LTB.

"My dh has shoved me in jest, as we were fooling about."

Ah so you're an expert then! Totally the same experience as the OP!

Not really Another we were play fighting, you know mocking about like some couples do. It was a shove not a hit.

SARCASM

I think op needs to take time out away from her dh and Mumsnet to think about what she wants to do.

Coming on Mumsnet after a falling out is the worst thing you can do causes you so much more stress. I've put up a post before about OH people said to call the police and pack up and leave it was really over the top.

Better to calm down first and then decide if you felt like you were overacting. We all have different relationships A shove might be fine for some couples and not ok for others.

Hope your ok now

I agree bailystime, calm down, take time out from each other to think about what you want to do.

For the idiots people who appear to lack basic comprehension skills. (Re) read these points:

"When I was pregnant/had the baby DH changed a lot. I’m not sure if I would have stayed with him if it wasn’t for DS."

"Sometimes DH can explode. Mostly just shouting and slamming doors."

"He stood up shoved me hard, screamed a bit how I’m always blaming him and then stormed upstairs slamming doors and swearing. Both boys watched this."

"He replied saying he didn’t hit me and I’m overreacting. He hasn’t apologised."

This is not out of character. This is not "just" one argument that got out of hand. If he was a good man who made just one mistake, he would have apologised. There would be no backstory, no history of explosions, no sudden deterioration in behaviour around pregnancy/childbirth.

It's textbook abuse, people. Open your fucking eyes. Stop minimising it.

This isn’t a falling out though. It’s completely different to a couple arguing. This is him throwing his weight around and probably scaring his own kids

When I was pregnant/had the baby DH changed a lot. I’m not sure if I would have stayed with him if it wasn’t for DS. I did though and we are mostly happy.

It sounds to me as if this has been building up for some time. 'Mostly happy' doesn't seem like an overwhelming endorsement of your relationship.

Sometimes DH can explode. Mostly just shouting and slamming doors.

He has an anger problem, and it appears to be escalating. This is his problem, not yours, and he needs to take positive steps to deal with it.

I couldn't live with an aggressive man, OP. But that's me. You may choose differently, but please consider that at 3yo my DDs were absorbing everything they saw and heard. They had amazing memories for the smallest details. This is a very important time in your oldest child's life, and how their parents treat each other will become part of how your child understands relationships.

We all have different relationships A shove might be fine for some couples and not ok for others.

Fucking hell. Who the fuck is a ‘shove’ ok for?

Last night I looked a lot through the profiles of abusers. My husband doesn’t really fit any of them. I go and see friends freely, spend freely, voice my own opinions etc, it’s more his anger management. I don’t fear him, but I understand things aren’t good and have escalated.

He saw a psychiatrist today which I have had confirmed. The psychiatrist wouldn’t tell me his opinion on the session though for a couple of reasons.

For the first time my husband has admitted that slamming doors and swearing etc is wrong. His parents argue this way and that’s what he was used to. He now knows this is wrong.

He saw the boys for an hour around bedtime and is now going back to the hotel.
I do feel like I deserve to give him one last chance for the sake of the family. If anything like it happens again I can 100 percent guarantee I will leave.

What about the list of signs of emotional abuse? How many things on the list does he do?