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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband shoving me

119 replies

MrsGB2225 · 25/11/2018 18:06

Been with DH 5 years, married 3 years, have 2 DS (3 and almost 1). I got pregnant shortly into the relationship. When I was pregnant/had the baby DH changed a lot. I’m not sure if I would have stayed with him if it wasn’t for DS. I did though and we are mostly happy.

Sometimes DH can explode. Mostly just shouting and slamming doors.

This afternoon the baby fell over and hit his head literally right in front of DH. DH was very slow to react and basically watched him fall. DH didn’t do this on purpose he just didn’t react fast enough. I said (in not an angry way) “oh DH name”.

He stood up shoved me hard, screamed a bit how I’m always blaming him and then stormed upstairs slamming doors and swearing. Both boys watched this.

I text and said I’m going to my parents tomorrow. He replied saying he didn’t hit me and I’m overreacting. He hasn’t apologised. We can’t talk properly until the boys are in bed.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Bloomini · 25/11/2018 18:27

Please ignore the PP saying they'd "get over it".

Having 2 small children and being married to someone who "explodes" slams doors, screams and now fucking shoves you hard whilst screaming at you is not a great way to live. Don't minimise his violence or abuse.

He is bang out of order and you have to consider whether you want to keep living like this?

WoofWoofMooWoof · 25/11/2018 18:28

It starts with verbal/emotional abuse. Then a few shoves, but nothing too serious, and you deserve it, right? Then a few harder shoves, 'playful' slaps/punches. Then the punches get harder, because you won't listen and you 'deserve' it right. He'll have you believe you deserve it.

Before you know it you're in hospital covered in bruises with some broken bones. And you and your DC will be emotional wrecks and walking on eggshells all the time. But you deserve it, right?

Get out while you still can, and while you still have your sanity intact.

AnotherEmma · 25/11/2018 18:29

OP, you don't have to make any permanent decisions right now. You can go to your parents and take some time to think. Just take essential documents with you (yours and children's passports and birth certificates, etc) just in case.

If the ultimate outcome is to end the relationship, you wouldn't be the one to break up the family. He's the one breaking it with his abusive behaviour.

But please don't worry about that just yet. You need support and headspace before you can make such a big decision.

Flowers
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 25/11/2018 18:38

I've been in a relationship where I was pushed like this and I forgave hi, accepting that I had provoked him and was too fat, too feminist, not beautiful enough so it was really my fault. It got worse. Much worse.

My husband and I have been together for about 25 years and he has never pushed me, or hit me, or been in any way violent, despite us having had some really blistering rows. He made a choice. I don't believe for a second that he couldn't control himself.

If you leave him now, you have a chance to tell your children that you didn't get on, or weren't suited or whatever else you want. If you stay, they will continue to see you being abused. Which is worse, really? Isn't the standard advice that even one incident of violence is too many? I didn't take this advice, but thankfully I had no children at that time.

MulticolourMophead · 25/11/2018 18:41

It’s just I want to be sure before I break up the family.

It won't be you breaking the family up, it'll be him and his behaviour. You have DC, therefore he has a responsibility to act like a grown up, and ditch the abusive behaviour.

JudasPrudy · 25/11/2018 18:43

First it's you, then it's the boys. LTB

craftinglife · 25/11/2018 18:46

Your boys are at the age where they form their understandings of relationships through watching their parents and immediate family. They are learning that Daddies get angry at Mummies and it's okay to show that anger and lash out. Please get rid of this man as I promise you will regret it if you don't. LTB and save your children's future relationships

timeisnotaline · 25/11/2018 18:52

You won’t be breaking up the family. You’ve been assaulted , your husband has assaulted you. He’s breaking up the family. I would suggest calling the police and seeing what they say- to help you legitimise it in your own brain, and to help protect you in any future engagement (minimal I hope) with your ‘d’h as it shows him you have boundaries. He is escalating already and you should leave. Take essential documents even if you don’t think it’s forever. He’s admitted it by text really so that’s good.

Original poster
MrsGB2225 · 25/11/2018 18:59

I’m putting the boys to bed tonight and just feel so awful that the life as they know it is over. I feel so bad for them.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 25/11/2018 19:01

There isn’t an argument to be had- he put his hands on you, since when is that justifiable

MrsChristianTrevelyanGrey · 25/11/2018 19:02

Don't feel bad for them OP, if you decide to leave then they will grow up in a safe secure environment not having to watch their dad shove (or worse) their mum Thanks

SandraTheBee · 25/11/2018 19:03

Don't feel bad- can you imagine how awful their lives would have been if you stayed with him? I can tell you, it would be hell and they would be fucked up messes- like my kids.

AnotherEmma · 25/11/2018 19:05

It's ok to feel sad. It's sad that he's not the man you hoped he was. Flowers

Anxiousandtearful · 25/11/2018 19:10

It is abuse. He is trying to control you through intimidation and whether or not it escalates you shouldn’t have to live like this. What would happen is you would end up walking on egg shells for years to avoid another temper tantrum and wait for an apology that would never come. Leave when the boys are young. Don’t wait like I did thinking things would improve if only I could make things run smoothly to avoid an explosion. I only got out recently and regret not leaving years ago so much.

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 25/11/2018 19:11

You need to feel bad for you too. You deserve much, much better. Get away and have a think.

RedDogsBeg · 25/11/2018 19:18

As others have said you don't need to argue back at him. His behaviour is totally unacceptable, he has left three frightened and shocked people in his wake two of which are very young children and he thinks that is fine because he didn't hit you?

It is far better for your children if this life as they know it is over, please don't subject them to living in this toxic and dangerous environment.

His behaviour is not fine, it is not acceptable, it not justifiable, it is not your fault, neither you nor your children should put up with this or live like this, it is not you who is breaking up the family.

lilySalvatore · 25/11/2018 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 25/11/2018 19:19

You are worth far more than this. At least you know its over and you are not breaking the family, you are fixing it by removing yourself and the boys from this.

Contact Women's Aid and a solicitor but don't let on anything to him just yet. There will be other posters who have been through this.

timeisnotaline · 25/11/2018 19:24

You should have a celebratory glass of wine for your boys when you get to your mums. You are showing them healthy loving relationships don’t allow this and giving them a childhood free of an angry shouting man who shoves and hits (he will) their mum. You are giving them a chance to find lovely people to be happy spending their lives with and having children with.

WoofWoofMooWoof · 25/11/2018 19:26

I can tell you, it would be hell and they would be fucked up messes- like my kids.

I agree. I left my ex when my DTDs were 4. They're now 10 and still frequently say: Remember that time when daddy hit you? Or: remember how daddy used to shout at you? He's hurt them as well and the police were involved.

You may think we're exaggerating, but we're not, unfortunately. These things always escalate.

trojanpony · 25/11/2018 19:27

Your initial instinct is 100% right, don’t doubt yourself.

his behaviour is unacceptable and please remember you don’t have to “win the argument” to leave him. You can leave a perfect lovely kind man simply because you aren’t happy and don’t love him.

This man is not kind or lovely and doesn’t respect you.

Good luck Flowers

AnotherEmma · 25/11/2018 19:29

Please be gentle, everyone.
I agree with you all but a thread full of "LTB NOW" will probably be overwhelming for the OP to read atm.
One step at a time.

AnotherEmma · 25/11/2018 19:30

PS Not aimed at anyone in particular btw, and many people have been gentle, so I'm not trying to attack anyone!

Original poster
MrsGB2225 · 25/11/2018 19:49

He saw I packed a suitcase and I told him he was going to my parents tomorrow. He doesn’t want me to go. Ive told him to move out to a hotel tonight and to see someone tomorrow (a psychiatrist I guess?!) to talk about why he did this. I will speak to the psychiatrist after the session.

Im not sure if this is the right decision but I have to give him one chance to fix this for the sake of our boys. I do absolutely promise though if it ever happens again we are done.

I’m sorry to everyone who have had such horrible experiences. I am listening to what you are saying and will read the links people have kindly added, but I need to try one last time.

OP posts:
ScottyDog7 · 25/11/2018 19:51

OP I can understand that you feel bad, sorry, sad and even possibly guilty that you are taking the step to leave and 'break' the boys' family up. But is that not so much better than the other option. Even if he never goes past a hard shove and screaming what sort of life is that for the boys? To be scared that Dad might start slamming doors any second because ... well just because.
And what if he shoves you and you fall, what if he gets annoyed with one of the kids and shoves them, or slams a door just as one of them tries to follow him or one of the kids tells a teacher about these issues at home and SS come and want to know about it all... All these things can and do happen!

It's so hard to leave, I understand that. You will feel bad and you will feel guilty. But you need to contact the police to get it on file that he is aggressive, physically and verbally abusive and use that to argue that he can only have supervised access to the children. They come first, and they need you to stay strong. Do the hard things and leave. Keep them safe at all costs.
Good luck OP, and take it one step at a time.