Husband shoving me

[MrsGB2225]

Been with DH 5 years, married 3 years, have 2 DS (3 and almost 1). I got pregnant shortly into the relationship. When I was pregnant/had the baby DH changed a lot. I’m not sure if I would have stayed with him if it wasn’t for DS. I did though and we are mostly happy.

Sometimes DH can explode. Mostly just shouting and slamming doors.

This afternoon the baby fell over and hit his head literally right in front of DH. DH was very slow to react and basically watched him fall. DH didn’t do this on purpose he just didn’t react fast enough. I said (in not an angry way) “oh DH name”.

He stood up shoved me hard, screamed a bit how I’m always blaming him and then stormed upstairs slamming doors and swearing. Both boys watched this.

I text and said I’m going to my parents tomorrow. He replied saying he didn’t hit me and I’m overreacting. He hasn’t apologised. We can’t talk properly until the boys are in bed.

Am I overreacting?

How is he going to arrange a psychiatrist appointment by tomorrow and what he says to a mental health professional should be confidential ?

He’s in a hotel indefinitely at the moment
So there’s not an agreement he is back tomorrow. His work is flexible so I’m hoping he will get a daytime appointment tomorrow.
I had a look online and mental health professionals are able to share information so he can’t use the confidentiality argument.

Im just interested in everyone’s opinions. He’s a clever guy, better at arguing than me. I need opinions/good responses to argue my case

Sorry not yet rtf but this stood out, you don't need to argue your case.
You don't need a reason, your an adult.
Just leave. Now.

My husband used to explode with no warning as well, shout at me in front of the children and charge at me and shove me off my feet. Like you I didn't realize it was abuse because he wasn't hitting me.
We went to a marriage counselor in Sep last year who told us both his behaviour was abusive, and he could lose his teaching job if it came out.
I thought he would change, I didn't want to break up our family. We started going to counseling with a different counselor and he made me promise not to discuss the abuse.
We stayed together for another seven months, me trying so hard and believing things were better because his violence was less frequent.
He used that extra time to set aside all the money he could, leaving me with overdraft. He phoned the police in Oct last year to report me as violent and controlling, saying he only ever shoved me in self defense after I assaulted him.
He waited to leave me in April when he had already lined up his next relationship, and came home covered in lovebites. He's 35 not a teen, and went to school to teach with them.
He spread rumours that I'm mentally ill and abusive. When he first left I even believed him and went to a helpful Mind counselor who referred me to domestic abuse support instead.
Now six months later he's taking me to court accusing me of everything he can think of, child abduction, domestic violence, parental alienation, child neglect. Social services are conducting a 12 week investigation and his lies are unraveling luckily, because the children say he was the violent one not me.
If I could go back to last year I wish I had left him before he had the chance to plot. I was distraught and shocked when he left because I thought our relationship had improved. Luckily I'm feeling stronger now, and the children are happier, our home is more relaxed.
Abusive men won't change, and in my experience marriage counseling just makes you more vulnerable and gives your abuser more insight into your weaknesses. You won't regret leaving him and giving your children a better life now while they are too young to be damaged by his behaviour.

He’s not going to get a psychiatrist’s appointment tomorrow. Sorry but that just isn’t going to happen, he’ll be waiting a while.

So whilst he’s at a hotel, get organised. Get all your documents together - you’ll find a list here under “what to include in your safety packing list”

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

A shove from my husband would be considered an act of violence. He’d put me through the wall and is way stronger than me even while not being massive. I don’t think saying LTB is particularly helpful to say to you, even though I believe it, but you’re not there at all. The fact that he’s shoved you and then immediately piped up that he didn’t hit you, means he’s quickly come to the realisation that he needs to start minimising ASAP. Shoving, door slamming, screaming, in front of two toddlers too, says a person has lost their mind - or has their mind and they think it’s acceptable. Either way it needs dealing with with professional help right away. I would ask him to keep away until he’s seen someone and would expect him to keep seeing someone until you’re satisfied that he truly understands how disgusting he’s been. I’m guessing he’s done similar before? FWIW I have to totally disagree with the whole “breaking up the family” thing. It feels that way, but it’s not you is it, it’s him and his behaviour. I grew up in an abusive household and can’t even think sometimes the shit I witnessed. Sometimes I get little flashbacks of things that have lain dormant for 30+ years. An old fashioned filter coffee pot, the sound of a door being slammed, even random stuff like the smell of strong hairspray that reminds me of my mum in the 80s and what that was all like. Removing children from an abusive household is the right thing to do. It will upset them initially, but as I’m always saying to people, we are parents and not their friends. We love them and want them to be happy and have what we are conditioned to belive is a ‘proper’ family, but we really have a duty to protect their mental as well as physical health. That includes removing them from emotionally damaging situations such as witnessing the abuse of a parent.

Im sorry op but this sounds like the start of a bad situation. Control usually starts during or shortly after a pregnancy because they struggle with attention being drawn away from them and to the baby. What you are describing sounds like the start of a slippery slop (which may have been going in an emotional way for some time). For the well being of yourself and your children i think youre best off getting out now. If you arnt sure about how best to do this without it escalating, theyre are charities accross local areas who can help you with safe housing etc. My sister in law recently went through this (again.. long stories) and has a lot of help from the local domestic abuse charity to get on her feet. Good luck. Dont ler him guilt you at any stage.

You'll never win or out-smart someone like this. You need to leave

You're in shock. Understandably. He's shoved you. In anger.

If you let him return, even after counselling and time apart - you are saying what he did was OK. So next time, and there WILL be a next time, that shove will be just a little bit harder. And the time after that. You've had an insight today into what he's capable of.

You don't need to make any decisions in haste, but you do need to keep him away while you think this through logically. Regardless of who he sees, you need to talk to Women's Aid and get some professional guidance so you can make an informed choice.

A psychiatrist won’t fix this.
He shoved you.
He blamed you.
He thinks it’s ok to shout and slam doors and now act violently towards you.
He’s trying to force you into staying.
But he has no intention of changing.

It is vaguely possible the shoving may not escalate, but based on past history is it really a chance you want to take ? Even living with shouting and slamming doors is no life for you or your sons. I hope you are able to get the help you need.

And just remember OP you're not the cause of this and therefore NOT the one breaking up the family.

He didn't care to moderate his behaviour in front of the children so he is telling them this is how grown ups act and treat others.

Next time the text will be "I didn't hit you that hard"

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply. He cried a lot but left around 8. Lots of internet and soul searching tonight.

OP don't be a fool. Do not let him home. This behaviour cannot be undone and it never changes. Ever. It might be 'fine' for a few weeks, a few months or even a few years. Then it will happen again. But worse.

Your little boys witnessed it. If they witness worse it will stay with them and it will damage them even if they don't remember the act.

MrsGB2225 They always cry it is a means of making you feel sorry for him as it plays to female sensitivities don't be fooled by it.

Judge him on his actions not on his words and attempts at emotional manipulation and guilt tripping.

They always cry it is a means of making you feel sorry for him as it plays to female sensitivities don't be fooled by it.

^^This

Also, from now on, you'll forever be worrying what you say in case it sets him off again. You'll second guess yourself. You'll carefully weigh what you're going to say first and try and figure if there's a better way to say it that won't upset him. You'll be walking on eggshells. No way to live, sorry.

He shoved you and threw a tantrum in front of your kids. You already said if it wasn't for them you would not be together.
Couples counselling may help.
Don't feel sad for your kids, they would rather have two happy parents apart than miserable ones together.

The trouble is, if you tolerate this behaviour, you are telling him it’s acceptable. I understand leaving is a scary prospect and obviously you’re feeling bad for your dc. I think his behaviour is unacceptable and has escalated. At the very least I would insist dh signs up to an anger management course immediately. If he won’t entertain the idea then I’d leave as planned. That way you can say he’s had the chance to do right by his wife and kids.

Sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds awful.

I'm not sure if your husband was going to try to see a psychiatrist or psychologist privately, or via the NHS. If it's the former then he might be able to get an appointment fairly soon but I'd have thought that tomorrow was pushing it. Via NHS it will take weeks, maybe months.

Also MH professionals are absolutely bound by confidentiality. The only circumstances where they would share information is if there was an immediate and/or serious risk to that client from themselves or to someone else from the client. And even then the information would be limited and only given to certain people who absolutely needed to know (e.g. police or Social Services, who would then take appropriate action, they wouldn't call the potential victim themselves). They absolutely wouldn't be sharing the why's and wherefors of his reflections on why he behaved like that with you. Or any content of the session without your husband's written permission.

The only information I can seen they would potentially share in this situation is with SS re safeguarding children if they felt in any way your child was at risk from your husband (including witnessing domestic violence). You haven't mentioned anything to suggest you would be classed officially as a vulnerable adult in terms of safeguarding. I hope you find a way through this, it does sound like your husband needs help understanding an managing his anger. His behaviour was absolutely not acceptable, no matter how hurt he felt. It's okay (often healthy) to feel angry. It's never okay to act out that anger by assaulting someone.

Seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow? And you'll Speak to them after?.... Do you live in the UK?

Also yep, they ALWAYS cry! Always. Certainly in the U.K. you wouldn’t be able to speak to a psychologist about another person’s session. I don’t think they can even confirm if they’ve seen them, spouse or not. I’m not a psychologist, but am bound by certain confidentiality agreements. There’s no way I could discuss someone I’ve worked with to anyone outside of the police (if they met threshold for concerns), or SS child protection. Even that, there are margins of context, relevance etc. I couldn’t just talk to a relative or spouse.

Not for a moment condoning his behavior but it does make me wonder why some me get like that?, what is it that makes them on a short fuse most all of the time is it maybe he can't cope with the marriage or the children, other work related pressure building up on him perhaps he can't cope with those or deal with them or express himself or communicate to his partner?.

I have had a good friend who went through similar. Her dh argued with her when they were out. She had no money with her and he shouted at her and then got in their car and drove off. He switched his phone up and left her stranded. It was a couple of years ago and freezing out. She rang me crying and I went and collected her. She did not want tp go home so stayed at ours overnight. She had 3 year old at home and the next morning I drove her home and waited outside in case of problem. He dh screamed at her as he had not been able to go to work on time and pushed her down into chair then stomped out. She packed her and dc's bags and left. I knew he had a short fuse but later she told me he regularly screamed at her in front of their child. He did not ring her for over a week to see where she was and how dc was, nothing. For her it was over and she has been happier since. She is now in new relationship and so happy. Don't be bullied in your own home. Talk to dh and see if he is still emotionally there for you or not. He may be being mean to you to make you leave so he won't get blame for relationship failing.

To answer your last question, yes, my DH shoved me once in an argument and has never touched me since, that was over a decade ago and I am almost certain he never would again. Tempers were very high at that particular moment.