Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

DH left me at the hospital

108 replies

Mummytowooter · 25/11/2018 09:43

Woke up early hours of Saturday with lower abdo pain. Spent 6 hours in A&E last night. Finally discharged at 0330. Never really settled and still in pain (sharp stabbing) so asked DH to bring me back to A&E. We have DD(5yo), only child. I asked him to come with me (I was alone overnight as DD at home asleep), no other local relatives to help or come and keep me company. Anyway, he’s told me he’s not staying aaa he doesn’t want to sit in A&E with DD! If it were him (and it has been in the past, dislocated shoulder then surgery) there’s not question I would sit with him with DD and keep him company.

I feel like i don’t matter to him. I’m a grown adult and capable of sitting in A&E by myself but I’d asked for his support and i don’t feel I’ve got it.

He’s not a bad husband. Can be a bit selfish at times but we loveeach other very much. It just seems like everything is too much trouble.

I’m in pain, not slept for over 24 hrs other than cat naps, tearful and scared. AIBU?

OP posts:

Redcrayons · 25/11/2018 10:12

Do you have a friend who could come and sit with you for a bit?

Knittedfairies · 25/11/2018 10:13

I think many people would be feeling as you do OP, when in pain and not necessarily thinking straight. I hope you feel better soon💐

TheHauntedFishtank · 25/11/2018 10:13

Hope you feel better soon. I’ve been in a&e alone and it is rubbish but definitely easier than having to deal with a bored 5yo! Fingers crossed you get sorted soon and can have a rest

Original poster

Mummytowooter · 25/11/2018 10:15

No family here. We’re in the midlands. His first parents are down south. My mum his op north and having chemo for breast cancer and there’s no way I’d have her in A&E with me. No local close friends. We haven’t been here long and we don’t really know many people

OP posts:

MumW · 25/11/2018 10:15

I can understand why you are upset but at least you know now that you don't have to suffer A&E with your DC if he needs to go at any point in the future. He's set the precedent now.

Hope you get whatever is causing your pain sorted soon.

Original poster

Mummytowooter · 25/11/2018 10:15

DD not had flu vaccine yet. Has it Tuesday this week

OP posts:

AnoukSpirit · 25/11/2018 10:16

If anyone asked him what was wrong with me I doubt he’d even know what the conditions were called

That's really sad though. There's being used to you coping and therefore underestimating how much support you need, and there's not giving a fuck.

You're not unreasonable for wanting care and support from him when you are in pain, tired, and frightened. That's a very basic expectation.

You're also not wasting their time. Abdo pain can be minor or it can be an absolute emergency. They exist to make sure people are safe and okay. Guesswork does not meet that standard.

AnotherEmma · 25/11/2018 10:18

I went to A&E by myself recently for similar reasons (severe abdominal pain, DH had to stay home with DS) and it was miserable.

Is there anyone else who could be with you or look after DD so that DH could be with you?

Have they done blood tests?

What pain relief have they given you?

BrokenWing · 25/11/2018 10:23

I'm in the same situation, appointment finally came through a couple of days ago for scan next week (4 week wait). Have they at least given you some strong pain meds? I had 30/500 cocodamol which didn't help and gave me itchy skin and now have tramadol for when I need it (pain comes and goes some days are ok) but I try to avoid taking as it floors me and I can't drive (I've been working from home a lot recently).

I had protien and blood in urine a couple of times, but clear now and no infection but they think maybe something kidney related.

Is tough in A&E alone but your dd can't be there, is there really noone else who can help with dd or come sit with you.

Original poster

Mummytowooter · 25/11/2018 10:23

Had blood tests last night. Shows raised white cells. No Ultrasound or other scan. Had a poke and a prod and then sent me packing last night. Nothing done this morning yet. Not sure what else they can do. Just been moved to urgent care which is fine by me. Don’t want to be in A&E if not necessary. It’s much calmer here. The nhs trust I’m at is having massive issues at the minute and I really don’t want to add to that.

OP posts:

ColdCrumpetsAndButter · 25/11/2018 10:24

Totally understand you feeling neglected but when you have children it changes things especially when the children are still young and can't be left.

I recall having to go into hospital on my own as there was no way my DH could sit and wait with our young children and neither could he visit as we don't have anyone nearby to help. I was fine with it. I wouldn't put him or the kids through it. Waiting rooms are so not the place for kids.

Evidencebased · 25/11/2018 10:25

Sorry you're having a hard time.
Sounds like you're absolutely doing the right thing returning, and I hope something more productive happens this time.

Many men are not so good at being sympathetic and expressing support. Some of them, it's because they're not so nice, some because of the way boys are socialized in our society. ' Caring' is often seem as ' women's Stuff'.

I can see why you'd feel unsupported, being left alone at the hospital.
I had the opposite: a DH who refused to leave. Lovely, you may think, but actually I had to take part in looking after the children, even though I felt too unwell, and begged him to take them home.

It may not make much difference, as he could only stay in the waiting room: he'd be expected to leave with a child once you got beyond the door , as DC wouldn't be allowed.

Original poster

Mummytowooter · 25/11/2018 10:27

No there’s no one else. My brother is local but we’ve been no contact for 5 years. Only recently got back in touch when my mum had her breast surgery. (She’s got cancer). It’s early days for us and things are fragile. Plus he had 3DD at home 2 of which are on the spectrum. One of which is v.difficult to manage with behavioural issues. He works here so knows it well. I couldn’t ask him for favours. It’s too soon

OP posts:

TenForward82 · 25/11/2018 10:27

Can you suggest a uterine (uterus) infection? I had that, was awful. Or Appendicitis?

Original poster

Mummytowooter · 25/11/2018 10:29

I will. I already sugggested diverticulitis last night as well. I was worried about my ovary as well. I’m not planning anymore DC but could really do without that surgery 😁

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummytowooter · 25/11/2018 10:30

It’s so much calmer here. Thank you all ❤️

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 25/11/2018 10:31

If you're in urgent care that's good, hope they take good care of you.

Sorry DH is being unsympathetic btw, perhaps he's the type to focus on the practical things and not so good at emotional support? How would he react if you told him you're feeling rubbish and would appreciate some sympathy and moral support?

Lalliella · 25/11/2018 10:32

I mean this kindly but you are the grown up. You need to do what’s best for your child which means she shouldn’t be sat in A&E for hours on end, bored and worried about you, watching you in pain, probably exposed to lots of bugs. Much better that her dad takes her elsewhere and distracts her. You can phone him when you have some news. Hope you get sorted

EtVoilaBrexit · 25/11/2018 10:33

I agree that men aren’t socialised to offer support. It doesn’t mean it’s righ or that it’s not hurtful to you. There are plenty of ways he couod have shown his support wo going with you (eg check if you wanted him to bring you something, offer to bring you lunch if you were still there etc etc)

The fact he is used to you coping is, in some ways not here nor there. Because this time you asked for support. Dismissing it wasn’t right.

I hope the doctors will find what’s going on there pretty quickly!

MyOtherProfile · 25/11/2018 10:33

Do you have contact details of any school friends of dd? If so you could message a couple, explain that you are in hospital and is there any chance dd could come for a play date today? Offer to repay the favour when you're well. Then dh could come in for a couple of hours.

category12 · 25/11/2018 10:34

Sorry OP. Hope you feel better soon.

Aside from this occasion, ongoing, if your DH is used to you just coping, then it's a question of whether he would be more supportive if you asked him for more help/showed him how you're sometimes struggling. If you know you can't lean on him, it's a question of can you live with that and find other support, or not.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 25/11/2018 10:43

I had to leave my DP in A and E with a suspected asthma/ chest infection breathing difficulties because our 5 year old was getting silly and there were a lot of people with mental health issues who were freaking her ( and us) out a lot with fights and swearing and constant slamming doors/sirens/loud tanoys.
I did however rush back to pick her up and take good care of her for the rest of the day to make her feeler loved and cared for. Some D.P are sometimes a bit shit at taking care of their wives in the way we want to be taken care of. Most of them need training in " this is how I want you to love an show affection to me" if he does not listen and do it the way you like then it could be an indication he is just not that into you any more and you should consider if the relationship still works for you xx

bevelino · 25/11/2018 10:45

OP, I hope you get a diagnosis and feel better soon. You have handled yourself very well on this thread by the way.

Original poster

Mummytowooter · 25/11/2018 10:49

Just come out. Have diverticulitis. Have antibiotics, buscopan and nil by mouth (food and dairy) for 24 hours.

OP posts:

rainbowstardrops · 25/11/2018 10:49

OP it's no wonder you were feeling fragile and a bit abandoned as you're in pain and suffering from lack of sleep too.
I'm glad your DD is at home though and I hope you start to feel better soon

Flip

1 2 3 4 5