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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to have the same surname as my children?

95 replies

KnightlyMyMan · 25/11/2018 09:07

DP and I are getting married early next year- with a view to starting a family quite quickly afterwards.

So far I thought we were very much on the same page - I would take his name- we’d made lots of reference to this over the months (I don’t really like my surname as it’s foreign from many generations ago and a pain to spell!)

Anyway - last night he asked me “So what are you going to do about your name?”

He wanted to know if I would keep my own, double barrel or take his? I asked if he wanted me to take his and he just sort of shrugged it off- like ‘whatever you want’- and did not seem fussed at all! Awesome!

I said fine- maybe double barelling would be better and it doesn’t sound terrible for the kids...etc. NO- he jumped in at this point very clear that the children should have his and ‘only’ his surname as he is the last of his his name (🙄 another reason I’d assumed we would all have his name)

At this point I got quite annoyed, it’s fine for me to take whatever name I want - he’s not fussed about me having his name but expects I’ll willingly have a different one to my own children? 😠 I’m sorry, are they more his than mine? I just did not like that assumption or attitude and felt a bit put out last night.

In fairness - I don’t think he meant it to sound as it did - as he has no track record of controlling or bad behaviour. Generally very very lovely guy! But was I being unreasonable to think it was a bit patronising the ‘you can call yourself whatever but you’re not calling my kids anything but my name?’

OP posts:
LostInShoebiz · 25/11/2018 09:09

Essentially you both agree that all of you can have the same name. There are going to be lots more debates to be had when you have a child. Pick your battles.

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/11/2018 09:09

It sounds like you’re over thinking this.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 25/11/2018 09:10

He couldn’t really win in that conversation!

HappyPunky · 25/11/2018 09:11

It's a joint decision and if you want to double barrel that's perfectly reasonable.

Bear in mind that if you're married he can register them without you.

RedDwarves · 25/11/2018 09:11

I'm confused. You said you'd already decided that you were taking his surname. You said you've made reference to this "over the months". Don't get your knickers in a knot over nothing.

Original poster
KnightlyMyMan · 25/11/2018 09:12

I figured I might be BU, I’m quite hormonal right now and we’d had a long day yesterday!

OP posts:
BertramKibbler · 25/11/2018 09:12

I think you’re over thinking things. You wanted to take his name anyway so take it and give your children your new family name and there’s no issue

Original poster
KnightlyMyMan · 25/11/2018 09:13

I think it was that which confused me. I did say ‘I really thought this was settled and we were on the same page, it feels pointless that you’re ‘now’ asking me about it...like it hasn’t already been mentioned a million times’

OP posts:
marvellousnightforamooncup · 25/11/2018 09:16

I'd be annoyed at his belief that he gets final say on the children's names without a discussion too. Luckily you don't mind taking his name though.

You could keep your maiden name as a middle name if you want by the way.

explodingkitten · 25/11/2018 09:20

My DH said that he didn't care one way or the other if I used his name or not. I double barrelled but I sometimes only use his last name. You should see him glow when I do that, he looks so proud and happy, like : this is my partner and she uses my name. Not in a controlling way, just a bit cute. I think that he really wanted me to use his name for emotional reasons but he daren't say that because it sounds old fashioned and controlling. I mean, it can never go well can it, to just say: I want you to use my name?

EATmum · 25/11/2018 09:22

Like Marvellous suggested, my former surname is a middle name for the whole family now - my DH included. I was happy for us all to have one identity but mine was important too, so it seemed a good way forwards.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 25/11/2018 09:22

I'm confused too. At no point has he said you can not take his name.

Maybe hes aware that many women dislike taking husbands name. Maybe hes on mumsnet where there is often threads about it being the brides right NOT to take the mans name. He was giving you the option of either keeping your name or doubling barrelling so you would to me be him trying to respect you and presuming you want to keep your own identity.

At no point has he seemed to said you cant take his name, or hes as you said expect you to have a different name to your kids. He was just underwhelmed by the fact you want to take his name. I think most people would be. It would be an assumtion. What did you expect him to throw a masdive party and announce your taking his name......hang on isnt that a wedding

Oilybeans · 25/11/2018 09:23

He offered what you wanted. Rather the just accept it you created a pointless drama.

DryIce · 25/11/2018 09:28

I don't think you're over thinking it, that would be a huge deal to me - not so much what you do with your name, but the idea that he has the final say, no further discussion, on the kids surnames.

empmalswa · 25/11/2018 09:28

He probably read some feminist banging on about how women should never change their names and was trying to give you the opt out in case you didn't actually want to change.

Realistically you wanted to change, he is happy for you change. End of story.

ImNotKitten · 25/11/2018 09:29

Am I reading a different OP to everyone else?

NO- he jumped in at this point very clear that the children should have his and ‘only’ his surname as he is the last of his his name

His attitude and insistence that any dc would have his name and his name only would be a major issue for me. It’s not his sole decision and someone telling me what I’d be naming a baby I had carried and given birth to would be a sure fire turn off and concern to me.

BikeRunSki · 25/11/2018 09:32

You want to take his name
He wants your future children to take his name
Added to this you don’t even like your name Further added to this your DHto-be is the last person with his name.

I don’t really see the problem

53rdWay · 25/11/2018 09:33

It sounds like you're all on the same page about what name you all want to have, so that part should be fine. But I'd be fairly annoyed that he was saying the children's last name would be his decision alone and not a joint one.

GunpowderGelatine · 25/11/2018 09:33

What a controlling twat.

If you're married he doesn't need to be there when you register their names so just go and have it the same as yours. HE IBVH

QueenGoblin · 25/11/2018 09:35

I think you are overthinking it. If you're happy to take his name and that really isn't a problem, the rest is just unnecessary drama.

I chose not to take my husbands name, he knew very early on that this would be the case if we were to ever get married. He wasn't that thrilled back then, but I have always said to him that our children would have his. I don't mind that. Not sharing a surname doesn't make us any less of a family.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/11/2018 09:35

Some names don't double barrel well. Mine was the sort of surname that sounded crap with everything. Just take DHs, you aren't betraying your feminist sisters or whatever.

AJPTaylor · 25/11/2018 09:37

You assumed you would take his name and wanted to.
He said he was not making that assumption and up to you
You though you would maybe double barrell, may be for kids too
He said kids to have my name ( which moments before is what you had assumed and wanted)

Lol. Keep your surname as a middle name if you want. You all have dhs surname. Cos that it what you both want.
Or did I miss it?

randomonhere · 25/11/2018 09:38

I’m trying to understand where you’re coming from with this thread Knightly. Is it that you feel that if you’re going to the trouble of changing you name, you want it to actually mean something to him, otherwise what’s the point? If so, I can see why this is hurtful. It’s an identity change for you, but he doesn’t really care or see it as special?

In a way though, he can’t win. For instance, my DH was very clear he wanted me to have his name and he wasn’t really entertaining anything else. Many people would see that as dogmatic these days.

Yes, it is hypocritical that it’s a big deal to him that the children have his name, but not you - I could see how you could interpret that as he cares less about you, in a way? But I think he was just trying to not appear entitled, or something along those lines. Talk to him again and spell out why the name change is significant to you and it’s hurtful that he doesn’t seem to care.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/11/2018 09:39

I kept my maiden name in the UK and used that with my married surname, not double barrelled (no hyphen) but just used both surnames. Was easier for professional reasons.
DS1 has my maiden name as a middle name; DS2 doesn't. DH wasn't over happy about it as it looked like DS1 had a double surname, same as mine - but he got over it.
He did request that I only use married name in Australia though, as no one knew me by maiden name there - no issue to me.
DS2 doesn't have my maiden name as a middle name.

Do what suits you and don't get tied up in knots over it.

PetticoatLaine · 25/11/2018 09:40

He is being a cheeky sod to lay down the ‘my name and only my name’ diktat for the children, in the event that you chose to double barrel or not change your name.

Tell him you should both double barrell on marriage, and then the children will have his name Grin his new married, double barrelled name!

However since you had already intended to change to his name it might be best to just say “I thought you knew I had already decided that I would change my name? “ and then add “so I will be passing my surname, my new one, to the children”