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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to have the same surname as my children?

95 replies

KnightlyMyMan · 25/11/2018 09:07

DP and I are getting married early next year- with a view to starting a family quite quickly afterwards.

So far I thought we were very much on the same page - I would take his name- we’d made lots of reference to this over the months (I don’t really like my surname as it’s foreign from many generations ago and a pain to spell!)

Anyway - last night he asked me “So what are you going to do about your name?”

He wanted to know if I would keep my own, double barrel or take his? I asked if he wanted me to take his and he just sort of shrugged it off- like ‘whatever you want’- and did not seem fussed at all! Awesome!

I said fine- maybe double barelling would be better and it doesn’t sound terrible for the kids...etc. NO- he jumped in at this point very clear that the children should have his and ‘only’ his surname as he is the last of his his name (🙄 another reason I’d assumed we would all have his name)

At this point I got quite annoyed, it’s fine for me to take whatever name I want - he’s not fussed about me having his name but expects I’ll willingly have a different one to my own children? 😠 I’m sorry, are they more his than mine? I just did not like that assumption or attitude and felt a bit put out last night.

In fairness - I don’t think he meant it to sound as it did - as he has no track record of controlling or bad behaviour. Generally very very lovely guy! But was I being unreasonable to think it was a bit patronising the ‘you can call yourself whatever but you’re not calling my kids anything but my name?’

OP posts:
ThatOneHurt · 25/11/2018 09:42

You decided you were going to take his name and were happy and settling with the decision.

And now he discussed what name you're taking you're kicking off about the decision you made yourself?

Your DP probably doesn't know what's hit him. Sheesh!

MadameJosephine · 25/11/2018 09:45

I don’t think you are overthinking it at all. Yes, you are happy to take his name but god md that wouldn’t be the issue. The fact that he thinks that because he is a man he has the right to dictate to you about the name of your children is something that needs to be discussed

PetticoatLaine · 25/11/2018 09:45

“DH wasn't over happy about it as it looked like DS1 had a double surname, same as mine - but he got over it.
He did request that I only use married name in Australia though, as no one knew me by maiden name there “

Sorry Thumbwitch I think your DH has not ‘got over it’ and is being an overbearing patriarchal git over names. Why should he ask you to drop your own name when you are already using his as well? Why should he object to your name as a middle name for Ds2?

Obviously you are relaxed about it, fine, your choice, but looking at it objectively from the outside that doesn’t mean he isn’t flexing the patriarchal name thing.

MadameJosephine · 25/11/2018 09:45

*for me that wouldn’t be the issue

GreenEggsHamandChips · 25/11/2018 09:46

Yes it is a big deal. Having totally ballsed this up every step of the way please do get it sorted now.

It's caused the kids an awful lot of heart ache, they have been left with the name of a feckless arse they have nothing to do with, he too looked like a decent guy when the kids were born. Don't even get me on the family courts on this matter, it's like feminism never existed and we're all just chattel. "Whose goimg to carry in the family name"

If I had my time again I wouldn't be having kids with someone with the same attitude as your DP. I wouldn't be taking anyone's names and the kids would have my name or double barrelled. If he then wants to double barrel his name then so be it.

Please get firm on this

ElideLochan · 25/11/2018 09:47

@ImNotKitten

Am I reading a different OP to everyone else?

NO- he jumped in at this point very clear that the children should have his and ‘only’ his surname as he is the last of his his name

No, you're not the only one - take away the op being willing to change her name, why shouldn't she have as much input to the dc names? What if she didn't want to change her name??

DerelictWreck · 25/11/2018 09:50

He probably read some feminist banging on about how women should never change their names and was trying to give you the opt out in case you didn't actually want to change

Has anyone actually read the OP? It's not about her name, it's about the fact that he said their DC would have his and ‘only’ his surname.

I don't think you're over thinking things OP, I think you need to ask him why he feels the DC should have his name and not yours, you know, the one who actually has to do all the hard work to have them!

Beechview · 25/11/2018 09:52

I think this is more about his attitude.
I have a different name to my children’s because I didn’t want to change my name when I got married and we weren’t fussed what surname the children have so I just gave them dhs surname.
We ve had no issues whatsoever. Even when I fly on my own with them.

Babdoc · 25/11/2018 09:55

How would your partner feel about adopting a version of the Icelandic system - where daughters get your name and sons get his? So if you and DH were called Janet and John, your kids would be Fred Johnson and Freda Janetsdottir.
It seems a much fairer system than the patriarchal set up in Britain!

Dungeondragon15 · 25/11/2018 09:58

I don't blame you for being annoyed. He is totally unreasonable to insist that his children should have his surname and no other name. Why do his wishes trump yours? You have as much right to keep your surname and give that to your children as he does. I have a different surname to my children but that was after discussion and agreement. If he had insisted I would have told him where to go.

By the way, the argument that he is last of his name is ridiculous as if they were double barreled they would still have the name.

Parker231 · 25/11/2018 10:05

Sorry but you are blowing this out of all proportion - it’s only a surname, you will have much more important decisions to make about your DC. Your DC’s aren’t more yours than your DH.

Neither my DH and I changed our names when we got married. When we had our DT’s, we spent about two seconds deciding that they would have our names double barreled as their surname. It hasn’t ever been an issue.

AnoukSpirit · 25/11/2018 10:07

His attitude and insistence that any dc would have his name and his name only would be a major issue for me. It’s not his sole decision and someone telling me what I’d be naming a baby I had carried and given birth to would be a sure fire turn off and concern to me.

Likewise. This is the issue. And controlling bastards don't start off overtly controlling in every area of your life or you'd never get involved with them! It's gradual.

Also, that's not quite how Icelandic surnames work. Most families are on a patriarchal system, so the children are "John's daughter" and "John's son". A few have matriarchal lines so the children are "Janet's daughter" and "Janet's son". It isn't mix and match.

Dungeondragon15 · 25/11/2018 10:17

Sorry but you are blowing this out of all proportion - it’s only a surname, you will have much more important decisions to make about your DC. Your DC’s aren’t more yours than your DH.

They aren't more his than OP's either though. That is why there needs to be discussion and agreement. He has no right to insist on anything, particularly that they should have his name only and not be double-barreled.

Bluebell878275 · 25/11/2018 10:19

He shrugged his shoulders about the OP sharing his name as that is her choice. I don't like that he's insisting on the children having his surname without any discussion..it's the same as a woman unilaterally deciding the children have her name (which funnily enough is often recommended on MN).

GreenEggsHamandChips · 25/11/2018 10:20

Sorry but you are blowing this out of all proportion - it’s only a surname, you will have much more important decisions to make about your DC.

You wrong. It's actually one of the most important. Certainly initially but currently now where my kids have ended up with the name of the man who physically abused them. But because you got it spot on in the first place you will probably never realise how important.

Your DC’s aren’t more yours than your DH
And this is why our present conventions are so inadequate but also why it is so important.

You can't protect what going to happen down the line.

Kintan · 25/11/2018 10:20

Like it or not it is the usual norm in this society for children to take the father’s surname - particularly when the couple are married. So I can’t really see what he has done wrong going along with that assumption, especially as you were intending to change your name anyway. I know you say you were hormonal, but it does seem like you were looking to start a fight with him over a bit of a non issue: you are planning to change your name, you want the same name as your children, he wants the children to have that name - I don’t see the issue.
Is it that you wanted him to make a big deal of the fact you want to change your name to his?

Oysterbabe · 25/11/2018 10:22

Stop trying to create an argument, you'll all have his name.

Sowhatifidosnore · 25/11/2018 10:25

Keep your name, give your name to kids as a middle name but not double barrelled so that it shows on passports and official docs.
So James KnightlyMyMan Smith, Known as James Smith at school etc. It’ll make travelling with kids much easier, give them your name/heritage and you keep your name because whybon earth should you change it just because you’re marrying a man? 50%!of marriages break up too...

Puggles123 · 25/11/2018 10:30

You want to take his name, but your children to have yours? If he had stayed nonchalant about their surnames surely you would have wanted them to share the same name as all of you?

sossages · 25/11/2018 10:38

YANBU. You're obviously not some kind of rabid man hating feminist like me as you were quite happy to take your DH's name. You just think that a person's name is important enough to have a discussion about and are quite rightly shocked that an otherwise normal, reasonable man has come over all dictatorial, as though his word is law. This would fuck me right off.

You're not a walking incubator, the children are not his property, and you are entitled to a meaningful discussion and if necessary some sort of compromise acknowledging you as an equal partner in this extremely important decision.

It's worth bearing in mind that controlling arseholes wouldn't get very far if they were controlling arseholes right from the very beginning of a relationship - they have to reach a point where they feel safe letting all that shitty behaviour out into the open.

Triskaidekaphilia · 25/11/2018 10:54

Me and DH had almost exactly the same discussion, except that I wasn't expecting to take his name before we had it, I was suggesting double barrelling for both of us and any future children, so I was pretty annoyed by his insistence that he wasn't changing his name and wanted to continue his family name with our kids (to be fair they will genuinely be the only ones in the family with the name) and I could do what I wanted but if I wanted the same name as our children I'd have to take his.

I was very angry at the time, but on reflection I wasn't keen on double barrelling either, it was a poor compromise, and I was getting annoyed because of the assumption of taking a mans name, and because I wasn't expecting a "I must continue the family name" attitude from DH as it seems at odds with his personality. I ended up taking his surname and keeping mine as an additional middle name.

Not long ago we discussed that though I'm happy with my name, I wasn't happy about how inflexible DH had been, and he was upset that he had come accross so badly and offered to take my maiden name as a middle name too, which has appeased any negative feelings I still had about it.

LittleBearPad · 25/11/2018 10:56

What a mountain out of a molehill. So you’ll all have his name.

CynthiaRothrock · 25/11/2018 11:04

Since when can dad register the birth without the mother? I thought BOTH parents had to be present if they wanted ro be named on the certificate? I couldn't put my dh on ours without him (was a few yrs ago though) Misses point of thread ....

OurMiracle1106 · 25/11/2018 11:31

cynthia Both parents only have to be present if you aren’t married

If you Are married either parent can register the birth.

Original poster
KnightlyMyMan · 25/11/2018 11:36

Thanks guys- I had a good chat with DP this morning - we were both over tired and had a very busy day yesterday.

He saw my point of view and agreed it was silly to expect/ think I’d have a different name to my children. I just said basically ‘either we all take your name - or we all double barrell- but I’m not having my name/yours/ the kids all being different to each other.

I do agree though, in general, that’s it’s silly in today’s world for men to just assume their kids will have their name if their mothers name is different. I mean no offence but I carried them, I gave birth to them and now I’m their food 🤔 seems to me that at the point of birth I’m probably the one whose entitled to share a surname with them!

OP posts: