To expect to have the same surname as my children?

[KnightlyMyMan]

DP and I are getting married early next year- with a view to starting a family quite quickly afterwards.

So far I thought we were very much on the same page - I would take his name- we’d made lots of reference to this over the months (I don’t really like my surname as it’s foreign from many generations ago and a pain to spell!)

Anyway - last night he asked me “So what are you going to do about your name?”

He wanted to know if I would keep my own, double barrel or take his? I asked if he wanted me to take his and he just sort of shrugged it off- like ‘whatever you want’- and did not seem fussed at all! Awesome!

I said fine- maybe double barelling would be better and it doesn’t sound terrible for the kids...etc. NO- he jumped in at this point very clear that the children should have his and ‘only’ his surname as he is the last of his his name (🙄 another reason I’d assumed we would all have his name)

At this point I got quite annoyed, it’s fine for me to take whatever name I want - he’s not fussed about me having his name but expects I’ll willingly have a different one to my own children? 😠 I’m sorry, are they more his than mine? I just did not like that assumption or attitude and felt a bit put out last night.

In fairness - I don’t think he meant it to sound as it did - as he has no track record of controlling or bad behaviour. Generally very very lovely guy! But was I being unreasonable to think it was a bit patronising the ‘you can call yourself whatever but you’re not calling my kids anything but my name?’

Well yes, but also the pervasive patriarchy and sense of male entitlement.

The default was for children of unmarried parents to have the mother's surname, so the increase in number of unmarried parents doesn't explain (by itself) the shift towards children getting the father's name and not the mother's. It's a misconception about "tradition" which is linked to male privilege and a long history of male ownership signalled by names.

Alpaca so if Mrs Jones introduced you to her brother Mr Smith would you demand to know if they shared the same parents?
Obviously because women change their names theres clear precedent for multiple surnames in one family. Secondly, there's precedent for exactly the proposal Purple put forward across Spain and Spanish speaking parts of Latin America.

Pog at passport control yes I would

Sent too soon
ask questions regarding children traveling with different surnames

Alpaca given my last example do you not think it's possible a border official may have encountered families with different surnames before? I travel with DD's birth certificate (without my Ex) for our annual holiday and have never actually needed it. I certainly didn't intend on erasing myself from her genealogy for the sake of two interactions with border officials per year.

@Pimpernell - I am genuinely not being ‘a wheeze’, or ‘just a bit dim really’, I’m just a middle aged (well educated, quite bright & reasonably articulate thanks!) woman who has had two kids and have real life experience of the second level of double barrelling with all four parents still alive - which ones do you drop without offending the people who all felt it very important to carry on the family name and be ‘equal’!? How is that not passing on the problem to your children?

(Perhaps the reason this ‘always’ comes up on these threads is because it is a very valid point...)

Re the possibility for double, quadrupled and so-on hyphenated names:
“Perhaps the reason this ‘always’ comes up on these threads is because it is a very valid point...)”

Or, perhaps having parents who decided to do what suited them rather than follow some tradition, tne next generation will simply decide what to do for themselves: combine the names in a different way, choose a new name, toss a coin for the name that gets kept....

I genuinely don't get why children of unmarried parents get dad's name. It's pretty entitled for dad to want the kids to have his name when he hasn't made a legal commitment to their mother.

when he hasn't made a legal commitment to their mother.

FFS, stop with this shit.

But marriage is a legal commitment

Totally agree with you Snuggy.

Yes, and not every couple wants to be married.

The flip side is that maybe these weak and feeble women you are describing should stop having children before they get a ring on their pretty little finger. 🙄 Which is, obviously, nonsense.

I mean it's fine if you know you won't have the same rights as a married couple, many women do seem unaware of this. I still don't see why the man gets to give them his name.

I genuinely don't get why children of unmarried parents get dad's name

Do you genuinely not understand how discussions and decisions work then? It's not a default option. If the couple were unmarried, the mother can register the baby without the father there and thus call them whatever they like. The father cannot.

I mean I don't get the logic. From mums perspective she has gone through all the risk of bringing baby into the world, she knows dad can fuck off and leave her high and dry at a whim but yet baby gets his surname because he is the man.

People can do what they want, it's just something I don't get.

The baby doesn't get the father's name just because he has a penis. Don't be ridiculous.

Anyway, this wasn't the point of the thread and I believe the OP has cleared the air with her partner.

It sounds like you have over thought this. He's trying to be modern and saying you don't have to change your name - but it's normal for kids to take their fathers name, double barrelling is just complicating it for the kids. I think it is very happy for you to take his name he just didn't want to come across as patriarchal. It is a lot easier for travel, drs, school etc because you don't have to keep proving you are their parent.

It’s all resolved now. Although having read the comments this morning a think a couple may have misunderstood. I thought DP and I were on the same page but him throwing it back at me as a question the other night frustrated me as we have soooo many decisions we are having to make wedding wise atm, that going back over stuff we’d already agreed on felt pointless and like a waste of time.

I’m trying to understand where you’re coming from with this thread Knightly. Is it that you feel that if you’re going to the trouble of changing you name, you want it to actually mean something to him, otherwise what’s the point? If so, I can see why this is hurtful. It’s an identity change for you, but he doesn’t really care or see it as special?

^THIS, although this poster put it into words much better than me. DP made me question changing my name as he didn’t seem fussed at all about it. I don’t love my surname (he knows this) but taking his and losing a bit of my identity (that I’ve carried around for 26 years) feels like a big deal. I wanted it to mean something to him rather than just a shoulder shrug and ‘do whatever you like’. He cared so much about the children having his name but not a lick about
A) me having his name
Or
B) me having the same name as my kids!

Almost felt (at the time) a bit like I was the least important member of his little gang 😂🙈 I appreciate that the mixture of tiredness and hormones were mostly to blame as upon further conversation it was clear he didn’t in fact feel this way at all xx