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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to have the same surname as my children?

95 replies

KnightlyMyMan · 25/11/2018 09:07

DP and I are getting married early next year- with a view to starting a family quite quickly afterwards.

So far I thought we were very much on the same page - I would take his name- we’d made lots of reference to this over the months (I don’t really like my surname as it’s foreign from many generations ago and a pain to spell!)

Anyway - last night he asked me “So what are you going to do about your name?”

He wanted to know if I would keep my own, double barrel or take his? I asked if he wanted me to take his and he just sort of shrugged it off- like ‘whatever you want’- and did not seem fussed at all! Awesome!

I said fine- maybe double barelling would be better and it doesn’t sound terrible for the kids...etc. NO- he jumped in at this point very clear that the children should have his and ‘only’ his surname as he is the last of his his name (🙄 another reason I’d assumed we would all have his name)

At this point I got quite annoyed, it’s fine for me to take whatever name I want - he’s not fussed about me having his name but expects I’ll willingly have a different one to my own children? 😠 I’m sorry, are they more his than mine? I just did not like that assumption or attitude and felt a bit put out last night.

In fairness - I don’t think he meant it to sound as it did - as he has no track record of controlling or bad behaviour. Generally very very lovely guy! But was I being unreasonable to think it was a bit patronising the ‘you can call yourself whatever but you’re not calling my kids anything but my name?’

OP posts:

BigChocFrenzy · 25/11/2018 11:43

Good to hear that he has stopped the "my name and only my name" demands
Not a good start to give way to such controlling demands

All double-barrel
Then you all have the same surname, without either of you giving up your own surname

SoupDragon · 25/11/2018 11:53

I don’t really like my surname as it’s foreign from many generations ago and a pain to spell!

And yet you'd happily "saddle" your DC with not only just this but double-barrelled as well :)

If your surname really is a pain, I'd probably include it as a final middle name rather than double barrelling it. I do know a good few women where they have double barrelled but their husband and children have not. I don't see the surnames as different really, just that the woman has something extra in hers.

At least you're sorting this it now, before it becomes an actual problem!

If you're married he doesn't need to be there when you register their names so just go and have it the same as yours.

Equally, he can register them without her. Do you also think it's perfectly acceptable for him to go and pick whatever name he wants?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/11/2018 12:02

What a fuss about nothing. Just take his name - like you were already planning on doing! Your children will then have the same name

EasilyDistracted77 · 25/11/2018 12:08

I would just like to say that not having the same surname as your child/ren does not make them any less yours!

TealTurnip · 25/11/2018 12:10

expects I’ll willingly have a different one to my own children? 😠 I’m sorry, are they more his than mine?
YABU for thinking it matters whether a mother has the same name as her children. Lots of mothers are unmarried and give the child the father’s name. Lots of mums get divorced and revert to their maiden name, or marry a stepdad and change their name, but the child keeps their original name. In all of these cases the mum willingly has a different name to her children. It doesn’t mean the children are “more his than mine”.

Pogmella · 25/11/2018 12:17

So many women state the names don't work as a double Barrell so they just had to take DH's... um, OR, he could take yours? If it's genuinely just a question of cadence why does the side with testes on it always win out...

chipsandgin · 25/11/2018 13:16

Little rant and a genuine question to those who double barrell because it is the 'fair and equal' thing to do...(& I am coming from a lifetimes experience of 'double barrelled and hate it' perspective..)

If you double barrell then what are your kids going to do when they come up against this issue? Imagine it - you call your child James Thompson-Jones, he marries Amy Phillips-O'Connell - it is only 'fair' that they combine their names, so, they have John Thompson-Jones-Phillips-O'Connell, he meets Emma Smith-Williams-Jones-Farquardson. It really is only 'fair' that they combine their names. They call their child William Thompson-Jones-Phillips-O'Connell-Smith-Williams-Jones-Farquarson. What does poor William do when he meets his wife and has kids?

It is just such a shortsighted thing to do, it doesn't solve a problem, it creates the same one for your kids

I mean I already can't fit my name onto most forms and I only have one hyphen...it is just shoving the problem forward a generation, plus trust me, having a double barrelled name is a massive pain in the arse!

BertramKibbler · 25/11/2018 13:19

Chips.... I’ve always wondered the same!

waxy1 · 25/11/2018 13:25

The hyphenating thing is totally naff.

Use his surname or yours, or make up a new one!

GabriellaMontez · 25/11/2018 13:27

Your kids can do whatever they want chips! Any or none of your suggestions.

Personally what my kids may, one day, want to change their names to didn't feature in my decision .

SoupDragon · 25/11/2018 13:28

If you double barrell then what are your kids going to do when they come up against this issue?

This always comes up on these threads. They pick whichever name they want. I'm think the Spanish have this and it is not a problem whatsoever (this is also always said on these threads, I have no personal knowledge of it)

Pogmella · 25/11/2018 13:39

In Spain the woman passes on her mum's half of the name abdctheb man his father's half.
Maria Garcia Sanchez marries Jose Hernandez Romero and they have a daughter called Maria Garcia Hernandez... she marries Carlos Luppi Fernando, they both keep their names and their son would be Juan Garcia Fernando.

Deadringer · 25/11/2018 13:40

I get that what annoyed you was his attitude that his DC would have his name only whatever name you decide for yourself, but it's understandable that he assumed that if you are taking his name his DC would have it too. However imo women should keep their name and pass it on to their children. So many marriages end in divorce and many women have children by more than one man, (not judging just to be clear) and 9 times out of 10 it's women left 'holding the baby' so it makes sense for children to have the same name as their mother. It always amazes me that so many women hate their name enough that they are very happy to change it, but men never seem to hate theirs.

ArialAnna · 25/11/2018 13:42

Easily solved. You each drop part of your surname upon marriage to create a new double barrell for the whole family. E.g. thompson-phillips, or Phillips-jones. Better really as there is more choice and so more chance of a nice sounding combo. I think this would actually be the best option for a more equal society. And I say that as someone who happily took their husband's name.

SnuggyBuggy · 25/11/2018 13:42

In my experience with admin I would really advise not double barrelling if one of the surnames is commonly used as a first name. It will be mistaken as a middle name and there is huge potential for error.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/11/2018 15:47

You're entitled to think that, Petticoat, but I really don't care.
I always expected to take my husband's surname - I can't be doing with having multiple surnames in one family - so it wasn't like he was making me do something I didn't want to.
You can call it what you like but it was my choice in the end.

PetticoatLaine · 25/11/2018 17:18

I agree, Thumb, your choice in the end.

But, thinking about what a pp said:

Sorry but you are blowing this out of all proportion - it’s only a surname, you will have much more important decisions to make about your DC. This is the expected outlook for women, whereas time and time again we see that mens’ outlook is entirely different. It isn’t ‘only a surname ‘ to them. They are insistent that their kids have theirs and only their name. That they must ‘carry in the line’, that their DW must use theirs and their name alone, that while a woman might hyphenate in marriage, they will not.

The difference is what makes it a feminist issue overall.

guzzlepuzzle · 25/11/2018 17:26

I've always said should we marry I would add my name into the kids surname and we would all then be the same. They currently have his surname which is fine but I do wish I'd put it in from the start tbh . Yanbu I think your DP should understand you wanting to give them both names and not just his .

Pimpernell · 25/11/2018 17:27

I don’t think he meant it to sound as it did - as he has no track record of controlling or bad behaviour. Generally very very lovely guy!

An amazing number of generally lovely guys turn all Victorian husband when the subject of surnames come up. It's like it's the acceptable thing for modern, right-on men to still be a dinosaur about.

Pimpernell · 25/11/2018 17:29

If you double barrell then what are your kids going to do when they come up against this issue?

So predictable. Always comes up and the person thinks they're such a wheeze. Rather than just a bit dim really.

AnotherEmma · 25/11/2018 17:29

"Like it or not it is the usual norm in this society for children to take the father’s surname - particularly when the couple are married."

Wrong. Traditionally children have always been given their mother's surname. If the mother is already married to the father and has taken his surname, this means the children have his surname. But the child of an unmarried mother has her surname. As it should be. It's only a relatively recent thing that unmarried parents are giving children the father's surname, perhaps because the father assumes he should get all the credit without any of the commitment towards the mother of his children? Idk.

"seems to me that at the point of birth I’m probably the one whose entitled to share a surname with them!"
Well, yes, and that's what happens. After the baby is born, the little name tag will say "Baby

Purpleartichoke · 25/11/2018 17:32

Assuming the kids should get his name is sexist and ridiculous. He needs to come into the 21st century. You should come to some agreement together.

My DH and I decided to do boys get his name, girls get mine. That won over our other likely method which was flipping a coin.

Alpacanorange · 25/11/2018 17:38

That is just weird... brother and sister with different surnames will be forever explaining that they are infact full siblings and not half, you will be explaining that your son is yours and not a step son or a second wife.

Alpacanorange · 25/11/2018 17:38

That is for Purple

SoupDragon · 25/11/2018 18:29

It's only a relatively recent thing that unmarried parents are giving children the father's surname, perhaps because the father assumes he should get all the credit without any of the commitment towards the mother of his children?

Or, more likely, because unmarried parents who are a couple are more common now.

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