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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

531 replies

Staceyjas · 24/11/2018 15:31

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
frippit · 24/11/2018 20:34

We ended up hosting xmas dinner for many years when our children were younger. We were the only ones with the space and the ability as our parents were elderly and other family members pretty dysfunctional!
We asked everyone to chip in as we hosted for many years and weren't exactly minted. People's reactions were varied and we often struggled financially. Now our children are grown up. My daughter has 3 little ones and is having us this year. I have offered her £50 to cover costs and have said that her and hubby should enjoy themselves with their three little ones and us 2 grannies will do the food with the grandads.

I think it's a great idea to all chip in. Especially if it's a young family hosting as money is often tight when you have children.

Hideandgo · 24/11/2018 20:36

Christmas dinner is bloody expensive to host if done to a ‘special’ level. Some people just do a roast and that wouldn’t be so bad.

But I can’t believe your DP is begrudging his mum £17 when she’s clearly done this year after year, paid for and slaved over by her. Your DP sounds like an entitled spoilt brat who wants to be served by some poor woman.

Gin96 · 24/11/2018 20:37

I have no problem in paying if people are struggling for money. We host Christmas every year, one person brings starters, one brings deserts, my mum does the roast potatoes as she does the best ever and a bottle of wine each and we still spend over £150 so I do understand how expensive and time consuming it is. If it’s all up front and fair, I don’t have a problem,when it’s done just be spiteful and cause trouble then yes it is very wrong.

outspokenangel · 24/11/2018 20:41

That doesn't seem right to me? Me and my partner will be buying the veg and puddings and stuff and nan is buying the turkey and that's for me nan Kevin grandad mum.and her partner Marc.
I suppose it's shared is never ask for money...

Barbeito · 24/11/2018 20:49

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Wonkypalmtree · 24/11/2018 20:49

This again. Daily mail put this in a front page last year

Barbeito · 24/11/2018 20:51

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MortyVicar · 24/11/2018 20:53

Wonky funnily enough I was just going to ask if the OP was ever going to come back. I had the same thought.

It made me decide I cba to post anything helpful, but boy has some rag got a lot of material for free.

Grilledaubergines · 24/11/2018 21:01

I find it tacky and cheap to ask for payment. Shocked it happens!

I think it’s far more usual/acceptable to do “you bring a few nibbles, you bring a couple of nice cheeses”etc

My family all take it in turns to host so one year in 5 it’s my turn, very expensive and a real pleasure, given I’ve been looked after so well the previous 4 Christmasses.

Propertywoe · 24/11/2018 21:09

You probably would only need to charge if you had family members who only turn up with an empty stomach. Once an adult I used to go with my mum on the main shop and cover the bill. I think that some parents are expected to host until their adult children make their own plans.

formerbabe · 24/11/2018 21:15

Depends how you view hosting on Christmas day.

Do you view it as you're hosting a dinner party?

Or

Do you view it as providing the space and all the family pitching in?

I'm the latter.

Original poster
Staceyjas · 24/11/2018 21:15

Sorry It's his mum 1 grandparent his brother and his gf and him attending, and a baby (1)
He's said it's not about the money he would happily pay as he's in employment and doesn't live with her and happily bring wine dessert cheese anything, but the fact she asked for 17 per head in
Cash makes it feel awkward and less special like a restaurant. Never in a million years however cash strapped I was would I ask my child for cash for Xmas lunch. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Staceyjas · 24/11/2018 21:16

Oh and he would gladly help with turkey and veg prep, always washes up etc but she won't have it !

OP posts:
Yulebealrite · 24/11/2018 21:22

We all shared the cost when we were younger and poorer and were happy to do so as we all recognised that Christmas is expensive. Now money is less of a problem we take it in turns to host and pay for it all. Parents who never host just slip some money to the host each year.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 24/11/2018 21:27

It was our turn to host last year, but we were really tight money-wise because DP had been made redundant. MIL offered to do the shop as a Christmas gift, partly because she didn’t want to cook herself. We were so grateful. This year we’re at MIL’s and will bring the starter and some booze, other family will bring pudding etc. I think DP is actually going to go there on Christmas Eve and do a lot of the meal prep. Now he’s working again and things are fine, I suggested we host again, but no, the system!

HateIsNotGood · 24/11/2018 21:34

Well, the little factoid that stands out to me is that your MIL is asking for £17 - not £15, nor even £20 - but £17.

You have said over and over that you would "never" charge and how bad it is and that your partner agrees with you.

Maybe your DP is agreeing with you because he's your DP and 'loves you'? And maybe he can see (or explain better) his DM's side too (but daren't annoy you)?

Let it ride OP, if his DM wants £17 then give her £17 and let your DP go eat Xmas Dinner with his Mum and you go to your Mums.

And offer to Host Xmas Dinner/Day for both DPs next year - get in there now.

5fivestar · 24/11/2018 21:35

It’s only me and three kids and our M&S Christmas dinner is costing over £100, with no alcohol at all. By the time my last one turns 18 I fully expect to be repaid by going to the kids houses for Christmas dinner. My work will be done

C8H10N4O2 · 24/11/2018 21:46

I've hosted immediate and extended family for many years for Christmas day and also Boxing Day, Christmas Eve, NY for as many family as want to stay. We have more space and the DGP generation were getting on a bit.

I wouldn't consider asking for or accepting money but I can afford it. I see nothing wrong with a family coming to a practical arrangement which allows them to enjoy Christmas together without one set having to worry about cost.

FlyingMonkeys · 24/11/2018 21:48

Meh! Tell him to tell his mum to fuck off!... He can go to McDonald's for cheaper! It's shocking that someone's such a 'tight arse', when she's paid for his breakfast/lunch/dinners for presumably at least 18yrs? 😒

carpettile · 24/11/2018 21:51

I asked my partner and he said ... that if she had provided all those years and finally wanted to pay to save all the hassle that he would get together and say to his mum we will chip in and buy the dinner. I agree

Ivygarden · 24/11/2018 21:53

Bad form. Wouldn't dream of charging people. If you can't afford it, don't offer to host.

Bangwhistlepop2 · 24/11/2018 21:54

I think if you can't afford to host properly but either want to ask or don't want to ask for a financial contribution then booking a restaurant meal is the way to go. Everybody is then clear and responsible for their own Christmas dinner. Hopefully all can have a good time without the financial burden falling on one person.

FlyingMonkeys · 24/11/2018 21:57

To be completely fair considering his mum's not destitute... When she passes away she can distribute any wealth between the remaining siblings, and post your DP a £17 cheque to cover the dinner you felt he shouldn't pay for.

namechange5575 · 24/11/2018 21:58

'If you can't afford to host, don't offer' - so everyone is sitting at home on their lonesomes because people can't bear to pool resources? You think that's a better way to spend Christmas Day? Bonkers.

UserName31456789 · 24/11/2018 22:02

I hosted last year and didn't charge because a) we can easily afford it b) other people had to travel long distances and buy expensive tickets c) we don't usually all get together for christmas and it was great having them.

That said Christmas is very expensive to host - a few years ago we would have struggled to afford it so I would be more than happy to chip in if someone else was hosting and wanted us to share the cost.

Christmas is distinct from any other party because realistically someone is going to host it and it's very difficult to do so cheaply. The person hosting is usually based on various logistics (who has the space, whose in the best geographical location, who has kids, who can't travel etc.). The fact that you're hosting doesn't mean you can easily afford to so. Most other parties are purely optional - you don't have to have a huge expensive birthday party you do really have to celebrate christmas.