Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

[Staceyjas]

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks

I wouldn't charge for Christmas dinner. If she didn't want to do it from scratch, wouldn't it be cheaper to hire a local student to help do it instead?

I have heard of the mumsnet mythical chicken but not the mumsnet mythical student

I would be happy to give my mum a contribution if she would take it!

@Aridane - 😂 Yeah there's always loads of students just hanging around, waiting to be asked to help cook a Christmas dinner!

We have hosted, and fully paid for the past 10+ years, (since father died and she was alone except for us) Christmas Day, lunch and supper,Boxing Day lunch and supper, New Years' Day lunch and supper.

Not a single contribution of a satsuma, box of chocolates , nothing.

One year dmum said she had 'thought about buying a bottle of champagne'- but decided not to ( its the thought that counts )

for the past 20+ we co-hosted New Years Eve supper -including wine and case of champagne, for dp's family-all good, then two years ago situation changed and we fully hosted it, and paid for everything, on the understanding it would be another couple's turn last year- but no invitation came, no talk about it at all, and after the new year dp's brother told him how much they'd missed being with us! but still no invitation for this year- but hints they want to come to us - it all gets a bit exhausting (and expensive)

but each family is different, I have friends who tell me about great sounding sharing, pitching in, either with food, cash or taking turns to host-I'm very envious.

It sounds pretty cold to charge per head. If cashflow for the hosts is an issue it's much friendlier for everyone to bring a dish or cover the bottles/other easily transportable elements rather than just hand over cash. If she always hosts and is having enough of it then why not all suggest a rotational basis and include your parents too

Tell him there's no such thing as a free lunch now he's a grown adult!

@guffaux

We have hosted, and fully paid for the past 10+ years, (since father died and she was alone except for us) Christmas Day, lunch and supper,Boxing Day lunch and supper, New Years' Day lunch and supper.

Not a single contribution of a satsuma, box of chocolates , nothing

One year dmum said she had 'thought about buying a bottle of champagne'- but decided not to

EXACTLY the same thing happened to me!

actually find it quite staggering that people (looking at you BIL's GF!) would happily go somewhere every year and not insist on putting their hand in their pockets!

I can see her viewpoint, if you are invited by a host it shouldn't come with an entry fee. If they can't afford to host, don't invite people. Rude to turn up with a gift for the house but charging people for an invitation you've extended is even ruder,

I've hosted Christmas for the last 20 years - for my dad, my MIL, my two adult stepsons (their mum lives abroad) and of course my own two DCs. Not once has my MIL or stepsons brought so much as a bottle of wine. I once suggested to MIL that she could bring some small bits - maybe crackers or brandy butter? - and she was offended. 'It wouldn't be right'. Everyone has high expectations of what will be on offer and we never disappoint. But if I could start over, I'd insist on some kind of contribution from other adults. They just expect it all, and do absolutely nothing. Except my elderly dad, who likes to help wash up and bungs me more than his fair share of cash. I wish I could let them know that it costs a fortune and is a huge amount of stress and work (they all stay for a few days). But I run scared of being the wicked stepmother and DH is just glad to see them, and happy that they want to come every year. They're not bad people, but they think if they turn up with gifts for under the tree, it's enough. And I suppose it is.

I can see her viewpoint, if you are invited by a host it shouldn't come with an entry fee. If they can't afford to host, don't invite people. Rude to turn up with a gift for the house but charging people for an invitation you've extended is even ruder,

She wasn't invited in terms of "X, would you like to come to Christmas dinner at our house". BIL asked her if she wanted to come and this is how we do it. She then has gone on mega rants about how rude we are for charging family. Fine if she doesn't want to come, but it's downright rude as an adult imo to expect to not contribute anything to a large family event.

Seems pretty good deal to me! £17 quid for a beautiful home cooked dinner of presumably a few courses .

Honestly who can be bothered to quibble over 17 quid with their own mother. She wants to have a nice dinner come ready made - just let her have it her way - all this angst over a few quid.

Also 'bringing desert' is much less easy for the host than ensuring she can order the entire meal.

I think unless you have hosted a large group for christmas you aren't aware of the cost - it is hundreds of pounds really not 68 quid.

God no. You either host properly or not at all IMO. It's fine to accept a kind offer of pudding etc but not to actually charge people.

My brother did this last year.
I thought £10 for my dinner, snacks throughout the whole day & a copious amount of alcohol was a bargain.
Christmas dinner costs a fortune. Esp cause it's not just dinner people come for a day. If he hadn't have suggested I would have offered to share the load (Ill bring turkey, get aunty marge to bring the snowballs etc)

But she's set out her plans now. It's not like everyone's sat mid dinner and she's asked them for a tenner. If he can't/won't pay for it then that's fine. He doesn't have to attend. I doubt she's asking for a contribution to be a dick, more likely she can't afford it. And if your partner would rather a 'free meal' at your parents house vs £17 To help out his mum then that's frankly both on you. Is he getting her a Christmas present, or just your joint disgust?

It costs a lot to host Christmas dinner once you factor in alcohol, cheese board, pre-dinner nibbles etc. I wouldn’t ask for money, but it’s fair to ask people to contribute. We always do some cheeses, Christmas pud and wine. My MIL puts on a feast and they’re not wealthy, I wouldn’t ever turn up empty handed. I’ve hosted myself before and the cost of ingredients really adds up if you make three types of stuffing, pigs in blankets etc etc. I don’t see why she should take the hit on it all. It’s all well and good saying ‘take a bottle round’ but if you’re also going to help drink that bottle, it doesn’t help with the cost of the food shop.

And as PPs have said, it runs into hundreds, it’s not £50 or whatever.

I have hosted Xmas every year for 23 years.
I resent it tbh. Esp as it turns into Saturday Kitchen Live but only me doing the fucking cooking.
This year I have ordered Xmas dinner for 8 from cook.com plus a Yule log. And that is me done. Collect it on the 15th. As long as I defrost the turkey and buy some peas it's done. If that is what she is doing good on her. And good on her for asking for a contribution. And if he doesn't want to go because she has asked for 17 quid after a feckin lifetime of cooking for him, he needs to grow up.

I've hosted various celebrations over the years and my younger bil & his wife have only invited us once in the past 10 years. I don't bother any more, if I invite them now it's only for a cup of tea and a biscuit. They both have a really weird relationship around food, sharing and hospitality.

No I would never charge people when I host Christmas dinner. One year I had 17, last year was 12. A sibling and I tend to alternate as no one wants to be the one to travel every year. If it isn’t my year to host I will always take pudding & Buck’s Fizz. It can work out costly but I would rather not invite people than charge them to come. That’s just weird. I don’t blame him wanting to come to your family instead.

When you say she wants to get it “pre done” do you mean by a catering company? Is she just going to reheat it? Or is it all just prepped and still has to be cooked? Just curious. Seems really expensive per head for the amount of people.

Pre done? I was assuming M&S style where everything is prep repaired and you just put in oven, often in the trays in which they come

formerbabe-twins! -

do your guests/guest? hoover up every last snack/drink/extra little gift and then take the remains of the box of chocolates home, 'because they are their favourites' lol

Preprepared, not prep repaired

All this talk of all the guests bringing contributions - what happens if they don't bring it, or don't bring enough, or bring something different, or turn up half an hour after whatever it was should have gone in the oven?

IME, it's hard enough to get people to agree to a contribution, and stick to it, when you're trying to arrange an office Christmas buffet with sausage rolls, mince pies, etc, never mind a full Christmas dinner.

Oh well, perhaps next year this lady will arrange to go and stay with a friend, or to a lovely hotel, and her family will have to put their hands in their pockets if they want Christmas dinner. Unless like OP's DP they can find someone else to freeload off.

I think everyone chipping in is the norm, we are at my mums again this year, I'm taking the desserts and cheeses, my brother is bringing wines & beers and my exDH is bringing the rib of beef for the main, mum is buying everything else and cooking, works well for us