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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

531 replies

Staceyjas · 24/11/2018 15:31

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 25/11/2018 22:51

So it's ok to go to her house every year and expect to be waited on, ie arrive to all the prep work done and most things either cooked or cooking (and I assume you always go there because it has become habit?) but it's not ok to contribute financially to the day?

Entitled Tightwads. That's my entire opinion of both of you and anyone else who sees the issue with this.

Often xmas day is hosted repeatedly at the same place for the sake of space/convenience not because the 'host' want to do it every year and bringing a dish in no way compares to the expense they incur or the work they do in preparation for the day.

Jamiefraserskilt · 25/11/2018 22:52

Wow. Small or large crowd, we split the lunch into batches. One buys and prepares veg and brings pudding and crackers, one does wine, soft drinks and cheeseboard. We do the rest and host. Yes, always more expensive but I love having them here and am happy to do this. I would not dream of charging my family for a meal.

caringcarer · 25/11/2018 22:55

I host Xmas dinner for adult children, partners and dgc. I don't g we t them every year as sometimes they go to in laws. I love them coming, make dgc stockings to open and would never dream of charging my family. I send them off home with tins of sweets and biscuits and any other sweet stuff that is not eaten on day. They may bring wine but I would never ask. I know it is the same at inlaws too and one year we had a set of inlaws share the day with us and they kindly brought wine. When we go to my dh parents over new year we stay 2 days and one day we take them and bil out for meal.

Jellybubbamama0987 · 25/11/2018 23:31

We always invite my dad for Christmas dinner. We’re on benefits because my partner is disabled and I look after him so can’t work and my dad is 77 so is on a pension and I wouldn’t dream of asking him to pay anything towards it. It’s hard but I make a fantastic dinner for us all. It’s about the family being together not the cost.

Katzia · 25/11/2018 23:36

Christmas dinner for 7 for £70? Don't think that's possible unless you served a load of veggies and no alcohol. Even a basic two course dinner with just a glass of cheap wine would cost at least £15 a head..

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/11/2018 23:43

I'm a single parent on a budget, not a tiny budget so Christmas food is always lovely here, for two of us.
Dd is 17 now so probably will be with me for the day for a few years yet, but how about in the future if she has a partner/children/in-laws?
I'd be happy to host and cook but I honestly couldn't afford to do it.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/11/2018 23:46

"Even a basic two course dinner with just a glass of cheap wine would cost at least £15 a head.."

In a restaurant yes, but at home?
Never cooked Christmas dinner, but I will ask my parents. I really don't think it needs to cost the amounts people are talking about here.
And yes, I don't eat meat or drink alcohol with Christmas dinner.

Also, does everyone have a 3 course meal? Ours is only two courses with the pudding coming hours afterwards because the main meal is so big. Why would you need a starter on Christmas day when there's so much other food around?

Claudia1980 · 26/11/2018 01:09

Depends on the situation. I was absolutely disgusted when my tight arse mother in law invited us to Christmas lunch and charged us $20 for her to make a salad. We live four hours away and she never does a thing for us. I was furious!!!!! And I vowed never to attend if she does that again.

Fantail · 26/11/2018 02:55

I would have thought in most families everyone chipped in either with the offer to bring part of the meal or a contribution to the cost. Up to the host whether or not to accept.

Only one child in my family so last Christmas it was me and my DD, DBro, DSis and DSIL, DM & DF.

DM & DF provided the venue plus meat (lamb), DB, DSIL and I did sides, cheese and dessert. DS gave me money to buy berries (we are in NZ) for dessert. We all contributed booze. DM probably bought crackers.

We all brought something for nibbles.

Catsinthecupboard · 26/11/2018 03:40

Holidays are at ours. Sometimes we can afford it, sometimes it is very painful. We have up to 16 people. Only children are our two and one 3yo great nephew.

Appetizers, mains, desserts, drinks, plus I cook from scratch.
I asked for a luncheon out a couple times for birthdays but was told they "love your cooking and beautiful settings." Beautiful settings that seem always to get new chips! I only use my best when we have the odd Christmas with only dh and dc. Twice in 9 years.

DH was out of work and asked for a small sum/household. Everyone agreed but nobody paid.

They also do not help with clean up.

I hate driving on busy roads for 2 hours, so I guess this is our life.
But I think that when they expect expensive, homecooked meals, and know we are struggling with no job, dc at uni, a little monetary help besides a bottle of wine and a small side would be nice.
(It takes 2 or 3 days to prepare meals and house then another couple to put everything back, besides cost of food.)

Catsinthecupboard · 26/11/2018 03:43

I would REALLY, just once, like a bouquet of flowers. They are my in laws and remember to bring beer for dh. But he doesn't help cook or clean except making gravy.

SusieQ5604 · 26/11/2018 04:00

Beyond tacky. If you can't afford it, don't do it. I just hosted Thanksgiving dinner and each guest brought a dish plus I made dressing, green bean casserole, two cheesecakes and deviled eggs. Yes it was expensive but I would never have dreamed of asking anyone to pay, even if I had had it catered. (My sister brought the turkey)

SusieQ5604 · 26/11/2018 04:01

Beyond tacky. If you can't afford it, don't do it. I just hosted Thanksgiving dinner and each guest brought a dish plus I made dressing, green bean casserole, two cheesecakes and deviled eggs. Yes it was expensive but I would never have dreamed of asking anyone to pay, even if I had had it catered. (My sister brought the turkey)

SusieQ5604 · 26/11/2018 04:01

Beyond tacky. If you can't afford it, don't do it. I just hosted Thanksgiving dinner and each guest brought a dish plus I made dressing, green bean casserole, two cheesecakes and deviled eggs. Yes it was expensive but I would never have dreamed of asking anyone to pay, even if I had had it catered. (My sister brought the turkey)

4grandma · 26/11/2018 06:48

Me and my sisters have been helping with the cost of Christmas dinner for years . None of us think it wrong . We all help our elderly mum prep dinner Christmas Eve . .

This year there will be at least 19 of us . How the hell can we expect our parents to pay to feed all that lot .
Food is brought from Aldi every one .takes a bottle .
It’s now 20 to 25 pounds a family depending on how big the family is . It might even reach 30 . But we do not care .

mrshousty · 26/11/2018 07:21

If you're invited then you shouldn't be expected to pay... compare it to being invited to a wedding and being asked for money. Ok it's expensive to make dinner so don't include people if u don't want to pay for it.

I'd say he's not the only one feeling like this x

BombBiggleton · 26/11/2018 07:25

Never really considered this, at first it seems like incredible CF'ery, but then if you give it some thought..

Everyone has their own individual circumstances if hosting..number of people, quality of food, courses etc . If you go to a relatives and stop there, it's not just Christmas Dinner either is it?

Flowersandbirds · 26/11/2018 07:30

All of the comments about “I couldn’t do this and don’t include people if you can’t afford it” are missing the point. Christmas shouldn’t be about bankrupting yourself or even just making it financially painful for the host. Or about excluding people because you are struggling to afford hosting. It’s about family being together. If the only way to do that in the circumstances is to split the cost, then I think it’s entirely justified. I’d never ever be offended by someone asking - they wouldn’t ask unless they needed to and why wouldn’t I remove that burden from the life of someone else that I love?

thegreylady · 26/11/2018 07:51

My cousin and his wife host a big pre Christmas meal for the family every year. It was yesterday. There were 18 of us including 6 children (1-12). We took the cheese.
However nothing was asked for or expected though lots was offered.
I don’t agree with money being asked for but I think it’s fine to take items of food.

SarfE4sticated · 26/11/2018 07:52

Exactly right flowers

carpettile · 26/11/2018 07:58

Beyond tacky

Don't think so the woman cooks every Sunday and every Christmas. This year she doesn't want to cook so has clearly gone onto M&S or whatever and costed it out for ready prepared stuff. To not just say thats great mum no problem or I will host mum is beyond tacky. She must have thought it's easier if I order it all - so poor son doesn't even have to lift a tiny delicate finger. I am willing to bet she broached the subject a lot more subtely than OP/DP has let on.

Goldilocks3Bears · 26/11/2018 08:04

She’ll be cooking for hours not to mention preparing the house and the cleaning up.

That’s a very specific amount and suggests that calculations have gone into that which to me sounds like it is a financial stretch for her.

I would round it up and pay and give extra money for booze and ask what we could bring.

It’s sad that she had to ask - we have an informal system, take turns and I’ve given my brother some money for costs all the years we’ve stayed at theirs for 2-3 days. It does add up.

lazymare · 26/11/2018 08:10

Al the naysayers calling this woman tacky, cheap, cheeky etc - would you really fall out with your mum over this? Would you judge your MUM? Why is she getting the hard time when it is the CF son who should be in the firing line? He's just in the market for a free meal.

We confirmed yesterday that we are doing to mums house for Christmas dinner. I'll be giving my brother half the cost of the beef and bringing fizz. We can discuss these things and work it all out who pays/does what, because we are adults and don't take offence at the slightest thing.

hellsbellsmelons · 26/11/2018 08:22

We all chip in.
I'm bringing cheese, biscuits, pickles, pickled onions, celery, grapes and also a tonne of wine and fizz and pink gin and tonic!
If my DSis would rather have the cash though, I happily hand it over.

zingally · 26/11/2018 08:29

Honestly, it wouldn't occur to me to actively charge people... But I'm all for asking people to bring elements!