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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

531 replies

Staceyjas · 24/11/2018 15:31

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks Thanks

OP posts:
anniehm · 25/11/2018 20:22

Ps I spent around £500 on Christmas Eve- 28th last year

Candlemist · 25/11/2018 20:24

Surely if you don’t want to foot the bill then you just don’t offer to host?

Lots of pps are saying this, but if you're the only one of the family who can accommodate all the people, you're sort of gently encouraged, persuaded to host. If you don't host then the family doesn't get together at xmas.

If all the family contribute financially then the person who hosts every year doesn't have to fork out for food for 16 people (in my case)
for at least 2 days. It generally comes in at around £500 including wine etc. I actually 'can't' afford that at Christmas but if I refuse to host on those grounds then we all spend xmas in our own homes without extended family. And nobody wants that.
Having said that, everybody slips me some cash over the weekend and I've never had to ask so it's no problem at all.

Loonoon · 25/11/2018 20:25

We host every year because we have the biggest table and the biggest kitchen (and I’m the only one that can cook!). I wouldn’t dream of charging partly because we can afford to do it and also because, despite all the work and hassle, I love that people’s happy memories of Christmas are located in our house. That being said my SIL always brings the cake and some sweets/wine etc.

I don’t know how the PP does it for £70 all in though. We host 12-14 people every year and two medium size turkey crowns alone is about £65. Add to that veg, puddings, cream, nibbles, wine, champagne, soft drinks, cider for the younger adults etc etc and my Christmas big shop is easily £150 if not more. Luckily we have a family agreement not to buy presents (apart from my mum and MIL) so we can afford to splash out on dinner.

jocktamsonsbairn · 25/11/2018 20:27

We're visiting family this year and my parents and I are sending the host a £50 Asda voucher each to cover for the extras. She had to be persuaded to accept them.

greeneyedlulu · 25/11/2018 20:35

No way in a million years would I do such a thing! If I ask people to my house for dinner, then I provide everything food and drink!
In my opinion, it's rude to ask people round and ask them to provide! Granted I would never turn to someone's empty handed, I always take a few bottles and flowers for the hostess but maybe I'm exceptionally old fashioned!

Maelstrop · 25/11/2018 20:38

I might ask people to bring stuff but I wouldn't charge.

ittakes2 · 25/11/2018 20:40

£17 for a Christmas lunch seems a bargain to me. 'charging' for Christmas lunch may be unusual...but him not spending time with his family because of £17 sounds crazier.

busyhonestchildcarer · 25/11/2018 20:43

I think it depends on who it is.my sister charges our parents but my sister is fairly well off and I personally wouldnt.Think its mean but each situation is different.bribg componants is a better option

GrumpyMummy123 · 25/11/2018 20:43

It's completely unreasonable to expect the host to do all the prep, cooking, washing up and foot a massive food bill at Christmas. Of course it's OK to ask financial contribution. Surely no one would offer to host if they had to pay for everyone else's Christmas?!

My family we are happy to share the costs. My DH family instead ask people to bring something - like the cheese, wine, puddings etc

The if you invite, you pay, idea is just impractical in big families when don't have the money to pay for everything. The only way can afford to all get together is to all contribute.

BarbarianMum · 25/11/2018 20:44

green have you no imagination at all and did you read any of the thread? Several people have given reasons why you rather limited viewpoint might not suit all family set ups.

EvaHarknessRose · 25/11/2018 20:51

We are fairly well off but we struggle to find the money.

Dmil and dm and her husband all regularly come for christmas day. They do offer to bring something - both on low incomes so I just ask for a few bits each. Dsis sometimes come and although on a low income will always bring generous amount of rum or something, always appreciated.
Then dbro and dsil and dc often come and stay for a couple of days from boxing day - so either need to provide 2/3 evening meals and lunches plus breakfast for 8, actually 10 because dm and husband come again, or stretch to meals out or takeaways (subbing dm again).
Then we go and stay with ddad and his wife, and now they are getting older we often offer to cook a main meal there, plus take them out (so another six person meal to cater and another to pay for). And all that after the expense of christmas presents!

greeneyedlulu · 25/11/2018 21:10

Barbarian... It's not what I would so just because my view point is different to yours, doesn't mean it's limited, its just different.
I personally save a tenner a week for Xmas throughout the year to spread the cost of it so is that limited or sensible and possibly why I do not charge my family to feed them.

JimCricket · 25/11/2018 21:15

I see the Daily Fail has picked this up 😣

PumpkinKitty82 · 25/11/2018 21:17

We rotate our Christmas Day so 1 year we do it , then my bil and then my sil so we all share the cost that way ..
And the stealth boasting “ we have the biggest house “ and “you can’t possibly have as many guests as us “ oh fuck off, Bet they love your self righteous every Christmas ...

Birrdy · 25/11/2018 21:41

I am on the fence with this as I don't like CF guests who don't contribute, but personally think it's disgraceful to charge per head- also why £17? That's such a specific amount.

Obviously polite guests should contribute generously as everyone knows Christmas is very expensive but I don't think asking for cash is OK. Instead guests should offer and hosts should ask for specific wines/ champagne, a cheeseboard big enough for everyone, a good quality Christmas pudding with white sauce etc.

Gwenhwyfar · 25/11/2018 21:46

"People who see it as charging family are horrified, people who see it as sharing costs don't see the issue."

If it was sharing the cost, you wouldn't get the bill upfront, would you? It'd be worked out from the receipts afterwards.

Caprisunorange · 25/11/2018 21:49

I think that’s a bit unfair. If you need to share costs presumably paying the cash upfront could be a problem too

lazymare · 25/11/2018 21:57

If it was sharing the cost, you wouldn't get the bill upfront, would you? It'd be worked out from the receipts afterwards.

The mum in the OP is ordering from M&S. she will know exactly what it costs.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/11/2018 22:00

Daily Mirror also picked this up.

frufru27 · 25/11/2018 22:16

Hire a local student,what decade are you living in 😂

SamanthaH92 · 25/11/2018 22:18

defiently would not ask for money. I would maybe say bring your own drinks if they are wanting a certain drink but thats it. If she has offered you can't then ask for money towards it. Its her choice to get stuff ready prepared

SarfE4sticated · 25/11/2018 22:25

I am just posting quickly, not had a chance to to read whole thread,but I quite like her style. She is going to spend a small fortune on M&S food so wants to split the food bill. I wouldn't mind actually, especially as it's such an arseache hosting, cooking, washing up etc.
I guess the thing for me would be - is she making a profit out of it? If so, then she is BU, but she's just splitting cost of food I wouldn't mind. I would rather it had been mooted though, something like "Does anyone else want to host Xmas this year? I'm getting a bit old for all of this cooking," .... no response "OK, I don't mind hosting, but can you share the cost of some pre-prepared food, so I don't have to spend a week stuffing olives".
We do that with my DH's family, share the cost of big items and each bring a dish.

petmad · 25/11/2018 22:28

nope i wouldnt charge my family just bring a bottle or a puding

Flowersandbirds · 25/11/2018 22:39

I think the financial stress of Xmas for many should be appreciated. Add up presents, cards, food etc and it’s a massive amount over a usual household budget. Perhaps she wants to prioritise other things in her life? I don’t think she’d ask unless there was a reason and it’s perfectly fair to share the burden to my mind. This is why so many people get into debt - they are trapped by these expectations that they think others have. I’d appreciate her honesty and cough up. Much better than silent resentment.

CharlieandRabbit · 25/11/2018 22:44

£17 ph for a 3 course meal, nibbles and booze and probably more food later on? Bargain.