Would you charge family for Xmas dinner?

[Staceyjas]

AIBU to think you should ask family to pay for their Xmas lunch?
My partner has just told me
Me that his mother who he's having Christmas lunch with said she wants £17 per head from him!I'm going to my family's for lunch so invited him also but he has had it there all his life with his grandparents and siblings too. she said she doesn't want to do It all from scratch and wants to Get it all pre done so it's more money, which I understand but he's gutted and feels like he wants to come to my family now. I can see it from both sides and it's hard work and can be expensive but not like she is financially destitute.

this has never happened before and he has offered to bring the dessert etc but he said handing over cash just feels wrong. As he says it's about family not money but I wanted to see what other people's opinions are ? Or if you do this.
Thanks

Personally I can't see the big difference between contributing cash or food. Mind you we learnt the hard way when the dessert contributions were supermarket basics. 1 basic "strawberry" cheesecake (topping red slime) and 1 pack of basic profiteroles for 7 adults and 2 teenage boys. Have always been very specific since.

If you can't afford to host, don't host.

What if no-one in the family can afford to host? Does that mean you can never have a big family Christmas?

Personally if I couldn't afford to feed extra people I wouldn't invite them. In recent years it's just been the 2 of us but in the past I have catered for larger groups - some turned up with alcohol, foodie bits, sweet treats, nibbles etc, a few gave small gifts but no cash exchanging hands anywhere. I agree with those who have already posted that it depends upon how you view 'paying for' Xmas lunch - a fee to cover costs or a contribution towards the day.

I do find it a bit weird that not only does your partner's mum expect people to pay for their meal, but that she isn't even planning on cooking it - if the idea of Xmas is to gather family and friends to enjoy the company and home-cooked food, then why is she bothering at all. I wouldn't fancy paying for a meal that took a risk on an outside caterer/stranger to cook - I'd at least want to know who was cooking.

We have hosted Christmas for the past 13 years. I have never asked for a contribution from anyone.
My parents always leave money under their pillow when they are leaving our house though.
Last year our main Aldi shopping came to £300! That was for Christmas - covering 5 people (4 adults, 1 pre-teen) for about 3 days.
We also host inlaws for new year dinner, anywhere from 20 / 24 of them depending on who is around. They quite literally bring nothing. Not a single thing! I am always amazed at this. But they are quite a fractured family so we feel it is nice that we now have established this one good tradition of everyone spending the first day of the year together and we all look forward to it.
It can cost in the region if £200+ too
But I just couldn't bring myself to charge...

If I invite, I pay.

That said, Christmas is an extremely expensive time of year for everyone so I always gratefully except any offers of contribution. My mother always buys the beef, my sister lots of wine and cheese (in addition to offers of help) while my darling SIL contributes feck all which actually really pisses me off as she’s worth a fortune. To add insult to injury her Christmas presents are shite and extremely thoughtless.

Some people are just mean🙄

made the mistake with my in laws of saying just bring yourselves assuming they'd have the courtesy to bring chocolates/wine etc but they took me at my word and literally came empty handed angry

Well, you should have said what you would have appreciated being brought over then!

I like how my family does this. We all have Christmas in our own homes with our own children / partners and then we all get together on 27th / 28th for a family bash.
If anyone is single then they have their pick of any of our Christmas dinners to attend on 25th.
We organise dishes for us all to bring to the gathering so the host doesn’t bear a massive cost. We have a cracking afternoon / evening . I can’t imagine having Christmas dinner anywhere but home and I can’t imagine Christmas without a big family bash to end it in style.

Shudder at the though of finding myself the recipient of multiple cheese boards and puddings!

(would really people just brought themselves!)

I think asking people to bring a dish/alcohol is fair enough but requesting money as if you’re a restaurant is ridiculous. If you can’t afford to host, don’t offer.

I think sharing the cost is absolutely fine - whether its by taking turns in hosting, bringing contributions (proper contributions, not just a shitty bottle of wine to cover a family of 6) or cash.

What is really tacky is shipping up every Xmas, sitting on your arse and expecting your mum to feed you.

Gosh I think that's really awkward. I would be very uncomfortable about asking people to pay to eat at my home. I understand if they're really hard up but as others have said, it might have been nicer if she'd asked everyone to chip in a dish if she's really stretched for cash. There is something that goes against the idea of hospitality if you charge people to eat at your home. I mean you can't invite people to dinner and then ask them to pay their way. It's just awkward and a bit odd and not hospitable. I hope you resolve it. Perhaps it's time for other family members to offer to host...?

What if no-one in the family can afford to host? Does that mean you can never have a big family Christmas?

That possibility just doesn't occur to some people. And then they manage to miss all the posts making the point you just have. Honestly, every time this comes up it's the same. Poor people aren't allowed to have a big family get together.

I wouldn’t charge but I also don’t turn down contributions either. As 4 out of the 6 people we cater for are me, my DH and the DCs it would be really rude to charge.

Share costs. It’s perfectly fair in my opinion.

In this instance it seems mean and unwelcoming. There are only 4 adults and a tot - you don’t even need a turkey, a chicken or turkey crown would be plenty and not so expensive. OPs Bf has offered to bring some of the food, if his sibling brought something that would be half the dinner sorted. In the case of a big gathering I think contributing food better than asking for money as that shares the work as well, but plenty of discussion about who is bringing what do you don’t end up with one person spending £80 on a huge rare breed free range turkey and an entire day roasting it to perfection while someone else throws in a multipack of cheap crisps!

When I wasn’t working Xmas day (which was rare) I would go to either my sisters or my mums for the day and give £20 towards food and drinks, this year is my first year doing Xmas dinner myself with my little boy and have invited my mum. I haven’t asked her to contribute but she’s said she will buy the turkey and we’ll write a list for everything else and share the cost between us both.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for help with the cost, if it wasn’t Xmas and they were going out somewhere for a family meal would he pay his share then or expect it brought for him?

I remember years ago buying and cooking a New Years dinner for extended family. All of my wealthy siblings were staying in hotels nearby and as I was a cash strapped student, I kipped on my brother’s living room floor as I couldn’t afford a hotel room. Mum was staying in his spare bedroom. I only offered to cook because my brother was less than useless in the kitchen and DMum had been ill so I wanted to ensure she wasn’t put upon. My mum was horrified when we got together a few weeks later to discover that none of the wealthy siblings had offered any cash towards the costs. (All earning min 50k a year)
Sadly she died a few months later but I know she appreciated my efforts as she actually wrote a lovely letter thanking me which I’ve still got 20 years later.

This has been picked up by the mirror op

She shouldn’t have to ask.

Baby, wow, lucky OP 🤦🏽‍♀️

Personally I would not charge , however some guests do take the p###. Sometimes and my free bed and breakfast facilities may be closing when we retire . I thought bk people should offer to contribute without. Being asked . Christmas is getting very expensive .

It's not unreasonable to share the cost as long as it was made clear at the point of invite - in fact I suggested it today as a better option to the random contributions they bring (we don't need 3 whole Stiltons, they never coordinate). We personally settled on mum making homemade mince pies (I won't bother so a big plus) plus paying for the turkey, bacon and sausages (£50), my brother is sending ahead a case of wine.